Friday, January 02, 2009

Bonnie's Mailbag - Part Two

Believe it or not, there's still more after this!

Question: As you can see from my attached picture I’m a rather bad boy, but a bad English boy who would dearly love to enter into a loving and obedient relationship with a passionate and tolerant American woman. Can you suggest a route, perhaps through an appropriate website, where I might meet such a Goddess. I’m not looking for a dominatrix, but for a good woman who would enjoy having a silky boy in her bed, and as her obedient lover. I’m a youthful 60 year old so I guess a lady in her 50s would share lots of interests. I hope you won’t mind me asking but you do seem very wise and kind.

Response: I think the best approach for addressing your need might be a discrete personal advertisement. I have friends who have had good success with Craig's List, but I don't know if that's available for your area. You might also try alternative newspapers, local kink-oriented groups, or the Fetlife web site. You could even start a spanking-oriented blog.

I suspect the friend you seek is out there. It's just a matter of finding her.

Comment: I wish my wife enjoyed being spanked.

Response: That was the entire e-mail message. If spanking is not a common interest, I suggest strengthening the bond between you by focusing on activities and values you share.

Question: I'm male and I long to be regularly spanked by my wife for foreplay, behavioral and mental 'correction'. I'm generally the one that's in control in the relationship, unless she's pissed about something. Some might say I'm a control freak. I sometimes feel stressed, trying take care of so many things in our lives and help her feel loved and supported. I have my suspicion that a spot of discipline in the form of spanking would be a huge relief.

We discussed spanking a bit and tried a couple times, but I can't help feeling a fool, lying there. I can't surrender. I wish I could let go, and allow myself to feel controlled and 'corrected', but I can't seem to do it.

I don't understand how women are able to surrender and willingly lie there while they are punished. Somehow I imagine that if I were held down in some way then it might work but that's a lot to ask of her, impractical and I suspect won’t solve it.

So my question is this, do women ever find it difficult to surrender? Do they need to feel forced and overwhelmed? How do they deal with it?

Response: What I believe I hear you say is that you crave the physical sensation of a spanking and think that the stress relief would be beneficial. However, you have no desire to play a submissive role.

There really isn't a conflict. While many people who enjoy being spanked are also submissive, these two attributes don't necessarily run in parallel.

From this perspective, I think the answer to your question is that you don't have to surrender, particularly if that aspect doesn't do anything for you. You can focus instead on the spanking itself. If light bondage is something you would consider, that would be a simple (and probably more effective) alternative to asking your wife to hold you down.

The reason some women (and some men too) are able to surrender is because, at some level, they desire to do so. Fantasies aside, as thinking adults, we're simply not going to agree to accept pointless suffering for its own sake.

Question: Currently I'm in a relationship with a girl that I love very much, we agree on a lot of things with barley any difference. One of the main things that we're different on is that I'm sadistic, meaning I get pleasure from causing pain, but shes not masochistic. I've told her that I'm a sadist and I have spanked her a few times, not really that hard since she doesn't like it. But at the level I'm not really in joying it at all. It's sometimes a difficult thing to talk with her about because she had a rough childhood and , again, really doesn't like being in pain so some times when I do it harder I feel rather guilty.

Response: You have a difficult choice before you. From your description, it seems unlikely that your friend is ever going to share your interest. For the long term, you will probably have to decide whether you prefer this relationship or your kink.

I know several people who entered vanilla marriages with the intention of abandoning their kink forever. In most cases, it hasn't worked out very well. The desires may be suppressed, but they typically don't disappear entirely.

I suggest that you might want to consult with a kink-aware therapist. They might be able to provide some insights about how best to progress from here.

Comment: I just came across your blogs. You are truly delightful. Thank you for everything you provide!

Response: I’m pleased to hear you enjoy this blog. You’re very welcome.

Question: Is Cassie all right? I went a few days ago. She talked about slowing down. Then, when I went the other day, she's gone private.

Response: Cassie didn’t share her plans with me and I don’t know of anyone who has talked with her. However, MBS still gets occasional hits from her blog, so there must be someone in there.

Question: One of my very favorite bloggers has now made her page "invite only." What is a loyal lurker to do when such things happen without warning...? I realize that it's every person's privilege to do whatever they wish regarding access to their blog, and I don't blame anyone a bit for wanting to make such a deep-seated subject (sorry, bad pun) more private. I don't actually even know "blog etiquette" so to speak so I really don't know what, if anything, I might be able to do, or if I will just have to bid a fond and sad farewell.

Response: Taking a blog private after it was previously public seems to happen for one of two reasons. Sometimes bloggers find that their words are not quite as anonymous as they thought. Having one's spanking blog discovered by a friend, co-worker, or family member has to be devastating. This is why I purposely omit lots of interesting details that would otherwise adorn my writing. At that point, a blogger has to resort to damage control and going private is the easiest and fastest fix.

The other reason why a blog might go private is as an alternative to deletion. If a blogger decides that they are done with blogging, but *might* possibly want to return to it someday, this approach can provide that option. It's like putting one's blog in mothballs.

As you say, bloggers have the right to do as they please with their blogs. That freedom and degree of control is part of the attraction of blogging as a medium. You won't hear me judge another blogger's decision to blog or not blog because I know my day will come eventually.

Comment: I can not tell you the great joy I felt when I found your site as well as a few others. What a great feeling it was to realize that I am not warped or weird.

Response: You're not strange, weird, or even especially unusual in your interest in spanking. There are lots of us.

I'm glad my blog is helpful for you. One of my goals for MBS is to educate and encourage readers. Done correctly, consensual adult spanking is safe and enjoyable.

Question: do you have a sight that i can see you getting a spanking? just curious thanjs

Response: No, I don't. Were I twenty-something and built like a (spanking) model, I probably would. But that ship has sailed.

That's enough for this time. There's more mapcap mailbag meanderings yet to come.


Rainer said...


I like your blog

greetings from germany


Paul said...

Bonnie, an excellent mailbag.
Your answers are wise and compassionate.
No wonder your readers are so loyal.
Thank you.
Warm hugs,

Tiggs said...

A plethora of interesting questions, with just as many unique and resourceful answers!

Thanks so much for sharing so much with so many for so long!!!!


Daisychain said...

Hi, Bonnie,
For the readers who asked about Cassie, yes, she has given up blogging at least for the time being; but she didn't want to lose her material, so went private by making it "invite only". Maybe one day she will be back; I certainly hope so, I really miss her, but for now she is really too busy, she said.
Hugs, xxx

Hermione said...


Not only have you given insightful answers to your correspondents, but you have also helped countless other readers who probably had the same questions but didn't have the courage to ask.

Well done, my friend. Keep up the great work!


Bonnie said...

Rainer - Hi, and welcome!

Paul - Thank YOU for your continuing support.

Tiggs - It has been a long time, hasn't it? :)

Daisy - Ah, thank you for the update!

Hermione - Thank you. That's one important reason why I post the mailbag. That, and it's fun!

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