Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Editorial: It's Not Up to Me

This post is my opinion alone. I don't intend to tell anyone else how they should think or what they should believe. If these topics upset you, offend your sensibilities or make you feel uncomfortable, I am sorry. I invite you to click the back button or simply direct your browsing elsewhere.

I regularly cruise around the web searching for new spanking-oriented blogs. Along the way, I encounter many different sorts of places - clever places, seedy places, confusing places, gross places, and beautiful places. Through these travels, I sometimes gain a feel for what is important in and around our community at the moment. So it was last week.

I witnessed dozens of scalding attacks on domestic discipline blogs and especially those that advocate CDD. The attackers were from outside our community. Most assume that DD wives must be abused and controlled by their violent and dangerous spouses. Never mind that these very women speak out in favor of their arrangements. They must have low self-esteem we are told. Never mind that these wives volunteer that they asked their husbands to act as head of household. It's some sort of Stockholm syndrome. It has to be. No one could ever want to be spanked.

I recognize that domestic violence is real and a major problem in our society. I don't for a minute minimize the damage it does every day to our families and our society. But let's not start a war over a case of mistaken identity. The difference is consent. Without it, we have a crime. With it, we have an act of love.

The common thread in all of these attacks is that paternalistic do-gooders are convinced that they know better what is right for a couple than the couple themselves do. They hold to a belief that their world view is superior and therefore should apply to everyone.

I am not in a DD relationship. That's our choice. But I have no right to tell someone else that they shouldn't incorporate DD into their lifestyle. It's not up to me.

Lest you think I reserve my venom only for liberal half-wits, let's move on to what I believe to be a closely related topic. I see the same sorts of arguments against same sex marriage. Critics believe that gays and lesbians should not be allowed to marry essentially because it clashes with their own values. They don't wish to marry a same sex partner, so no one else should either.

As with DD, I reject this viewpoint. The vast majority of people are smart enough and aware enough to know what they want in love and in life. Even if they get it wrong, and inevitably some will, they have the right to follow their own passion, instinct, and judgment.

I'm not in a gay marriage and I don't imagine I ever will be. That's not my preference. But other people should be free to do as they wish. Once again, it's not up to me.

When will we as a society finally resolve to quit trying to protect people from themselves? Not soon enough...

53 comments :

Callie M said...

Wonderful post Bonnie. Thanks for sharing your viewpoint on what is obviously a very controversial topic. It really is about people telling others that their view of relationships is superior, I wish I could know the day when people will stop trying to save people from themselves... But really, and very sadly, I don't think that will ever happen.

Callie

Dana said...

Amen, somebody wave a hanky... Can I get a witness?

sunnygirl said...

I agree with your point of view on both counts. Good editorial.

baby girl said...

Very well stated Bonnie!

hugs bg

abby said...

AMEN!!! Very well said....I could not agree more. Thanks for taking the time to post this.
hugs abby

Anonymous said...

You are so right about this! Why do folks think they need to impose their "values" on consenting adults.

Blue Bird said...

Ah Bonnie...
I was just thinking yesterday that we needed to have another Bonnie Appreciation Day. My blog roll wouldn't come up and I came to your blog to look up some blogs.
Now you go and write this......Bravo Bonnie, bravo!!

Conina B said...

Right there with you, Bonnie

maryanne said...

this was wonderful, bonnie. i agree wholeheartedly. i wish everyone could just step outside their SMALL minded circle and be in someone else's shoes for just a minute, maybe then and only then could we all get along. sadly, i doubt that will ever be the case, but i can hope.

thank you for this. :)
hugs,
m.

ps: i love your blog. it's one i visit regularly!

TL Bucko said...

Here, here. Well said. I don't know why live and let live isn't a policy more people subscribe to. Thank you for sharing this.

Dragon's Rose said...

Way to tell it Bonnie. Thanks for taking up for this community of spankos!

Daisy Christian said...

Well said Bonnie....I sent you an email hope u get it :)

elle :) said...

Great post!

Blondie said...

Bonnie, thanks for speaking out for all of us. Those that are closed minded and hateful are not strong enough to break this community, especially with people like you as our go to person.

Renee Rose said...

(applauding). Thank you for your wise words, Bonnie. Totally agree.

Tricia said...

Thank you for this Bonnie! It is awesome of you to speak out about this and I COMPLETELY agree with every word!!

Thank you so much,
Tricia

Belle L said...

