Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Sept 19

This week, we considered when or whether it is acceptable for someone in a committed relationship to seek spanking elsewhere. Here are your thoughts.

Anon #1: If there is ever a time to describe the state of a relationship as "It's complicated," it's when one member of a committed relationship has exhausted all efforts to fulfill his or her need for whatever it is he or she craves and is not getting.

For me, the answer is whatever THEY decide. In other words, going off the ranch unannounced would simply be the first stage of the unraveling of many relationships. There are too many variables and permutations to establish a universal set of rules.

The multitude of sources for potential secret play partners makes the idea of "guiltless" recreational encounters all the more tempting. Ostensibly safe and reliable connectivity is no longer limited to the personal ads in the print version of Shadow Lane's "Scene One." But the complications aren't just with one's spouse or boy/girlfriend. There's a world of relationship grief to be experienced once a secret "play" relationship becomes an emotional entanglement.

Yes, it's monumentally frustrating to finally learn that your chosen one is ultimately not going to be, to quote columnist Dan Savage, "GGG", or "good, giving and game." And a natural, though short-sighted next step would seem to be retaliatory, in the direction of developing covert play partner pins all over the map.

I don't have any easy solutions. I have quasi-worked all this out for myself personally over a period of many years. My longtime marital relationship remains intact and loving. I have no pins on the map nor do I have any smoldering emotional entanglements out there. I do know that saying you didn't have conventional sex with your play partner doesn't negate the betrayal effected by sneaking around, regardless whether you think "spanking is sex and sex is spanking."

However, if partners to this "spankless" relationship can define a mutually satisfactory agreement, including but not limited to utilizing professionals, THEN they can see how it plays out from there.

Melanie: Personally, I will never look elsewhere. I reserve that level of intimacy for my man. I am committed to him alone, and I will not emotionally play with fire.

However, I can see how less monogamous people in our situation would go hunting. My fiance and I live on opposite ends of the country, so we only get to see each other twice a year. By the time we get married, we will have been doing that for nearly five years. If I were not so monogamous, I can see how not having my man around would be just cause to find someone else to meet that need. As it is, I simply practice a lot of patience.

Older Alpha: As a Dominant Husband, I would answer that under NO circumstances is it acceptable. Only I can physically discipline my submissive wife. Nor can I correct another man's (nor do I want to!).

My wife enjoys vigorous erotic spankings. I don't, but because they're important to her, I accommodate her. I let her know that she must tell me exactly what she needs in that regard. Then I spank away!

If my wife went elsewhere for that, it would be cheating, even if it didn't lead to sexual intercourse. Because it is erotic, arousing, her proper spanking place is with ME and nobody else. We have a monogamous marriage.

Hermione: If one partner in a relationship is uninterested in spanking and the other one craves it, it might seem like just cause for the spanko to look elsewhere. However, other things have to be taken into consideration. For example, if spanking is considered a sexual act, looking elsewhere may be seen as a betrayal rather than harmless fun. The relative importance of spanking in that person's life, weighed along with everything else, is also a consideration. A lot depends upon how accepting the non spanking partner is. Does that partner agree wholeheartedly, grudgingly, or not at all with the decision to seek spanking outside the relationship. Does that partner even know, or is it a secret?

For me personally, I would consider it akin to sexual infidelity, because sex and spanking are two sides of the same coin for us.

Six of the Best: If all parties agree, then it is permissible. Some husbands or wives might enjoy seeing their partners spanked by someone else. Such is the case with wife swapping.

S.N.M.: It is aceeptable when and if the other partner is okay with it.

Curtis: When my ex-wife and I were courting, we played spanking games, I thought for fun and arousal. After those two years, we lived together and played spanking games. And for two years after we were married, we played spanking games. Then she announced she didn't like it. I wasn't going to force it on her. We had a child on the way and I had an essentially sexless marriage for about 15 years while we did a good job raising our son. But at some point, I decided I wasn't going to be sexless for the rest of my life. So I started looking, found an ad and ended up with a torrid four-year spanking/sexual relationship which, along with two years of psychotherapy, ended our marriage (three days before our 25th anniversary).

My ex-wife was a deeply controlling person without emotional empathy, so there was no way to even broach the idea of going outside with her blessing. When I broke out, our son was in the last year of high school and was about to go to college. From my hindsight perspective, the only real regrets I have are that I stayed committed as long as I did without any sexual gratification and that the way I split inflicted hurt which was unavoidable collateral damage, but hurtful nevertheless (I did try to be discreet and was involved for two and a half of those years unbeknownst to my ex-wife). While I deeply believe in commitment, it needs to be accompanied by sexual and emotional compatibility.

TRH: Curtis makes a good point. In a *healthy* committed relationship, it is acceptable when all parties agree to it. That wouldn't work in my house, but relationships are hardly “one size fits all.” :)

Anon #2: It is completely acceptable only when it is done with informed consent from all parties involved. Whether it's sexual or not, sneaking is a type of infidelity. And infidelity has consequences.

My answers above are based on spanking as sexual foreplay, something done simply for my pleasure, enacted on my bottom, to warm me up for sex (I would have no problem returning the favor, should my partner request it).

Someone who cherishes you should be able to make at least that much effort. If they can't, do you really want to be in that relationship? If the answer to that question is yes, then just be aware that infidelity is likely to cost you the relationship itself.

On the other hand, asking someone who isn't into it for a 24/7 DD relationship is something else entirely. I see that as something more involved than a bedroom game.

I cherish my partner, so I would be willing to try. Of course, with some organizational skills, I suppose I could get my sub to police themselves, so to speak, so I wouldn't have to spend hours every day meting out corrections. Still, if my mate asked me for something far outside my personality, I might be able to deliver for a little while, but I don't think I could do so for the long term. I'd either have to outsource the DD thing, or quit the relationship.

However, if I caught my partner sneaking without discussing it with me, our relationship would be over. Period.

Ronnie: I'd say it's fine in circumstances where there is approval from both parties. If they take their committed relationship seriously, that would surely be the right answer.

Anon #3: A committed relationship means not only "thou shalt not," but also "thou shalt", as in thou shalt try to bring both of you joy. Why wouldn't I want to fulfill the fantasies of the one I love? We are called to joy in our relationships. It takes real grown-ups, but I'd say if all agree in real self-honesty, and with each other, then it's okay. If you're hurting or struggling with no resolution or real communication long term, then you're with the wrong person for you.

Our Bottoms Burn: Let's say it's mutually agreeable. Let's stipulate jealousy is not an issue. We still don't think it can work. If you are getting what you really want outside of the original relationship, why continue with the original?

A-Non: Here's a related scenario. An otherwise happily-married man meets a woman in order for her to spank him. There is no sex at all. He says men have also offered to to spank him, also with no sex. He wonders whether that's OK. He worries that if it is a sexual thing, then he's crossed a big line. What do you think about that?

Answering just for me, whether sexual or not, going to someone for a spanking is not like trying a new hair stylist. I think the spouse has to be aware and preferably involved.

Prefectdt: I think S.N.M. came up with a most apt answer. Spanking can be either sexual and relationship-related or not.

Decide where you are, decide what is most appropriate for all parties concerned and make your own decisions about this issue. This is not a situation where hard and fast rules apply. There are a lot of gray areas.

Bonnie: Spanking was, is, and always will be sexual for Randy and me. We are committed to monogamy. For one of us to engage in spanking without the other would be a profound betrayal.

I recognize that others view this favorite pastime of ours in very different ways, and I completely respect that. We each have to be true to ourselves.

Thanks, everyone, for sharing your opinions and observations. I hope you'll join us again next weekend.