Monday, January 30, 2006

Brunch Recap

Thanks to all of the participants for another great MBS Sunday Brunch. I knew you folks were good, but you surprised me again with your depth of insight and clarity of analysis.

Let me offer a personal welcome to Rose and Caia. I’m delighted you joined us!

Question: How do spankings benefit you, your partner, and your relationship?

Linda: For Mark and me, spanking is mostly used as foreplay. Over the years, however, we both realized there was so much more to it than just the simple act of "spanking." The trust, respect and love shared between the two of us has strengthened our relationship and given us a foundation to build on. It takes a great deal of trust to allow someone much larger and stronger than myself to hold me down and wield a strap, cane, paddle, etc. and not actually "hurt" me. By the same token, he has to trust me enough to be honest with him and let him know when something is too much or just not working for me. One of the most important benefits is open and honest communication.

We have both found that spanking is a great stress reliever for both of us and has also become a need for me to cleanse myself.

Very recently we were faced with a situation in which Mark actually used spanking as a punishment. In 23 years together, we had never gone beyond the "bedroom". When the opportunity presented itself, as hard as it was for both of us, we knew it was right. Our marriage was strong before, but honestly since that day, our relationship has taken yet another leap and the bond between us has solidified even more because of it.

The benefits for both of us go way beyond sexual gratification. Something I don't think Mark and I ever expected. :)

Mike: For my wife and me, it's about foreplay. Spanking for us started as something that was erotic, a little different, kinky, and it spiced things up. Now it's moved past that and it's about enjoying each other, pushing each other, and, I guess, play. It's fun. It’s still very erotic, yet complex enough to keep our imaginations active in relation to our sex life.

To me, the act of getting spanked is very erotic. But, not so much the actual act of spanking someone. My wife enjoys being spanked, among other things, so the erotic part of spanking her is knowing that I'm giving her pleasure. I believe it's pretty much the same for her. So for us, it's giving the other person something they enjoy.

Marcus: I will start by saying a spanking (giving or seeing) titillates me. Having a woman's bottom on my lap (my favorite position) gives me an opportunity to apply heat to her seat, and also to move my fingers elsewhere to perform further effects on her.

It's never been about discipline for me, possibly because the spankings I got as a child did little to discipline me. I also have this serious fear of ever hurting a woman, so to me, spanking is all about the eroticism. Spankings tend to get the women more physical with me afterwards.

AngelBrat: Spanking sets me back on an even keel like absolutely nothing else. When I'm hurt, when I'm angry, when I'm stressed, when I'm just being a flat out bitch, a hard spanking is the one thing that will take me back to where I need to be. The fact that Nick is willing to do this for me has made me fall even more in love with him.

Discipline definitely comes into play for us as well, and a spanking resolves things quite well for both of us. I find myself finally able to let go of the guilt for whatever I did that's come between us, and he's satisfied that I'm clear on the fact that what I did was actually wrong and harmful to us. Once I've been spanked, there's no bringing the incident that led to it up again.

Tigger: Spanking is completely sexual for my husband and me. I had always been fascinated with getting spanked ever since I read my first historical romance novel as a teenager. There was always something so hot about a guy putting a girl over his knee for a well-deserved spanking, and I used to fantasize about spanking constantly.

I wanted to give it a try for years, but never felt comfortable enough with a guy to bring up the subject, until I met my husband. With him, I knew I could share my most intimate fantasies, and still can.

When we were first dating, the spankings were nothing more than little light pats on the bottom, both of us too new to the whole thing. But then, as we both got more comfortable with spanking, he started putting me over his knee more and more, and we began adding implements, such as the hairbrush, several types of paddles, a strap, and most recently, a bathbrush, to our repetoire as well. And while we don't use spanking as a form of discipline per se, I've recently started to get spanked for being "naughty!" If I act a little fussy, he simply tells me to put the misdeed on my "Why I Should be Spanked" list. I pout a little, but do as he asks, knowing that a spanking was just what I was angling for the whole time!

As you've guessed, spanking is an incredible turn-on for both of us! Just the very idea that I'm going to get a spanking is enough to make me melt! I can't deny that I like the submissive aspect of it, and my husband has said that he'd be lying if he didn't admit that there's something arousing about being dominant.

As for how spanking benefits out relationship, it has helped us communicate better, not only in the bedroom, but outside of it as well. And though I'm not sure exactly how, it has also made us closer as a couple.