I didn't read all the comments. I believe what I believe, however one of the BIG things that I believe is that we have a right to share our beliefs, but no right to judge. God instructs us not to judge. If we do not follow what God instructs, we are sinning. Sooo if you are following me.. if I judge someone according to their sin, then I am sinning. We all sin every single day either by doing something or not doing something that we know we should. Sometimes that is just by not making our relationship with God as important as it should be. I don't feel that I should lie about my beliefs, so if asked I will say what they are. I don't believe that our right of freedom of speech, should be taken away, because some people think our beliefs are wrong. I do however believe we should follow the greatest commandment of all, the Golden Rule as some people call it. That means that we are to LOVE God with our whole self, and LOVE our neighbor as ourselves. Do we want to be condemed because of our sin, NO. Therefore if you believe another is sinning, you should not condemn them either. I vote according to my beliefs. I do not make a bed for unmarried couples in my home, but I love them and leave it up to God to speak to them about those things. The only reason I don't make a bed for them in my home, is because I would be PARTICIPATING in the act. I believe some very outspoken so called "followers of God" give the rest of us a very bad name. That's been going on since the beginning of man's exsistance. I'm a Christian, therefore my personal belief is that Christ came and showed us how we were interpreting so much of His Word wrong. I do have conservative beliefs, but that doesn't make me a hater. I love many people of many beliefs, and God loves EVERYBODY with a godly love that none of our professions of love can compare. Ok, well, love me or hate me. Believing and Judging are different is what I'm trying to say. God is the only one who knows all truths. I believe when we get to Heaven, He will say to us. "All this stuff you put all your energy in and I told you what was most important, love God and love each other." - May God bless you all, Belle L.

AngelBrat said...

Well said!

Hugs,
Tracy

*Bonnie* said...

Great post Bonnie! I will never understand why people feel the need to judge others. To each their own.

Minelle Labraun said...

I agree Bonnie! Open minded!

Katie said...

Three Cheers, Bonnie! No actually, INFINITE cheers!!! When??? WHEN are people going to realize that kindness and respect for ALL people is what it is all about??? If everyone in this world were to take a real look at the good, caring, kind, intelligent, thoughtful, happy, giving, loving people that have become our friends in this community, much by chance, and would then examine their own behavior and make changes to the same, this world would truly be a better place!

YAY Bonnie! Hugs to you!
<3 Katie

Mindy said...

Well said, Bonnie!

Dee said...

I've not been around blog land much lately and so have no clue as to what's going on, but, I totally agree with you Bonnie. Live and let live is what I say!

Dee x

Simon said...

I agree with almost everything you said but I do have a problem with the last paragraph. The whole point of society and by extension government is to protect its members/citizens from themselves. The problem arises with knowing were to draw the line. For instance I am old enough to have been around before seat belts became compulsory in the U.K., and I didn't wear one until they did. I had been fortunate enough not to have an accident before then but since then a seat belt has possibly saved my life and certainly saved me from a possibly quite serious injury. That is an example of a society/government making a decision that I feel was necessary but which a lot of people at the time felt was an unwarranted assault on their freedoms. Another example would be the smoking ban which I as a smoker find irritating but I do feel is a fair step. Also it is perfectly natural for people to judge other people on their actions. We all do it to a certain extent, however broadminded we may be or think we are there will always be something that we personally find beyond the pale. In such circumstances I take the view that as long as it is not harming themselves (within a fairly elastic definition of harm admittedly) or others they should be allowed to continue. Are we sometimes guilty of feeling what I do is a harmless bit of fun but what they do is disgusting? Also are we sometimes guilty of overreacting to criticism, who knows?

Roz said...

Wonderful post Bonnie. Well said!

Hugs,
Roz

Susie said...

Thank you Bonnie. It is sad how much stress all of this has caused.

Natasha Knight said...

I've seen those lately too and although we are not in a DD relationship, it still makes me angry as well. No, not angry, more just live and let live - what does it matter to you what someone else does?

I was the one who brought spanking into our relationship - asking to be spanked - not DD but still, asking to be spanked. I believe it's mostly women who bring the idea to the male partner.

It's crappy to see these sort of attacks and I'm not for confrontation but I do believe the best you can do is ignore - don't give them fuel and just - as my mom would say - in one ear and out the other.

Missy jones said...

Thanks Bonnie for this. I'm one of those dd wives with low self esteem getting abused by choice ;)

Funny how you mention same sex marriages. It was something me and H were speaking about. It's like entering in to a less " normal" relationship has helped us both be more aware and understanding of other , less socially norm ways of life.

