Monday, February 07, 2011

Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Feb 6

Our topic of the week was sharing your secret with a close but presumably vanilla friend. Here are your reactions.

Michael: No, I have never shared my spanko-ness with a vanilla, but I have on occasion when I was younger mentioned to a few mostly male friends in the course of "locker room" talk that I like smacking the butt of a woman. I have long stopped doing this as it minimized the depth and emotion of what spanking really means to us.

Make Mine Red: No, I have not. It is something shared only between the hubby and me (and y'all on here). :D

Indy: I've pretty much told all of my good friends, and even my dad. I probably wouldn't have done so if I'd explored spanking only within the confines of a romantic relationship, especially not if that relationship had been previously established. I might have shared internet insights with a close friend or two, but certainly not family!

As it turned out, my exploration of this interest has involved a lot of travel and new friendships. It was just too exciting not to share with my best friends! I told friends I might not otherwise have told as I wanted someone in my home town to know where I was just in case. With time, I grew tired of lying to my parents about where I was and what I was doing, so I told my dad. I think he's told my mom, as she uncharacteristically asked no questions about the friends I was visiting in England.

Friends' reactions have ranged from shocked but intrigued to downright encouraging. Most don't want to hear any details, though they are interested in the friends I've made. In general, they're glad I'm finally paying attention to this part of my life. One is mildly disapproving of the scene, but that hasn't really changed my relationship with her at all.

If you're a bottom, I would recommend emphasizing safety when you talk to vanillas about your interest, especially if your spanking exploration involves meeting people with whom you've connected only over the internet. I was very careful about that with my dad, but less so with friends. I just didn't think about it then. I didn't realize until some time later that they were concerned, or in the case of one friend, would have been had she not been a regular listener of Dan Savage's podcasts. I think explaining scene safety protocols reassured them.

Xantu: A few close friends and family know that we are in a Master/slave relationship.

I don't talk so much about liking being spanked (and all the other fun things) as being obedient to my husband. That topic only came up when a good friend questioned my "feminism" after I made frequent references to my husband letting me do things.

I explained it terms of finding the correct balance that kept us together and happy. I also said that everybody who has been together for long takes the wishes of their partner into consideration before making big decisions.

I don't talk about the sex part much though, not with friends and family. That wouldn't feel right. That would be TMI.

Michelle Carlyle: The only time I've "come out" to my friends was normally at a party after imbibing half the bar. Usually, there is a pause in the conversation. Then I go, "I write romantic spanking fiction." Every time, the room goes quiet. One by one, people turn to me with "that look." It's like I've just announced that I sleep with squirrels. Or got abducted by aliens the night before. After this long awkward pause, someone clears their throat. Then they pretend I didn't say anything. After one such announcement, my sister-in-law spent the rest of the evening, staring into space and saying, "Romantic spanking fiction." Only once has a friend come up afterward and whispered in my ear, "I like spanking, too." So I don't say anything anymore.

Thank GOD, I have a huge group of romance writer lady friends who see no shame in writing spanking fiction and they all know. But I think they can distance themselves in their heads from what this means: that I loooooove being spanked and think about spanking constantly. We don't talk about that part. They just want to know about my sales.

But as far as "coming out" anymore? I just don't do it. Maybe once in a while, but I hate the long, awkward pauses and the way they look at me. Forget it. I don't need people's validation or permission or approval. I'm totally cool with my spanky life.

But I really don't think anything any one of us is doing is weird. When you consider how many couples live, not speaking, not having sex, completely living in their own separate worlds, our relationships are WAY closer and far more intimate. And I think healthier. Yay Spankos!

Jay: Yes. I had a disagreement with a co-worker. I mentioned that she should be spanked. I smiled, and she started laughing. The disagreement was forgotten.

A couple days later, she came to me and asked if I would really do that. Boldly smiling, I said, yes, of course.

She said she would think about it, smiling. A day or so later, she said okay, let's do it. But no sex. Of course not, I said.

So, we had spanking session for two, where I made her confess to real mistakes, naughty things she had done. It was very cool.

It was positive response. Out of the blue. It was a secret just between us, as far as I know.

Six of the Best: An open discussion between a spanko and vanilla friends is mostly taboo. I regret to say that most of the world is much too puritanical.

Texringer: I'd be afraid of just the reaction Michelle got were I to tell anyone I know. However, I'm supposed to be starting an improv class soon. This will entail meeting a new group of total strangers. It's possible I'll try out telling them if a likely moment comes up. But my family and folks I know now, I don't think so.

