Introducing the Anti-Pervertables

I think most readers have heard of pervertables. These are common everyday objects that can be easily adapted for kinky purposes. Leather belts and wooden hairbrushes are two obvious examples. To the vanilla observer, they are utterly mundane and unremarkable. To a spanko, however, these are immediately recognizable as effective and useful implements.

Pervertables are great on vacation, especially if air travel is involved. I don’t know about you, but I cringe at the thought of those socially challenged government contractors running their rubber glove-covered fingers all over our naughty playthings. I harbor a secret fear that I will be someday be pulled from the line and forced to explain the purpose of a certain battery powered marital aid and demonstrate how it operates. Ack!

As I was standing in the shower this morning (a place of great inspiration), it occurred to me that if we can have pervertables, why not anti-pervertables? We can start with a spanking implement whose only purpose in the world is to redden the flesh of someone’s bottom. We can then transform it into an anti-pervertable by concocting a plausible cover story and an alternative usage. If we can explain its presence in plain language, we might not even have to conceal our toys. Let’s give this a try…

Implement	Cover Story
Paddle	It's for taking pizzas from the oven Transfers pottery to and from the kiln It's a fan for hot days I seem to have lost that little rubber ball Wait, I know, it's a cutting board The holes let the bread breathe
Cane	We're saving for a light sabre It's tough to start a fire without kindling Look, I'm Zorro! It's an antique ramrod I'm practicing to be a majorette Look what blew down during the storm
Strap	Watch me zap that fly! It's a rare colonial-era bungee It was my weird grandfather's money belt Like the red carpet for hamsters Why, this is nature's weatherstripping What handle?
Crop	A horse? Yeah, that's the ticket En garde! It adds character to plaster and stucco Haven't you heard of crop circles? I'm conducting an invisible symphony He's the new spokesperson for Jockey
Flogger	We're going to be pirates this Halloween It's a pantomime horse tail Gives everything the smell of leather It's great for distressing antiques These are very popular in Illinois Can't you see? It's art!

When all other excuses fail, you can always claim that it is indeed a spanking implement, but (a) it's just a gag gift, (b) it's an integral part of our 1880s schoolroom motif, (c) it just looked right in that spot, (d) it's a keepsake from my sorority days, or (e) I saw it at a garage sale and didn't know what it was until this very moment.

If our story is sufficiently compelling, we might be able to hide our spanking toys in plain sight!

Then again, perhaps not…