I think what people are missing here is that, it's ok to disagree with something, and it's ok to voice your opinion. But it's NOT ok to attack and belittle people, just because you don't understand their way of life. I invite anyone to come and ask me, the whys and where's of this life and I would answer their questions, within limit, but don't attack me or judge me, before you've talked to me :)

This is so sad that people in our community are being attacked and forced in to hiding :( I hope an wish that things calm down soon and we can all go back to our lives, without fear and rejection :)

Hugs c

PK said...

I see so many people pick a 'sin' as they see it and act as though it's the worst thing a person can do. They pick one that they can't imagine themselves ever doing so that they can condemn it most harshly. As a woman who choose to have a spanking relationship with her husband and the mother of a gay son who will be marrying this fall, I appreciate your words.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you!!
Thank you so much for everything you post!

Mick and Lynda's Place said...

Thanks Bonnie. I was getting a lot of unwanted attention and decided I had to privatize my blog. But anyone in this community can still read if they want to sign up. Let me know at mickandlyndasblog@gmail.com

Again, thanks.

sixofthebest said...

Bravo, Bravo, Bravo. Bonnie. I agree with you 100%. You said it all. That is why I love your blog. Your editorial is honesty to the 100th degree. That is why I and I'm sure every other 'spanko' respects you so highly.

Annie said...

When will people just live and let live. I could not figure out where alot of the blogs went that I love to read. I dont blog YET, but I have to tell you once I found the article that started all this I was appalled at the judgement of people, and I think it is time to start. People really seemed to have a problem with the DD part of it. Although we don't practice dd because my husband won't go there, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all. But who is to decide what is best for a marriage except the two people in it. There isn't a pain reliever in the world that can work on me as good as a great spank night from my old man. In some eyes that makes him abusive in mine it makes him a saint and I LOVE him for it. I pray that this all goes away soon, so that everyone can live in peace again.

Tess said...

Well said Bonnie! The last thing the world needs is more hate and judgement. Live and let live.

rednakedy said...

Somehow I have managed to have not seen the article that started all this. So I am a bit puzzled over the uproar, since I have not seen the source, nor have I seen the vicious comments themselves---just references to them. And references to letting the dust settle. And I have noticed comments in the past few days on the handful of blogs that I regularly visit, (and occasionally visit)about pulling blogs or going private by invitation only. That is very sad.

Without the whole story that "solution" sounds a little like the kinds of changes made in life that "allow the terrorists to win."

As far as I'm concerned, WHATEVER two people do in their bedrooms is entirely up to them to mutually decide. Keep in mind I live in one of those states where the government still feels free to invade my own marital bedroom by making oral sex a "crime against nature." But I digress. I feel that "kinky" is whatever two consenting adults together decide it is. And TOO kinky is whatever two consenting adults together decide it is, for themselves and ONLY themselves. For someone---anyone outside of my relationship to try to tell me what I can or cannot do, or to judge me for what I do----well, that's like telling me I am going to go to hell for/I am forbidden to eat a steak because they have chosen to be vegetarian.

I hope all of you will keep your blogs up and ignore the people who would wish to force their opinions upon you.

Again, without the source, I wonder if this would apply to the situation:

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d5/da/97/d5da97d9efae46fa59bf0da95096381d.jpg

Or perhaps the first word needs to be changed to "An opinion..."

Sassafrass said...

Great Post, Bonnie! As a Christian myself I have a hard time figuring out how people can skip the parts of the Bible that say Love your neighbor as yourself, and judge not lest you be judged. I try to live that way, and I expect the same from others in my life. There is truly a difference in believing and judging. Thanks for this post.

Julia said...

Exactly! I am not a Christian, but I researched these articles a little, and they are just not well done. They were written by a person who didn't have an open mind, and wasn't willing to write about this objectively at all. Our ttwd/DD has turned more into fun spankings lately, but that is because only the couple themselves know what is working for them.

Hermione said...

Bravo, Bonnie, for pouring oil on our troubled waters.

Hugs,
Hermione

kim b. said...

I Vote 4 Bonnie this to me is still new so I look around carefully to see Whom I should aspire to and every time its you!

Thank you for Leadership and Straight Talk!

Mandy M said...

Bonnie...This was a great post!
Although I am new to blogging I am not new to the idea of spanking or spanking used in the context being debated. My opinion is as follows:
Life is too short to waste it with self-righteous, judgmental people who somehow find a morbid enjoyment in the devaluing and degrading of others just because they believe and live differently.
Set yourself apart from these people, they are a negative load who impede your progress. Celebrate diversity, make new friends and treat others with the same amount of grace and love that you also require. With a dash of old school: If people don't have anything nice to say they shouldn't say anything at all...just my two cents.

