Sunday, July 27, 2008

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for July 27

Thanks to everyone who added their wisdom and experience to our discussion today. The question dealt with the best time to raise the subject of spanking in a new dating relationship.

Thomas: I have never actually been on a vanilla date, so I have no real idea on how I'd approach the subject. Truthfully, ever since I found the spanking scene, I've exclusively sought out spanking partners. Before that happened five years ago, I never dated, or had any real relationship. The only contact of a sexual nature that I had was with strippers and other ladies of the night.

Natty: I'm like you, Thomas. I never really dated outside of the spanking community and can't imagine I would, knowing what I know about myself now.

Lucy: This is a topic that I will have to deal with sooner or later. Although I live near a big city, I'm not "out" enough to venture into a bar or play party that caters to those in the scene. Even if I somehow had the guts, I'm just not sure I'd be comfortable already knowing such an intimate secret about someone before the first date. With Jekyll, I brought up the subject several times in subtle ways (Did you see that guy slap his girlfriend's butt in the hall during lunch? etc.). I finally asked him to spank me about five months into our relationship and it worked out fine. I guess I just got lucky the first time. I imagine that I'll go on vanilla dates and just try to get a sense of the guy's position on kink as an intellectual issue first. Spanking is a topic that pops up in current events, movies, TV, etc. I would never tell him I'm into spanking on the first date. It's an issue that I plan to tiptoe around until I know whether or not to pursue it.

Having said that, I can't see dating guy who is totally vanilla. Who knows? I may get fed up with trying to find a kinky guy in a vanilla world and show up at "kinky singles night."

Curtis: Like many, both because spanking is at the core of my sexuality and because I had a long marriage to a person who engaged in spanking during courtship and became vanilla after marriage and child, I know I would never again have any LTR with a non-spanko. But I also know that you can be straight with a person you're dating who hasn't tried spanking. I have brought up the subject directly with at least a couple of dates. I told them that I had this fetish, but if their bottom was an erogenous zone, they likely could find pleasure in it also. I have an SO now, but put forward the right way, it didn't turn anyone off. On a few occasions, it led to converts and a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. Maybe some would be horrified, but it hasn't worked out that way for me when I told them I was into arousing rather than hurting.

Prefectdt: I would no longer consider dating a vanilla. In the past, I waited until several weeks after getting to know a woman and never once managed to get one vanilla to take my interest seriously. So, from now on (well quite some time ago on), the answer to this brunch question is "Never."

This Girl: It has been a long time since I have been with anyone “vanilla.” I met my last two partners online and knew that they were into this. Our relationships developed slowly. Before them, my ex was vanilla. We were together over a year before I tried to introduce it and he was mortified. Maybe it was the way I went about it (which wasn't subtle), but then I think that it just wasn't him. After all, it’s not everyone. So, from that I decided I wanted to find someone who I knew would want what I did. It’s not always easy trying to find a partner in kink, especially given so many wanabees and fuckwits out there. But it’s better than being with someone who is alarmed by you! LOL

Elle: It really depends on the situation. However, I find that I am drawn to dominant men naturally. I've dated a string of men who turned out to be as kinky as me (or in some cases, kinkier). Really, body language during sex and lots of communication should give you a good idea of whether or not this man is interested in spanking you. Then you can tell him as soon as you feel comfortable enough together. There's no time limit, but I wouldn't personally want to be in a relationship with someone if I didn't feel that comfortable with them.

Paul: If I remember correctly, Mel was doing a little bratting a month or so into our dating. I turned to her and said, "I spank naughty girls.” She replied, "I should hope so." We never really looked back.

She only got spanked over cloths until we married.

How is your freaking earlobe, Bonnie? Chuckles!

It’s nice and toasty, thank you (and not because someone is talking about me).

