Spanking 101: Peeling Back the Labels

This article is the latest installment in continuing series of tutorials. If you already know this stuff or came here for fun and games, please feel free to scroll on down.

If you’ve spent much time trolling the Web and reading spanking-related sites and blogs, you have most likely encountered a veritable thicket of labels. I’m sure I will overlook some, but here are the biggies:

• Dominance and Submission (D/s)


• Sadomasochism (S&M)


• Bondage and Discipline (B&D)


• Total Power Exchange (TPE)


• Domestic Discipline (DD)


• Master/slave (M/s)

I’ve linked each of these terms with its Wikipedia definition. I won't rehash the specific definitions, but you may wish to review them.

I notice that people sometimes use these terms interchangeably. There is clearly some overlap, but for the most part, each of these phrases has a specific meaning. In my mind, they fall into three basic categories:

Relationship-based: D/s, M/s, and TPE Activity-based: B&D, S&M Relationship and Activity-based: DD

The relationship-based labels refer to the nature of the interaction between partners. For example, a couple may decide that a submissive is required to lower her eyes in the presence of her dominant partner. The dynamic can vary greatly based upon the couple's preferences.

Activity-based labels tend to address more the physical side of a relationship and the practices a couple uses. Bondage and discipline, for instance, usually involves some sort of restraint along with the use of a punishment implement. Again, the details can be very different from one couple to the next. While these terms may bring to mind extreme scenes, activities can be wild, tame, or anything in between.

Domestic discipline, as commonly practiced, incorporates elements of both of the other types. The relationship is one where one partner assumes the role of head of household. This designation defines the relationship that exists between them. At the same time, physical punishments, most often spankings, are employed to enforce the boundaries of the relationship.

So which of these labels, you may be asking yourself, applies to you? All of them? None? Sections of some and slivers of others? As it turns out, labels seldom match up with the diverse complexity of human interactions.

I feel, for example, that Randy and I fit vaguely under most of these labels, yet none of them accurately describes who we are, how we relate, or what we do. For us, that is perfectly OK. We don't base our lives upon textbook definitions of how a particular type of relationship should operate. It's preferable, I believe, to build a relationship that fits the two people who comprise it. If one chooses to apply labels after the fact, there is no harm in that.

One of the pitfalls encountered by many beginning spankos is trying to live a label. People may read on a Web site that a M/s relationship is highly desirable and should operate in a particular manner. As soon as they try to pattern their relationship after an abstract ideal, they are likely to find their interactions and perhaps even their partner to be lacking. The result is misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

In building or shaping a loving relationship, communication is the key. If a couple is exchanging ideas and sharing feelings, they are much more likely to sculpt a relationship that is robust, resilient, and rewarding. Those qualities are far more important than blind adherence to some unattainable standard.

We can make this lesson easy. Forget the labels. Follow your heart. Work together. Talk issues through. Do what you love. Be who you are. Think up a name later.

Keywords: spanking 101, labels