Audra: A few of my close vanilla friends have their suspicions. They just blow it off and say, "she's into that submission thing..." LOL

A vanilla friend told me last week that if I kept up with my Starbucks addiction, my hubby would beat my ass and she wasn't going to stop him! Little does she know that he already beats my ass! Hee hee

My sister knows the most, but not even she knows the whole truth. She has officially just deemed me "crazy!" I think that is why I cherish my spanko friends so much! They are the few who know the absolute truth about me!

Emanuele Lombardi: Most of my life, I did not talk about my secret side. I was already an odd duck and did not need to add fuel to those fires. For the longest time, I felt that I was just wrong somehow, and thought that I would develop more traditional desires. My closest friends eventually pointed out to me that my hidden secret was not so secret to them. Only recently have I been expressing myself by blogging and I think that I have relieved a lot of pressure this way.

Em: All of my closest vanilla friends know at least a little. Some of them know more details that others. We all met when we were young and in that point of our lives where "experimenting" was normal.

An ex-coworker of mine once found out by accident. She was a bit freaked out at first, but we basically just pretended it never happened.

I think after you've known someone a while, you get an idea for what they'll be able to handle. I have some friends who clearly wouldn't be able to handle it, and I have no desire to force that information on them.

I don't feel the need to share this part of my life with many people outside of this community. I will say that it is nice knowing that my closest friends understand (as much as they can) and accept this part of me.

My family is also somewhat aware - although that did not go well at all. This is another case where we just pretend no one knows anything and we're all OK.

RosieBee: Thanks for using my question, Bonnie, and thanks to all who responded. The need to share waxes and wanes for me. Sometimes, I think being spanked makes me feel so wonderful that everyone must be into this and if they are not, they should be. However, considering that my husband is the only person I've ever told and it took me 38 years of life and 8 years of life with him to do even that, I think it will be a while before I find the courage to share with others. Anyway, there is something cool about having a little secret that is only between him and me (and all of you, of course). ;)

Anne: I think it might be okay with one or two of my vanilla friends for the most part. But I don't think I would say anything. I am already considered the "crazy" one.

I have one good friend who was in a D/s relationship before she met her husband. I asked her about it once and she was quite open about answering my questions. This helped me to open my mind to more possibilities. I am glad we discovered/started exploring spanking. I firmly believe it saved us, because we were on a real downhill spiral before we found this.

Stormy: When we started our DD lifestyle, I told my closest friend. She was very upset, and I probably should not have told her. We agreed not to talk about it. I sometimes wish I had not told her, but you cannot unring that bell.

Dr. Ken: Nope, no one knows, and I'm not likely to tell anyone either. It would just seem too weird, and I'm not sure how well I'd handle any negative reactions. The only people who know are my friends within the spanking community and the ladies with whom I'm lucky enough to play. That's plenty, right there.

W: I have a friend who is much more than just a friend. She is like a sister, but even closer than that. We have been best friends for over twenty years and when I started my exploration in the life style. I did end up telling her.

Of course, she isn't wired that way so it was hard for her to grasp and understand. But mostly, she was concerned for my safety and afraid that I might hook up with someone who would hurt me. Bless her beautiful soul. I love her to bits.

After a while and a lot of talking, she came to understand my needs and desires. I was going to be very careful. I also had protection from a Dom friend and that made me feel even safer. It was a difficult decision to make, but I am really glad I did tell her.

If I could just find a Dom who loves to spank, but doesn't want a slave, that would be great. I am a submissive person by nature and I love to be spanked. If I go too long without one, it shows. I just look for some reason to be spanked. I am a novice and need to learn more, but at the same time, I want to have fun and be happy.

Daisy: The short answer is NO!
The long answer is OH MY GOSH, NO WAY!

Poppy: I have shared this interest with a couple of friends. But like anything that involves sexuality, I have not gone into the nitty gritty.

One friend I felt shared my interest, but she is the most vanilla friend I have in terms of everything in life, not just spanking. So I took the risk. We talked, but much more about the emotional implications rather than anything else. She was curious, but it is not for her. My other friends that know (there are three others) and just see it as a part of my thing. But, I cannot emphasise this enough, there are no icky details. They would not get it, nor should they. No one needs to imagine anyone else's bottom ever (Unless they like that sort of thing).

Hermione: As a child, I had no inhibitions about playing "school" or "house" with friends and cousins. That always involved spanking dolls, teddies, or each other. Everyone seemed to enjoy it and think it was normal. But I would not share my spanking interest with anyone else now. It's part of my intimate relationship with my husband, and nobody else's business.

From time to time, I have shared vanilla details about being submissive, and that usually results in looks of pity or amazement from my audience. There is no way they would understand about spanking.

My advice to someone contemplating spilling the beans about their spanking interest is that once something has been said, it can never be unsaid. Think twice, then think again before you speak.