Hermione: As the article said, there would have to be some chemistry between the two of you before the subject of spanking, or any other type of intimacy, needs to come up. If the date is someone you know reasonably well and the relationship is progressing to the next level, then it would be wise to reveal your preference before things go too far. Hopefully some opportunity would present itself for you to bring up your interest in the subject – a cartoon, a scene in a movie, an article in the paper – so that you can judge the other person's reaction.

There is always the danger that the other person, if uninterested or turned off by your admission, might betray your trust and expose your secret to others. So you would need to have a certain level of trust established, yet not be so deeply involved that you couldn't back away from the relationship if spanking just isn't going to happen.

Add to all of this the difficulty that many of us have in talking about spanking. All I can say is, I'm glad I don't actually have to deal with a situation like this.

Radagast: I've made disastrous comments on first dates including mentioning my kink. I've gotten reactions from an uncomfortable "Uh... OK" to the dubious pleasure of having someone laugh in my face and then mock me.

I'd say that unless you're not having a vanilla date (when it's probably expected that you'll get around to talking about spanking), it's probably best to not blurt that out between the appetizer and main course.

Mat: Wow, the timing for this topic applies to me right now. My wife (vanilla) passed away just two months ago. We were together for 27 years and two wonderful kids.

I was a spanko when we were dating and she knew of my spanking desires. In the early stages of our marriage, she reluctantly and I might add half-heartedly obliged my wishes by giving me a light hand spanking as a prelude to sex. As soon as my bottom started getting a little bit of redness, she would stop for fear of actually hurting me. Needless to say, I needed much more to satisfy my spanko appetite. After a couple of years, the spanking stopped completely and our sex life suffered drastically. My wife finally admitted to me after we were married that she had suffered abusive beatings as a child and the spanking thing brought back too many bad memories.

Well, that was 27 years ago and pre-internet. At the time, I actually believed that I was one of the only people on earth that was goofy enough to want a spanking. I never believed there were countless others that were suffering the same fate as mine. I would actually feel guilty and somewhat ashamed of myself when asking my wife to spank me.

Getting back to the discussion at hand, when I do start looking for a new partner, I will most definitely choose from a source that I know is spanking friendly.

Tina: I had many vanilla partners and never managed to tell them about my strong spanking (or actually BDSM) desires. I sometimes tried, reluctantly and very carefully, but I never got any positive reaction. Some were shocked and some kind of outed themselves as rather having their own submissive or masochist feelings (I take that for more than a coincidence). So, I had no success at all. Finally, I started using the internet, and everything became very easy.

Papa Woodie: The process of dating is a gradual discovery of another person – one who is, perhaps unknowingly, under constant evaluation and consideration. Theoretically, you are seeking a long term partner, and the dating activities (among other things) are a practical means of growth and self-improvement, of selection and elimination.

Could you live with a carnivore, a vegan, or a raw food only diet? A Democrat? A shop-a-holic or a work-a-holic or an alcoholic? Are they into movies, reading, extreme sports (like sky-diving or bungee jumping), antiques or anything else you might happily share? Slob or neat-nik? Romantic or pragmatic? Is the kissing wonderful or sloppy or is it overlooked? Kids? Career ambitions? Life goals? What's the dynamic of their family?

The list of desirable qualities goes on and on. In the process shouldn't you 'discover' their perspectives on spanking? Do they exhibit any tendencies or interests in this area?

So, to address when would you recommend telling a potential partner about one's spanking interest, I would advise that there is no prescribed time or moment or sequence. Acknowledge to yourself that it needs to be addressed for your own happiness and satisfaction. And keep your eyes open for every opportunity to reveal a little more of yourself and learn more about your date. Eventually, you should absorb sufficient awareness of their personality to know whether this is a potentially successful long-term relationship, and whether the future includes all the spanking you could ever hope for.

As to how would you raise the issue, like other matters of particular concern, it seems that a teasing comment or a veiled probing question are the best approaches to such intricate and delicate points of our nature. A joke, a discussion of a book, news article, blog post, or a movie (Secretary, perhaps), a flirtatious series of seemingly off-handed yet suggestive comments would instantly reveal our 'secret' natures with other self-confessed spankos. And they are innocuous tools we can apply to learn about another person without being overly blunt or intrusive. We can remain protected and we draw ever closer to the heart of the topic, to the point whereby an open on-going dialog can ensue.

