Interview with Ava

Back in July 2012, I was interviewed by Ava from Ava’s Thoughts on Loving Domestic Discipline. It was a fun interview because she asked some questions that I had not answered before. This content has not previously appeared on this blog.

1. How long have you practiced Domestic Discipline with your HoH?

I wouldn't characterize our relationship as DD, at least not in the conventional sense. I'm not big fan of labels because people often treat them as prescriptive rather than descriptive (for example, a true follower of DD or whatever would never do x). I believe that each relationship must grow and evolve organically. Labels, if applicable, may be applied after the fact to explain, so long as they don't constrain.

I think Randy and I are probably closer to D/s than DD, but neither is a good fit. Our relationship is one that has changed through years of trial, error, success, and compromise. I am submissive and I follow his direction, though more in the bedroom than elsewhere. Around the house, we each have our responsibilities and take charge of them. He has my blanket consent to spank when he believes it necessary or helpful or convenient or fun. I almost always accept his judgment in such matters, though I retain the right to postpone a spanking when circumstances require it.

We spank for many reasons - Stress relief, reconnection, play, foreplay, just because, preventative maintenance, and more. What's missing from this list is a key element of domestic discipline - punishment. It's not a part of our real life dynamic. I'm 54 years old and very responsible. He doesn't evaluate my behavior. Nor do I evaluate his. I think if I disappointed him in some major way, we'd probably talk through it and come to a resolution. There might be a spanking involved, but it wouldn't be punishment for misdeeds. This is how he wants it.

With that said, I've been fascinated with traditional corporal punishment scenes since childhood. We have many rituals and they are a huge turn-on for me. He knows just which words to say to launch me into that headspace.

We've been together since the late 1970s and we've spanked regularly almost from the very beginning. We took a break for about a year in the 1980s while I was pregnant. That too was his idea.

2. Did you start DD before or after you were married?

Before, with the caveat above

3. What is your least favorite/most painful spanking implement you have experienced?

We've experimented with all manner of ill-conceived implements and pervertibles (vanilla objects adapted for spanking). The worst was probably a rubber paddle/strap thing. It turned my skin red almost instantly.

4. Have you experienced other punishments besides spanking and corner time?

As described above, we don't punish in the sense that a DD couple might. We do corner time, occasional restraint, and employ a variety of toys.

5. Do you always receive bare bottom spankings or does it depend on how offensive your behavior was?

Even if spankings don't start out on my bare bottom, they virtually always end up that way.

6. How would your HoH react if you wore revealing clothing in public? Would you get punished for it?

Honestly, I think he'd love it. He adores my curvy body and thinks I should show it off more than I do.

7. What form of DD do you practice? Is it for religious reasons? A Taken in Hand dynamic? 1950's household?

Ours is a hybrid to be sure.

8. Do you think DD helps you explore your feminine side more deeply?

That's an intriguing question worthy of an entire blog post. I'm not one who believes that females are inherently inferior. We are smaller, but we are not less.

With that said, my submissive side is often expressed through softness and femininity. So, speaking only for myself, I guess my answer is a qualified yes.

9. Does your HoH use maintenance spankings or does he believe in spankings as punishments only?

As described above, we use spankings for everything except true punishment. We have a standing date on Friday evenings for what some might call a maintenance spanking. It's usually the most severe spanking of the week and it serves to recalibrate and reconnect us. This session often starts out serious and ends with us laughing in bed. Afterward, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated.

10. Have you received a figging during a spanking?

No, but my husband would like to try it sometime. We own a plug that is used on occasion.

11. What is your opinion on enema punishment? Are you neutral about it, or unsure?

That's not our kink. We prefer spankings.

12. Do you enjoy the Daddy/little girl dynamic or the mere fantasy of it?

For us, spanking, whatever the purpose, always has a sexual element. That is incompatible with a parent/child relationship. We do roleplay, but the focus is quite different.

13. Do you think crying by the end of a spanking is essential in a fully effective punishment?

Absolutely not. Crying is an individual thing. I'm the one who sobs at the kids' movie when the dog dies. But paddle my bottom and tears are hard to come by. It's just a part of how I’m wired.

14. Does your HoH firmly believe in privacy during punishment?

Yes.

15. Has he spanked you in front of others or in public?

Yes, but not in any serious way.

Personal Questions:

1. Does your HoH have a special name he calls you when you're in trouble? (i.e. Little Miss or Young Lady?)

He has several names including my full name, Missy, and Young Lady.

2. Do you keep spanking separate from the bedroom or do you find it an erotic act as well as discipline?

Whatever the intent, every spanking has an erotic element.