Just a Girl: The most that any of my closest friends know is that I like "kinky" things. They all seem to assume this means handcuffs or role playing something like a scene out of an amateurish, seventies bondage porn video.

Needless to say, other than occasionally admitting that things like plastic wrap can turn me on, I don't elaborate.

PK: I shared with my sister and my closest vanilla friend. Both thought it was amusing and I realized that they didn't really have any understanding of the real appeal. They think it's a bit of slap and tickle foreplay. And that's fine. Not being spankos themselves, they will never really understand that part.

Prefectdt: Yes I have, with several vanilla friends actually. But not once have I been taken seriously. Apparently I am just "Not the type."

Ronnie: As much as I'd love to share TTWD with my vanilla friends, I know them too well. They'd be shocked and feel uncomfortable. There is no way they would understand.

I would say think hard, think very hard, before sharing.

Curtis: It's complicated. When I was a child, I openly played spanking games with friends and often talked about spankings with them. Then for a long time, I didn't tell anybody but by actions converted a number of previously vanilla women into spanking. More recently (five years ago), I needed to explain to a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a marriage counselor and my two longest standing friends why I had this four-year affair built, in part, on spanking and why that was leading me to divorce my wife (not only because of conflict over spanking -- although that is a long and sad story). I'm not presently open about my proclivities, but I wouldn't be embarrassed if someone found out. Probably many already know because the world is on the Internet.

Pink: I have hinted with one friend and outright told another (sort of by accident as I thought she was confessing to it as well... and vodka was involved). She now jokes about it when we are alone... and it's all good. I knew she was one of my best friends for a reason!

My female friends are strong feminists, as am I. I am able to see how feminism and spanking can coexist, and I'd like to give them the credit for seeing it, too. But I just don't have the desire to have my psychology picked apart over drinks. So I avoid the topic as much as possible even though I know that they would understand eventually and even embrace me for being true.

When I was single, they would often set me up with their male friends. My main qualifying question to them was, "Is he a take-charge kind of guy?", which, as we know, is thin code for, "Will he spank me silly?" Sadly, none of the prospects were.

Mark: I did tell my close friend, a day after he asked me to have a drink after work. I had to turn him down, saying, "Sorry, I am tied up tonight." Which was the plan of record for the evening, really, over a spanking bench. :-) I thought it so funny that I opened up the next day and told him my secret. His reaction? "Wow, that's neat, an extra dimension, eh? - I always like patting a girl's bottom..."

We discussed a few details of the mind and also how you meet friends, and that was all. Today, we find double entendres together and make the occasional comment on this and that, but don't talk about it, as I am pretty sure he is not into it.

I suspected, and now I am convinced, that it is a good idea to keep it to yourself and people you intend to marry or otherwise enter into a relationship with.

Raven Red: One of my closest friends knows, and I was actually amazed by her reactions. She has become an avid reader of my blog (which, by the way, was my way with some conversations, to come clean).

Although it is not her thing, she only has been supportive. If anything, it somehow deepened the friendship as a huge element of "extra" trust has been added.

Having said that, I do believe that there is quite a bit of risk involved when confiding in close friends. Their reactions (and your continued acceptance) mostly rely upon their own value systems.

My advice is to be very careful in deciding when to confide, to who you want to confide, and to know your reasons for wanting to do so.

She: I don't think I have a friend that doesn't know in some way. Some have been more exposed than others, but they all know at least a little. Usually, it comes out when we're talking about marriage, or something along those lines.

I'm not afraid of what people will think about it, because every single person I've told has shown some sort of interest. Some have even gone on to start using it in their own lives.

Bonnie: Randy and I have been carefully hiding this secret of ours for so long that I can barely imagine doing otherwise.

At a different level, though, Randy is not above launching a spanko wise crack or giving me a quick swat in mixed company. He wants to see if he can spread the blush to both ends. But most witnesses (and believe me, there are witnesses) seem to think it's just silliness.

There have been a number of people over the years who I'm fairly certain overheard our shenanigans, but they had the good taste not to mention it.

Thanks, everyone, for joining our Super Bowl Sunday brunch!


Respecting Mistress said...

What a great discussion. Shame I missed it. It's something of a pity the majority of us don't feel we can talk openly about this, except on blogs and forums....It's disappointing people have such straight-laced opinions about anything that it slighlty out of the norm. But that's their problem. I don't mind making suggestive jokey oomments about my liking for boots and whips - and maybe people have their suspicions about my interests - but I'd never openly admit I'm in an flr. But neither would I ever discuss my sex life with anyone....I often wonder if any of the kids I used to hang around with remember my enthusiasm for playing games that involved spanking!

Anonymous said...

WOW! What a great question and detailed responses. This is one of the best topics ever.

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