Our brunch question for this week was suggested by Sally. She asks about one of the classic spanking dilemmas.
If we enjoy spankings, how can they be effective as a punishment?
If you would like to join in our conversation, you can leave a comment, send me an e-mail, or post a message on your own blog. I look forward to reading your insightful thoughts.
18 comments :
Having my man mad at me or disappointed in me is enough to totally change the experience of a spanking.
Besides that it really hurts when they get mad...they don't warm up the skin....Ouchies!!!!
This is the perennial discussion we have over at the Punishment Book, and I think that for certain people, the answer is yes. But only for certain people.
It works for me because I really dislike actually being in trouble. I love to pretend to be naughty. I love getting spanked on my terms -- i.e. as play. Punishment spankings sorta take spanking out of the realm of fun and sully them by placing them within the context of genuine disappointment, frustration, and failure.
Some people are unable to take that seriously. My boyfriend cannot divorce being spanked from sexual pleasure and therefore it doesn't work as behavior modification for him. But for me, for the reasons listed above, it's extremely effective.
I hate to give what may be a cliched answer, but I think it's very psychological. 1) you've disappointed someone you love, 2) you know that this type of spanking won't just stop when you're turned on, but rather when you're VERY sore and VERY sorry!
Makes a huge difference to me!
Lele
Hmmm ... it sure wasn't any fun when my dad did it. It was an intrusion, but the violation was so unpleasant that I didn't want to get another spanking.
Now my boyfriend does it and it is a turn-on ... I want him to do it. Thanks Dad for making me a spanko ... this is not something I am proud of. I will make every effort to bring up my own children so that they don't crave spankings when they are older.
i agree with lele and rootsdown, in that when i have angled for a spanking by being "naughty" its fun to play that role...but when i have actually annoyed/angered him, it changes the whole experience...i know he is disappointed in me, and that upsets me so I dont feel sexy, but bad...till its over and I am forgiven...and soooooo sore..... but after making me wait a while to reflect, my ass gets nice attention, kisses and rubs and massages till ooooooooooooohhhhhhhh, yes....thats definitely more like it....
Fun spankings end up in the bedroom with sex.
Punishment spankings end up in the corner with a scolding.
But mostly it is a mental attitude.
My punishment is being denied a smarting bottom when I desperatley want it, and much later getting a spanking when I have gone off the boil. Susan.
Dear Bonnie,
in my life, playing and punishment are two very similar things. When we are doing punishments, which we occasionally do, they are not „real life“ punishments. For us, punishments are just another name for the game. A punishment game involves serious pain, but I still really like to do it. It just feels so good to have to say that I am sorry over and over again and to hear him telling me off. And to be able to just scream and shout and beg him to stop and forgive me, and to let all the tension go, and not to be under any pressure to stay calm or professionel, and to live - for short time - under the illusion not to have any responsibility. "Normal" spankings don´t quite do that for me.
By the way: Last week's Asking Bonnie was great!
Best wishes from Tina
The whole dynamic is different. During play, there is no scolding. It's lighthearted and makes me laugh. During punishment, the disappointment comes through loud and clear and the spanking feels so much different. It's a much more intense spanking that is intended to teach. At least in our house.
I think I'm in tune with most of the posts so far: The difference is one is playful and happy, while the other means I've done a bad job keeping my lover happy.
That, and she tends to pull out the least-fun toys...*shudder*
I ramble on in a little more detail back at the blog, but that's the gist!
Bonnie, the others have more or less covered the subject.
When Mel got her degrees and life became more serious, punishments became quite rare.
I hated giving them and of course Mel hated receiving them.
Mel would be really told off, this would often have her in tears before the spanking started.
Spankings always took place in the office and were hard, she always knew that I loved her, it was necessary for the lesson to sink in, so it was a while before aftercare. Mel would kneel at the side of my desk, it was so hard not to react to her woe-begotten face, so after an hour or so I'd take her upstairs and give her the care and love she always deserved.
The reconnecting was always great.
That's a very good question, and one that my husband has often asked. His reasoning is similar to Susan's comment. If I enjoy being spanked, then punishment is withholding a spanking. Being spanked as punishment would just encourage a repetition of the unwanted behavior in order get another spanking. That makes sense to me, and I would probably do just that. It would be like spanking on demand.
For my many crimes of commission and omission I get lectures. They create anxiety and fear, but don't do much to change my behaviour; I'm still far from perfect.
Hugs,
Hermione
For play it is with somebody else.
For punishment I self discipline (self spank)which I do not enjoy at all.
Prefectdt
For as much as we play and as much as I write about it, we would never use spanking as an actual punishment. We won't have rules; I don't get in actual trouble. We pretend I do, up and down the block, but this is where the spanking fetish get's confused with domestic discipline. I never have to fear being punished for something. It's all play, in the long run, even if it feels like it's punishment at the time. We might use a real life situation to play off of, but it's never a husband punishing a wife. It's taking life and making it work for our fetish.
There are a few Anonymous replies here, but there's one that refers to her father. I don't normally jump in with comments like this, and forgive me if I'm commenting out of turn, but anonynous, it might help to find someone to talk to, be it close friend or counselor. If anger with your father is getting confused with your romantic life and making you feel ashamed, this might not be what will make you happy in the long run. Or maybe it will, if you own it as something you enjoy and something that's a part of you, not something that someone inflicted upon you.
Best wishes to all,
Abby
This seems to be an ongoing question in every group I belong to and it sure is a legitimate one. It seems to be a contradiction but it really isn't.
I believe a great deal of it is mindset. I do not like punishment spankings and I absolutely love, adore, and crave other spankings. But there is a need in me for the serious ones too.
First of all whatever I have done has me disappointed in myself, feeling guilty and feeling miserable that I let others down as well. I always get lectured and that is a crucial piece to the puzzle. I often begin crying before anything has come near my bottom. Also, during this type of spanking I do not allow my mind to go off in other directions. Granted my body has its usual physical response to spanking but I don't even realize it at the time.
My attention is focused on the continuing scolding and questions throughout the spanking. Many times I cry throughout the spanking. But at the end I am able to release the guilt, apologize, thank the person who cared enough to give what was so needed.
I will also tell you they work for me. Since they became part of my life the number of times I need them has decreased dramatically.
Oh and the best part, instead I get all kinds of lovely Just Because and sensual spankings. Now those are a whole different story.
Hugs,
Purple Angel
Hmmmm interesting. In my relationship he views himself as a leader or a teacher, dominant over me. But as for actually punishing me...whenever he starts to, I enjoy it...and so does he! We end up just having "extra angry" sex as a result of whatever has annoyed him. That's just the way we are I guess.
~elle~
My answer is similar to Abby’s. Randy and I enjoy many types of spankings and we play fairly regularly. But genuine punishment is not part of our relationship. It’s simply not who we are.
We enjoy every spanking. Even if I am gritting my teeth, it’s not because I don’t like what’s happening. We consider spanking, like other forms of lovemaking, a celebration and a physical manifestation of the love between us. I crave spankings from Randy and he wants to spank me. It reaffirms our bond and clears the barriers that divide us.
Randy once said that punishing me with spanking would be about as effective as making me eat chocolate cake. I suppose indulging in either to excess could eventually become tiresome, but I’m not likely to lose my taste for either recreational spankings or chocolate cake anytime soon.
All the spankings I get are completely erotic. Although there are times I wonder things like "why I am putting myself through pain like this for fun", I enjoy it everytime. I'm not sure if the whole punishment thing would work for me, but it is something we agreed we would not try. Sometimes when Will is spanking me he will bring up something I did to some how deserve it, but this is all playful.
- Jeana
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