3. What is the most intimate spanking position you've been in that made you feel the most connected to your Husband?

That's almost two questions. The most intimate might be a wheelbarrow variant where I lie face down on top of him. My spread legs go beneath his arms and my bottom (and other parts) are close to his face. I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader to visualize why this position is so intimate. :)

The spanking position that makes me feel most connected is the traditional over the lap position. I've been across his lap a thousand times before and it's familiar. When I'm there, even the unavoidable pain is welcome. He knows just what to do to set me right. At those moments, my love for him is so strong I would do almost anything he asks.

Thanks, Ava, for an engaging interview!

Erica Scott Interview

SamanthaB just released a new video interview with our amazing friend, Erica Scott. If you don't know Erica, you surely should. She is a brilliant writer, skilled observer, sage advisor, and spanko celebrity. And as you'll see in the video, she also has a beautiful smile.



Erica discusses her spanko history, blogging, relationships, filming videos, spanking parties, etiquette, and assisting newbies. Thank you, Samantha and Erica, for a informative and fascinating interview.

Interview with MarQe

Here's something fun! I was interviewed last week by MarQe. You can check it out here.

Interview at Blossom and Thorn

I was recently interviewed by Season and Michael over at Blossom and Thorn. I think it turned out quite well. Thanks to both of you for a fun conversation!

The MBS Interviews: Joss

I always said that any interviews I did for this blog would have to be unique and different. Several blogs already offer excellent interviews of various models, bloggers, and others well known in the scene. I have no intention of trying to compete with the likes of Brushstrokes or Suzy.

Which brings us to Joss. Joss is a bright, introspective young woman who recently started a blog named Confusing Territory. She has acknowledged her interest in domestic discipline, but many unanswered questions remain.

Because I hear from quite a few readers in a similar situation, I asked Joss if she would consent to share her story in the form of an interview. Happily, she agreed. We both hope that her thoughts, feelings, and experiences will give other readers the courage to accept this part of themselves and perhaps begin their own journeys.

---

Could you tell us a little about yourself and your life?

I am a Christian and I have mostly conservative values. There are a lot of experiences that I’ve avoided including smoking, drinking, and drugs. I have earned the good girl image, but I don’t consider myself virtuous. I’ve just never had the desire to do those things.

I have an older brother and my parents have been happily married for almost 35 years. We’re just an average middle class family. My parents always encouraged me to be involved in activities that interested me. When I was five, they enrolled me into ballet classes and I’ve taken them ever since. I did well in public school and received a full scholarship to a small university a couple of hours from my hometown. I’ll graduate with a double major in May.

Can you recount the time when you first realized that you had an interest in domestic discipline? How did you react to these feelings?

After coming across a domestic discipline web site, I developed an intense fascination. I felt as though I should understand where these women were coming from before making comments intended to “help them.” The interest was developing at that point, but I was still in denial.

Soon after, I was reading a post and trying to put myself in the writer's place when I realized that I was a little envious. What the heck? Yeah, I was envious and little disappointed because it would never be acceptable. Shock was the most prominent feeling and I refused to go back to any DD website for a couple of days. I finally admitted my interest, and that brings me to where I am today, which is trying to understand it.

As you worked to come to terms with this interest, what sources of information did you find beneficial?

I am still trying to come to terms with this. My mind no longer shouts “NO” every time I think about it, but there are still moments when I wonder what’s wrong with me. I referred to the Taken in Hand site the most at first. I read it before I realized I was interested in DD and then read it again after I became interested. It’s amazing how perspective changes everything. From there I went to blogs. Some were mentioned on Taken in Hand and others I just Googled (be careful with that by the way). I have scholarly, peer reviewed journal articles I found on Google Scholar. I also tried a few fiction pieces, but I didn’t feel comfortable reading them. I figure that fiction is not so reliable as a source of information.

As a new blogger, what are your impressions of our community?

The community has been very welcoming. No one has been critical or judgmental. There has been a lot of great advice and support. I think the best thing is how open the community is. It’s OK to be different. It’s OK that I’m a 22-year old innocent pestering all the adults in the community. I feel like a kid with a thousand questions, curious about this new world I’ve found and the community is full of wise scholars patiently guiding me on my path.

What is it about domestic discipline that fascinates you?

The idea of a HoH makes me feel centered. It appeals to me to know that one person is going to make the decisions and the relationship won't get rocky because we couldn’t agree on something trivial. I’m the kind of person who feels better after a decision is made, even if I don’t like it. It’s done and we can move on. I mean we can talk about it. I can give my opinions, views, and feelings so he’ll know to take those into account, but I don’t want to negotiate, argue, or fight.

Dominance is also something I find very appealing. Dominant men can make me feel grounded and safe. Their confidence inspires my confidence. I know that’s kind of generic, but it’s really the only way I know to explain it.

