When dating in presumably vanilla circles, are there any clues that might indicate a spanking interest in a potential partner? Are there any "litmus test" questions that sound innocent to a vanilla, but would prompt a true spanko to show himself? Or is it simply a mistake to expect to find a spanking enthusiast within the general population?
I would appreciate any guidance you can provide for Dori. As always, you are invited to answer our question by entering a comment below. At the end of the weekend, I will post an edited summary.
19 comments :
Dear Bonnie, at a party, such phrases by someone saying. "I'm having a spanking good time'. "If you do that again, I'll have your knicker's down in no time" "I'd give her 'six' anytime". etc.
Hm...I can't answer from personal experience, but here are a few suggestions just from thinking about it.
Do you (Dori) mean M/F spanking as in fun foreplay or more as a domestic discipline arrangement? If the second one, I think it would be possible to say things like, "I believe in traditional marriage values" or "I really like for the man to be head of the household" etc. Then see how the other person reacts and possibly go in more detail.
If you're looking more for the fun and kinky games variety, I think it would be quite a bit easier now that 50 Shades of Grey has gotten popular. Just say, "A friend of mine gave me 50 Shades of Grey...have you read it? What did you think?"
My husband loves a woman's eyes. He says the eyes are the window to a persons heart. However, he never has been able to keep his hands off of my bottom. Even before he knew he was a spanko he loves touching my backside and giving it a squeeze.
My advice? Look for clues. A fascination with your backside. Touching. Looks and hints. If I were you, I would drop a few hints of my own too. Good luck finding a spanko!
My suggestion? The first time you're physically intimate with him, ask him to spank you. I've been using this approach for almost a decade, and the worst response I've ever gotten was "no thanks, not my thing."
If you get a more outraged or disgusted response than that, then he's a judgmental weirdo and you don't want to date him anyway.
Really, this may come as a surprise, but telling people the things that you want them to know actually works. Its called communication, and people have been doing it for a very long time.
I haven't had any experience in this area either, but if he's a butt man, chances are he'd enjoy spanking yours for fun. When he's showing interest in your bottom, encourage him to give it a smack, then show your appreciation. Things could escalate nicely from there.
From my limited polling, it seems like while many people are hard-wired spankos, men in particular are quite open to satisfying their partner that way if that's their bent. My husband is turned on spanking because it turns me on, if that makes sense... But he was not a natural spanko although I would say he is an a## man.
I usually ask if he's more into boobs or butt. I agree with the responses so far that if he's into bottoms it'll likely be easier to get him to engage in some spanking fun. Tell him you really like it. and if you do, when you're in bed, anyway, he'll likely be able to tell *grin*
going after a DD relationship is a little harder i think. I've always mentioned it to boyfriends and the responses vary. in all my years this is the first D/s relationship i've had. the others just weren't into it, and the 1 or 2 who might have been interested, i didn't trust enough to go there with them.
I am not sure if there is, or that I would know it just by dating a guy. I knew with DH because I found his porn stack pretty early on in the relationship (not that I was snooping...)
If it's spanking for fun I've found that even in the most vanilla relationship the man is usually more apt to do what turns his partner on or at least try it! MDK loves my ass and I am lucky enough that he will do whatever I suggest he does to it. On the DD side I would only recommend this with a long term partner or spouse and hints. Good luck!
I think mine could have been a case of sheer dumb luck, but with my boyfriends (very, very vanilla) I simply told them I liked to be spanked and left it a little while to sink in. Then I made sure I sounded REALLY appreciative the first time they tried it (at my request):P
That's one to remember. While YOU might know that you want/love/need it, they might not quite be able to get their head around it. So you need to show them.
Clara
There's nothing better for a relationship than honest communication. Hints, winking and nudging may eventually get you the spanking you want, but you'll have expended a huge amount of time and effort, when all you had to do was introduce the idea in plain English. Why would you need to introduce the topic in a way innocuous to a vanilla? Don't you trust the person you're presumably considering as a romantic partner? If you trust him, talk to him openly. You don't have to lay out your entire fantasy life in front of him, you can just ask how he feels about trying some kinky things with you, and go from there.
Talk. Seriously, talk.
I'm lucky I have an in-house spanker, who spanks my bottom as much as I want, and often a bit more than I want, but if I was looking for pastures new, I would get myself to one of those swinging parties. I have a full rounded bottom, and I would dress it in a clinging tight skirt, which would outline the divide of my bottom, my pantie line, and even my suspenders straps. I would pick a target, a man similar to the famous Christian Grey perhaps. Having made a contact, I would give him every chance to eye my provocative rear view; any signs of interest, and I would lean over or even bend right down to pick something off the floor.
I would try and introduce some buzz words into our talk such as 'naughty' 'behave' etc. Next stage,I try to brush my pouting rump against him; this is the critical one, and I hope he will respond with a gentle pat. A cheeky grin from me, and the pat becomes a squeeze, a harder squeeze, and finally I am edged into a quiet corner for a few sharp smacks across the seat of my thin skirt.
WE are in business, and later that evening I find my self well bent over for a sharp spanking on my tight bottom, by now probably bare, which leaves me red skinned and smarting, which is what I was looking for !