Cuddlybum: I just wrote a long post about this on my blog.

Spanking started out as a sexual, kinky thing. It added a bit of spice to an otherwise great sex life. It’s become more than that now. It brings us closer together, lets us (both!) release tension in a slightly better way than throwing things and screaming!!

The spanking itself is always an experience. It doesn't matter what it’s for! If its a foreplay thing, it makes the sex that bit more intense. If it’s for release, the aftermath makes us feel closer and more intimate than ever. It builds trust both ways. It takes down another block in our respective walls each time. It bonds us together.

I don't think we'd still be together or be as close without this aspect of our relationship. It allows us to talk about difficult things, to talk about things in a slightly calmer manner, to say potentially hurtful things in a safe environment. Most of all, it makes me feel safe. Wrapped in my beloveds arms after a spanking, is the safest place in the world to be.

Rivka: For me spanking is a motivational tool, both discipline and erotic. The idea of spanking is a turn on all in itself. The actual act just pushes me over the edge. True disciplinary spankings are a deterrent for specific acts. Therefore, I feel it helps me to avoid things I really don't want to do.

My partner benefits from it by an incredibly strong response from me. *g* Either way (discipline or erotic), he's going to get results that please him. As far as the erotic, he gets just as turned on by the idea of giving that sort of spanking as I do receiving it.

Our relationship has become amazingly strong and closer because of spanking. Sharing that same desire has made us open up more than ever before. We've learned more about each other and about what's pleasing to one another through breaking down communication barriers as a direct result of having a "spanking lifestyle." ;)

Bonnie: For us, it's difficult to separate the benefits of the spankings from those of the lovemaking that inevitably follows. These are wrapped up so tightly that they feel like two halves of the same activity. I will therefore consider both together.

During a spanking, my benefits include sexual arousal, feelings of warmth and closeness, physical contact, a sense of being truly alive, undeniable confirmation of our love, stress relief, fulfilling my desire to submit, a breaking down of barriers, and a redefinition of limits.

After the spanking, I enjoy somewhat different benefits including "rebooting" my emotions, calmness, promoting a feeling of connectedness, a regaining of perspective, feeling loved, improved communications, and re-establishment of the appropriate order of things.
Randy listed as his benefits fun, great sex, making me happier, and a genuine display of love.

In terms of our relationship, I would count everything above, plus bringing us closer as a couple.

Anon #1: Spanking for us is both erotic and discipline. I don't remember a time since we are married that Bill didn't spank me. It makes me feel loved, secure, and cherished as well as sexual. Bill feels in control, my protector, my champion and my lover (his words). For us as a couple, the feelings of warmth and openness are great. We talk about everything because we know that nothing we can say will be a shocker. There is a great deal more trust than there would be in a vanilla marriage. We love spending every minute we can get together. We both think that spanking has added a dimension to our life as a couple.

Anon #2: Sadly, spankings don't benefit our relationship. In the early years of our marriage there were lots of spankings. But then middle age took its toll. I remain a spanking fetishist but my wife does not. So spanking is a cause of a lot of friction and unfulfilled desire.

Rose: Spankings, for me, reboot my inner self. They force me to let go of the shit I've been holding onto, relieve stress, and definitely strengthen the emotional bond with my partner. Great sex always follows. The time in subspace is glorious and the marks and stinging that my partner leaves me with are constant reminders to me of his care for me and desire to spend time with me. It's such a healing thing for me....being spanked, caressed and hugged as I cry out the garbage.

Caia: Spankings for us are both erotic and disciplinary. The erotic benefits are well, erotic! As for the discipline ones, I agree with what some of the others said. They help me to let go when I'm stressed, upset, angry, or what have you. If I'm stressed, then so is he. The spankings benefit us both by giving the stress or upset an outlet. So, we can come back to each other and reunite.

Carrielilly: To me, spanking is a great release of both tension and increased guilt. It is also a great way to express my submission to my husband. Lowering my panties and placing myself in postion to have my bottom spanked. Oh my, there's nothing like it. It has dramatically improved our relationship sexually, physically, emotionally. . . all the way around! Oh and it's a great way to move past tension in our relationship.

SmartnNaughty: When I am spanked, the first benefit is that I know My Guy cares enough about me to spank me. It is my thing and I introduced him to it. He does like it, but first and foremost he is fulfilling something that I have only dreamed about for most of my life.