The last thing I find fascinating is being held accountable. I’m an adult and I don’t need someone making rules for me. But it would feel reassuring to know that when I slipped, when I messed up, when I’m not making progress, or when I start moving backwards, someone will be there to help me get back on track. I hope that I can do the same thing for him, though in a different way of course.

Can you imagine yourself someday submitting to a husband or boyfriend? How about allowing him to spank you?

I want to be able to submit to my husband someday, but I probably will never be submissive outside of marriage. I believe in waiting until you're married to have sex (I know, it's old fashioned) and I think that submission, even though it may not always be overtly sexual, is very intimate. I will only submit to one man and he will be my husband. It’s not something I could do in a casual relationship or in a relationship without serious commitment.

I feel out of place in the community at times because the idea of spanking is not appealing to me. I like reading Stormy’s blog because I can relate. She doesn’t like spanking either. However, it is something I would submit to. I wouldn’t ask for it, wouldn’t suggest it, but if my husband thought that it was the best for our relationship, I would submit to it. He would probably have to help me along with that submission.

Do you feel that spanking is an appropriate tool for maintaining accountability within a DD relationship?

It depends on the relationship and the couple. Even the thought of a spanking makes me cringe, so it would probably serve as a good deterrent. I'm willing to submit to it if it's what my husband wants.

However, if the wife or submissive, isn't willing to submit to spanking in the relationship, it doesn't matter how great the husband or dominant, it's not appropriate. When I say submit to spanking, I don't necessarily mean an individual spanking, but in general in the relationship. For example, there may be an instance when the wife is being stubborn and doesn't want to submit to a specific incident, but she's agreed to the lifestyle. In that case, it's OK for the husband to go through with the spanking. However, if the wife decides she does not want to submit to any spanking, then it wouldn't be appropriate.

Would you consider exploring aspects of this lifestyle outside of a conventional relationship (for example, visiting a disciplinarian or attending a spanking party)?

I’m a very vanilla person, and while I think it’s great that other people participate in other aspects of the lifestyle, they’re really not for me. I’m only interested in being with one man and having a monogamous relationship. It has more to do with my trust issues. I’ll have a hard enough time trusting one person. I don’t think I could trust a lot of other people or a person with whom I don’t have a serious committed relationship.

How has your exploration changed your life and your viewpoint so far? Can you envision where this might lead?

The most significant change in my life, other than the fact that I now spend a good deal of time reading blogs, is that I have realized that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. My friends and I have always joked that I’ll never be married. I’m just not made to have long term relationships because I can’t attach myself to people, I’m not loving enough, etc. I just wasn’t interested in what I was seeing in the relationships of people around me.

After I started reading more and exploring DD, I realized that I actually do want a relationship. I don’t want a relationship where I am the leader, and I am taking care of everything. I want to be submissive. So I’m hoping this will lead me to a relationship, a real one, which is something I never thought was possible before.

Were you surprised to find and meet people who have embraced spanking, domestic discipline, and alternative lifestyles for decades?

I was surprised there were so many. I had a friend who was openly into BDSM, so I was somewhat aware of the culture, that is to say I knew it was there. I think what surprised me most is that there are so many couples who have DD relationships. I know it’s similar to BDSM, but in my mind it’s still separate. It’s also surprising how natural their relationships are and how loving and committed the couples seem to be. Another thing that kind of caught me off guard is that with DD, it’s not a kink that you only play with during the weekend. It’s a lifestyle that influences how you live every day.

Can you offer any advice to those who follow you along this path? What is the most important thing you have learned about kink or about yourself?

I think the best advice I could offer is to ask questions. I’m making a list of concerns that I have and I plan on bombarding all the wise scholars in the community. If there’s something that bothers you or something that you don’t understand, ask questions. Most bloggers are open and will always try to help. I would also advise taking things slowly. You don’t have to completely redefine yourself in one day. You don’t even have to come to terms with DD in one day. Walk before you run.

On almost every blog and DD website I’ve read, there has been a post that said there are no set rules for DD and I think this is a very important thing to know. When I first started exploring the community, I thought since there is no way I would do things like bondage, needle play, or breath play, there is no way I could have this type of relationship. Then I read on someone’s blog that a relationship doesn’t have to meet a community’s standards, but it can be whatever you and your partner want it to be. You can make your own rules based on what you need as a couple.

---

Thank you, Joss. Your knowledge and understanding are obviously growing fast. I wish you the very best as you continue to learn and discover.

Talk with Tigger

Our pal Tiggs just posted an interview she did with Randy and me. Yes, you read that correctly. The silent man speaks!

Anyhow, it was a fun exercise and I hope you will enjoy it.

Thanks, Tiggs!