Like all of us, I see a great many qualities in others throughout each day that I would find personally undesirable in an intimate partner. I wouldn't want to waste any more of my life pursuing happiness with the wrong person, hoping for contentment and ending up with misery. A desire for or at least an open interest in DD, Ds, or spanking for fun and adventure is most definitely on my list.

In the immortal words of Popeye the Sailor Man, “I yam who I yam!

Anon #1: I wouldn't tell someone until I decided I wanted a relationship with him. After all, if he is a total bore on the first date, there won't be a second one.

Once the interest is there, I think it's better to let that person know upfront. Because if it is a total turn off for them, it's better to find out now. Don't waste your time on someone who is not going to make you happy.

Fanny: Forget the spanking and the date. Just send the recipe for your delicious pastry!

On a less serious note, I tried telling someone once when we woke up that I'd had a dream about getting spanked the night before. He said, "You mean like this?" and proceeded to give me a little soft love pat on the bum. That was NOT what I meant at all. I never approached anyone with that again until I met a man online and said I was a spanko right up front. He said it was fine, and we've been together now for 3 1/2 years! The spanking just gets better and we dream up new scenes to play. We are into DD and that satisfies us both. I spent too many years in two marriages that were totally vanilla and many relationships where I would have never dreamed of bringing it up. So I guess "patience" became a virtue for me, but it was pure hell. I'm a happy girl now, and my bum is very, very happy!

Mija: Like so many others have said, were I to be dating again, I can't imagine bothering to date vanilla. Sure, it can just happen and work out (my parents are an example of that), but I don't think I'd want to go that route.

What I'd do is post a personal somewhere like Shadow Lane (party soon – Vegas baby!) and then search and hope I'd find the right someone. But this is the most important element of my sexuality. For me, it's not just a little kink.

I did listen to a great comment by Dan Savage once who said one should reveal an interest in BDSM as though pointing out a really great sexual asset (as I recall he compared it to telling someone you like giving head) about one's self, not whisper it shamefully like it's a sexually transmitted disease. He suggested something along the lines of "Guess what else about me? I'm really into being spanked if the chemistry is right."

I thought he made a good point.

Anon #2: In my experience, as soon as the two of you are in bed and at least mostly naked, you should let him or her know. If spankings are part of what you like about sex, then you should let your partner know as soon as things get sexual. Honestly, if you know enough about someone to share their bed, you should be comfortable hearing about their kinks. Not to mention, the bed is where this subject is most relevant.

In short, tell your new partner about your interest during your first sexual session. This approach has never gone wrong for me.

I appreciate everyone who took time to share their views. I hope you'll stop by for brunch again next week.


Anonymous said...

Great brunch, once again, Bonnie. Loved the content, as usual.

Anonymous said...

In direct response to Papa Woodie's
comment: one's predilections are
so subjective!! He asked,"Would you
date someone into skydiving or bungee jumping?"

I've done a couple of tandem skydives and I loved it; it's
always fascinated me. But Bungee
jumping has zero appeal. Wouldn't do it, it scares me.

He also mentioned food quirks. I'm
99% vegetarian with occasional
'vegan days.'
~ MissyH

Anonymous said...

There have been a couple times I had to address this with partners who didn't do it before (I don't like the label "vanilla"). When one of them did it, it turned into abuse. The other one couldn't be trusted to deliver. Later, he was arrested for abusing a little girl. I didn't have to say much to the man I later married. Turns out, he was into it and didn't tell me. He just did it. I was so relieved to have finally found someone like him. I won't go into detail about how the whole thing happened, but it was nothing short of incredible. Turned out, I didn't have to say a word. My reaction said everything he needed to know.

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