As I go through my days after a hard spanking, I can feel the results when I sit down and stand up. It is like the love of the spanking follow me around wherever I go.

The spanking brings us to a very intimate place afterward while we are cuddling. I feel like My Guy can look right into my very soul and see who I am. I feel very loved at this point and accepted for who I am. Being spanked and loved is something we alone share. Sure I blog about it but words can't express what we share.

I don't necessarily feel submissive right away. Yes, I feel loved and I look up to My Guy, but I could still be feisty if I wanted. Later in the day, however, submission deepened for me and I found myself feeling submissive in general, even to other authority figures.

My Guy would say he has an outlet for dealing with issues before they affect the relationship. It enhances communication and doesn't let resentment and unresolved issues drive us apart. A benefit for me is that I am clearly reminded that I am not responsible for everything. My Guy and I are a team and he is the leader. I don't have to shoulder the burden alone any more. I don't have to have all the answers and I can go to him and ask him for his thoughts. It is a wonderful and freeing thing. The benefits are just too numerous to name, even if I could.

What else can I say? Magnificent! Thank you all.

Update: Trish posted a thoughtful response on her blog. For a unique and valuable perspective, I invite you to check it out.

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Linda said...

Hey Bonnie...Great recap...BUT I'm LINDA not LISA. LOL I know, you had a lot on you plate, just want to make sure you know who I am.


Bonnie said...


Eeek! I am so sorry. I do know better.

I fixed it.

Janeen said...

Loved reading everyone's responses, thanks for the good question, and for sharing the answers with us.

Mike said...

Great comments everyone, looking forward to next weeks question. No pressure Bonnie


Linda said...

LOL thanks Bonnie. Yeah great comments everyone, this Sunday brunch is a great idea Bonnie. Can't wait until next week.

Jo aka SeaRabbit said...

Amazing to read all those testimonies... I'm almost on my way to ask for one.. ;-))

Caia said...

Bonnie, these reponses are all so great. And thank you so much for the warm welcome:)


Bonnie said...

Janeen - Isn't this fun? I love it!

Mike - None taken. We'll be here.

Linda - Thanks. I just want to give credit where it's due.

Sea - These good folks make a compelling case, don't they?

Caia - Thank you. I'm glad you joined us!

Everyone - So, next Sunday morning, I'll bring the goodies and we can try this again. If anyone has a blog you want me to link to your response, please let me know.

Great job!

Anonymous said...

I really enjoy these spanko brunches!!! And it's so fun to read what everyone else has to say!!!


Storm Rider said...

Its funny how this all happened, but Wind and I talked last night and all she kept saying is "when is my ear going to get better so I can take my spankings?" "I need my spankings!"
It has changed both of our lives for the better and we really cannot go long with out Wind getting them. Thanks a ton Bonnie!
By the way, I have a reader that has a great rack and she convinced me in being tagged, with that I tagged Randy, so before he starts bitching have him go visit Andis sight and see why I caved in!(secrets of a sex blogger)
Great post Bonnie!

CeeCi said...

Bonnie- Awesome! Next week, right? I'll be there, maybe before all the good bagels are gone and the coffee is cold. As Mike said, "no pressure"'re on to something really good with this.

Bonnie said...

Tigger: I completely agree. Thanks for your contributions.

Storm - I'll try, but I've never been able to drag him anywhere near this stuff.

CeeCi - Thanks. I look forward to seeing you there!

Marcus said...

Remember, these have to continue to be the perfect, deep, philosophical spanking questions too, right? Keep it up, Bonnie.

Bonnie said...

Marcus - I'll give it my best shot...

Anonymous said...

I have been married before and it never worked but now with my new guy it is great.... it took me a while to explain just what spanking does for me and now its great and I love him for being open to what I wanted and needed

thanks for being out there!

Anonymous said...

I love that I can act naughty and get a spanking sometimes if I get really bitchy or blow off things around the house its like a renewed vigor, I met this guy almost a year ago and we live together with 5 kids 4 his and 1 mine so things get very stressful for me not to mention him working 3rd shift. But weekends are always ours alone and he can be very creative when it comes to spankings
we joke around and he will say "what do you want your chore to be " I will name it he sets the time for it to be done and sometimes I drag my feet he has the sexiest looks and knows what I am up too
I feel that being open about this has brought us closer NOW if he would only find a lil more time to do this I would be on top of the world


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