George K said...

Bonnie, great post, I agree with you. I read judging others does not define who they are, it defines who you are.

Blessings,
George

Betsy said...

Very true!

Don said...

It angers and distresses me that Bonny even needs to express these views, all of which I believe our community totally endorse.

I had the privilege recently to attend a teaching of HH the Dalai Lama who said..with fear there can be no trust, with no trust there can be no compassion, with no compassion there can be no loving kindness, with no loving kindness there can be no love...

So to my mind these people who condemn our way of life are without love and can not begin to speak as though they have some higher moral authority.

It is time we stopped accepting the lunatic ravings of a rabid minority and assert our desire to love and be loved in any way that brings happiness, compassion and loving kindness to this sorry world of ours.

Dear Bonnie, you have our communities full support and I hope your editorial and the overwhelming endorsement of the community as shown by their comments shows our support for you and your quest for a more equitable and compassionate world

Spankher4real said...

I just got notice from Blogger they will be shutting down sights, such as mine and perhaps others. Freedom of speech works as long as what you speak about is kept to yourself. You may not hear from me after the 1st of July. We'll see what happens.

Kenzie said...

Good for you Bonnie! Well said!

Marie Bliss said...

You said this all so beautifully well, Bonnie! I am with you 100%

Wilma Rubble said...

Thank you Bonnie. I once heard a saying , " Nothing brings people together faster than a common hate" This week Blog land has proven quite the opposite I believe.

willie

Anonymous said...

Bonnie,
Amen!
houston_switch

Elysia said...

Bonnie,
Thank you for speaking out for those of us who have chosen the “alternative lifestyle” of Domestic Discipline (Dd). I don’t know what you have found, but it sounds to me like a case of Cyberbullying. Yes, Cyberbullying happens to aduts as well as children. Your readers may find this link informative https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyberbullying
I don’t always agree with other bloggers, nor do I like to visit certain sites that make me feel uncomfortable. I simply avoid visiting those sites. Those blogger have every right to post their own views, as long as they are within the law.
I’ve often come across this quote while I’m blogging,
“I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.” - Voltaire
Thank you so much for giving all of us a wonderful sense of communitty, and for standing up for our right to practice a lifestyle that reflects *a personal choice*. Yes, Dd is far removed from domestic violence. There is just no reason to believe we are brainwashed or abused. We are fully consenting adults.
Would an abusive husband allow an abused wife to blog about it? (the same would have to be true for abusive wives/abused husbands) Many of us have asked for this lifestyle because of the way it fulfills us. And many husbands (wives too) have been reluctant until they could understand just how much it meant to us.
My self esteem is actually much higher since Dd is our lifestyle, and so is Henry's.
This lifestyle choice should be protected along side of our freedom of speech if you ask me. Sexual Freedom should be our right too.
Well said Bonnie, ‘we should be free to do as we wish’!
Hugs! Elysia

Meg said...

I'm puzzled by those who inveigh against relationships that are entered into voluntarily, by mutual consent, and attempt to justify their positions by their interpretations of an ancient document (which, BTW, does NOT specifically forbid DD that's mutually accepted). Don't they realize that marriages throughout the Middle East 2000 years ago were almost all arranged by parents (usually fathers) with no thought of mutual love between bride and groom? Don't they know that wives were regarded as property and often less esteemed by their husbands than the couples' sons were? Can't they conclude from these facts that the culture and relgious mores of that time and place - the time, place, and religious standards that they invoke and claim to follow - involved women being frequently, brutally beaten and otherwise far more abused than one would be likely to find in any DD, let alone non-DD spanking relationship, today? Ignorance would be funny if it didn't lead to so many outrages and even tragedies.

ronnie said...

I wish everyone would live and let live.

Well said Bonnie. Thank you.

Love,
Ronnie
xx

Bonnie said...

Thank you, everyone, for your support! :)

Anonymous said...

Well said Bonnie - as always - you are an inspiration to many of us.

As far as DD and spankos go, the only rule society should insist on is that what happens behind closed doors is between consenting adults, after that it ain't nobody's business!

As for same sex relationships, if being around straight people doesn't make straight, then why would being around gay people make you gay? I don't assume bexuase you are heterosexual you are going to hit on me, why would you assume that because I am gay I'm going to hit on you? People should be able to legally and safely love who they choose (so no, pedophilia, rape etc is not ok, the same common sense rules apply to all sexual interactions).

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