Of course he may not take the bait, so I then will have to look for another 'Christian' S
Hi bonnie,When we first met I did something that really hacked her off and she was shouting at me and with tears in my eyes and I was really sorry I just blurted out are you going to spank my bottom?YES I am because thats what you deserve,with that she grabbed my arm and pulled me over a chair and spanked me.After, we had a big love on the floor.Its been the same ever since She knows she lives with avery naughty boy.That was over 40yrs ago guess what still the same naughty but loveablexxxxx
A litmus test? Yea, there are a few strategies. I've been to a bunch of vanilla parties, and walked away with ladies that like to be naughty.
If you were to meet me at a vanilla party, I'm looking for the same thing, but we're both being guarded. So from my viewpoint, here are the hints to drop to me. First, the guy has to be an ass man. If you catch a guy looking at your butt, that is the first sign. Second, flirt with these guys a bit. Act as if you are insecure about your butt's sexyness. Guys that compliment it is a bit of confirmation. Next, if you think he is someone worth the effort, talk about the other girls in the room a bit, and their ass's. Then make a off the wall comment "Yea, I'd bet you'd spank that...", and watch his reaction. If positive, then move on to the next step, if not, move to the next guy. The next step is to be a bit forward with him. Now I am assuming you are willing to have sex with him at some point. Ask him some pointed questions about the bedroom. Ask him about his fantasies. At some point, he will loosen up. At that point, just ask him point blank if he ever fantasizes about spanking. And if so, if he was game to do it with you.
For me it was a bit different. I was a late bloomer and hadn’t really dated much. I did not reveal my desire to spank my girlfriend and she had not shown any desire to be spanked. One winter evening we were watching TV on the couch when she did something that I found unusual. She dove across my lap and stayed there presenting a very inviting target. I took the bait and gave her a very light spanking. As our relationship grew I found that she was really into it and it wasn’t long before I had her bare bottom over my lap with me applying a hairbrush until she was crying like a little girl. We finished with. ..well, I guess you know what. Neither of us knew the other was into spanking until that fateful winter evening.
I'm afraid I have no experience in this area. Maybe find out if he's a bottom or boobs man. If he's a bottom man possibly drop a few hints.
Love,
Ronnie
xx
When I was newly single about a year ago, I thought I would look to date someone from a spanking website like Spankfinder or Spanko, but the reality of dating someone who was "really" into it intimidated me. I did meet one guy who totally creeped me out and probably was lying about his age. Then, I met only one other guy who I had chatted with when I was still in a relationship, and he was really a bottom, which isn't my thing. I met with him because I thought he was an interesting person. I just wasn't interested in any other online spankos in my area. So, I tried a different approach and met several men through vanilla sites. I vowed to bring up spanking early in the dating process, and I did, usually by telling them that I had written erotica about spanking or just telling him that I liked spanking. As luck would have it, the ones who interested me were not very interested in spanking. One flatly refused as his mother had been abused, I think, and he said he would never hit a woman. (It's not abuse! I agreed to it and I want it!!) The one I am with now likes playing with my bottom, but only spanks when I ask or hint very strongly. I recently bought a wood paddle and a short cane, and he only tried the paddle out once, on the day it came in. In the meantime, I see it in the closet and, dream of it daily, and wonder if I could take a beginner or intermediate play or punishment spanking consisting of 12 or so with that paddle after just 4 felt very intense. It hurt!! Would I really like that??
I'm hoping that sending him links to websites like this and to instructions on "How to Spank Your Wife or Girlfriend" will eventually convince him to make this a part of our life. After a long time with no conflict, we have recently had some small disagreements, and he does joke about having to settle something "in the bedroom" or "with that paddle", so it does look more promising lately!!
As for comments to make upon meeting someone of unkown interest, I guess asking if he is a "bottom man" is probably the best approach. The questioin is, wouldl this be a first meeting question or a 3rd date question, or somewhere in betweeen? I think it is a 3rd date topic. You'll just have to wait till then to find out. And you''ll have to decide whether he can be developed into a spanker if he only shows mild interest. If he says, "No way", you'll just have to move on to someone else or decide to live without spanking. I can tolerate having only a little spanking or having to ask for a spanking, but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who won't do it at all.
I'm not sure that I would describe it as a mistake to look for a partner in the vanilla world but I am finding it hard to see why.
I may be suffering from "The other sub's grass is always greener" syndrome here but I have always gotten the impression that it is not hard for a lass to seek out male Tops from within the kinky community. The hard part being finding the one that you really click with.
Or is it that I have the wrong impression and that eligible male Tops/Doms are harder for a lass to find than I thought?
Prefectdt
I absolutely second Adele's statement. In my opinion, open and honest communication is the key. I met my mate Ludwig through his kinky blog (and I would most probably look around in the kinky community if I had to find a mate again), so I have no idea how good the chances are to meet a fellow spanko in a vanilla environment.
But I think the only way to find out whether someone is into spanking is by asking. Maybe not directly at the first date. I guess there are other ways of finding out whether a man is generally open-minded or not. But when you come to the conclusion that he could indeed be Mr Right, the best thing to do in my opinion is to honestly tell him about your fantasies. I don't think it is necessary to talk about every detail right away, though. The picture of you being taken over his knee for a playful spanking might be enough for a starter. Then you can see how he reacts and take it from there.
I wish you all the best for your journey!
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