Our question is one that occurred to me last week as my dear husband, Randy, was setting my seat afire with a wicked wooden brush. Upon his arrival at home, he announced his intention to spank me. He didn't offer a reason and in our relationship, he doesn't necessarily need one. I was not particularly in the mood and I told him so. He wanted to spank me anyway. I could have stopped the proceedings, but chose to go along. I reluctantly uncovered my target and positioned myself across his lap.
The spanking was one of the longest and hardest in recent memory. It was really painful for me and my bottom remained sore for quite a while afterward. I even considered invoking my safeword at one point. However, I felt a lot better once it was over. In retrospect, I would take this spanking again in a similar situation. But at the time, the choice was not so clear.
Where do you and your partner draw the line in terms of consent? Is consent redefined on an ongoing basis, granted once per session, or do you employ some sort of blanket consent? Is consent understood until/unless it is revoked?
To join in our weekend conversation, just enter your answer in the form of a comment below. Once everyone has spoken, I will post an edited summary.
27 comments :
I don't say no until the gag is removed.
Just kidding.
My consent is an understood thing -- D can spank me at any time, with or without reason. And the only way for me to stop it is with my safeword (which I have used exactly twice because of a back injury). I like that he has the freedom and authority to basically do what he likes. And I cherish the fact that I trust him with this power.
A naughty woman's bare bottom should be available 24 hours a day, for a good spanking. So when a husband, or boyfriend is in the mood to give his better half, namely a wife, or girlfriend, it should be dress up, panties down, on demand, and a good walloping on her voluptous bare bottom should follow.
My Sir and I were just discussing this yesterday. It's important to me to be available to him whenever he likes. Because we have so thoroughly discussed parameters, I feel utterly safe in granting consent for him to do with me as he pleases.
I think it depends on the situation. If I am trying to get out of a punishment, then no...because that's the purpose of dd....to be held accountable to your husband. If the spanking is for fun/play, then I pretty much always make myself available to my husband. But there are times when your partner needs to be able to read your body language and assess how you feel. It's all about trust and trusting your partner knows what you need and not just what they need all the time. I don't have a safe word because I haven't needed one yet. My husband knows me well.
I'm in a slightly different position right now. I am the one that brought the idea of spanking into our marriage. Obviously that's consent but lately I haven't had any desire to be spanked at all and it's been pretty easy to tell. When we play I get a little spanking and I would never say no but he doesn't push it.
We have one thing in our lives where spanking is used for discipline. That's only been reinstated recently and it hasn't been necessary yet. When/if it is he really does have my consent (if not my wholehearted enthusiasm) to spank as he sees fit.
PK
I as others have said here already,My Sir can and may spank me at ALL times and ANYWHERE,that he sees fit. In the two years we have been together I have only used my safeword twice. The trust is there on both sides,and that is what is so important in TTWD. A quick swat or two in public HAS happened and will happen again,because I am one of those gals just can't keep my mouth SHUT! ;) Not even to save my butt!
Same here...consent is implied. He owns all of me....so it is his whenever He desires it. In almost 8 years have not used my safe word, but if a get a cramp of start feeling n umb when tied, i say so, and He stops....to readjust.
abby
We pretty much have a blanket consent too. It would take some extreme circumstances for me to turn down a spanking! Have never needed a safeword either, he backs off if I so much as say "ow". Sometimes I wish he wouldn't :)
Make Mine Red
Sometimes I ask for spankings, sometimes I want spankings, sometimes Paul wants to spank me. There's something rather thrilling for me about being spanked when I don't actually want to play -- an edgy realism plus I like that it's not all about what I want.
I always say which I'm feeling, especially if I don't think I want to be spanked. I think he enjoys doing it more under those circumstances.
We do have a safeword (which is "safeword") but I wouldn't use it because I didn't want to be spanked, unless something felt really wrong.
I, too, was the one who brought spanking to our relationship. I believe that when I asked, I was giving a permanent blanket consent. JJ is reasonable, so if there is a legitimate physical reason, he would take that into consideration. Since I have always believed I should give my body for his pleasure, I don't believe that the reason for the spanking is necessarily a consideration. I trust JJ to give me fun, therapeutic, or punishment spankings as he sees fit. I love authority he has over me, and he is always careful to never "hurt" me.
Kady
Really great question this week Bonnie :)
We had blanket consent in our relationship. I didn't even have safeword, which is not something I would ever do again. In theory, Jack could spank me whenever and for whatever reason he wanted. However, since we didn't live together, if I ever *really* wasn't in the mood, all I had to do was not make plans with him. When we were together, however he made the decisions about when and how I was spanked.
Like some of the others have said, I kind of like the feeling of not quite wanting it - knowing it really was for his pleasure and not mine. And I imagine there were times he spanked me although he wasn't in the mood, so turnabout is fair play :)
I don't have a current partner, but I'm tossing my vote in for the "ever evolving, constantly changing" notion. :)
Davey spanks me when he decides, but, unless it is a fun/erotic spanking, he warns me first and if I don't heed the warning, he spanks me. So, it is my choice...if I am not in the mood to be spanked, I have to behave!!!
I have a safeword, but have rarely used it. Thats the point of a safeword, right? I do not cry wolf...it would belittle ttwd. I actually don't need a safeword, Davey reads me well. But we both agreed it was important, since ttwd is consensual, that there must be one, and it will be honoured AT ALL TIMES.
This means I have the freedom to protest and yell and threaten and generally play up to hell during a spanking, knowing full well he will never stop because I am yelling, crying, begging, wailing, or demanding he stop.... because under it all, we both know he will stop the instant I utter that ONE word....
In the early days, if I cried, or yelled "owwww" loud enough, he stopped, worried he was overstepping boundaries. Now he knows he is not abusing my trust. There is no confusion. I can plead, beg, whatever...and he carries right on.... lol. xxxxxx
Ron has blanket consent to do whatever he thinks is necessary, different or fun, depending on his mood. He knows I am always an eager and willing participant, and an advocate of more, not less. If I ever did happen to think he had overstepped some boundary I would speak up.
We have never had a safeword, and didn't know they existed until I started reading blogs. I think Ron would be hurt and offended if I suggested having one. He is very careful not to give me more than he knows I can take.
There are times when I am not particularly in the mood for a spanking, but I always end up enjoying it and feeling very happy and contended afterwards.
Interesting question as always Bonnie (long time lurker here).
I think I am going with "redefined on an ongoing basis."
Ours is a 25 year mixed marriage - with me kinky and her playfully vanilla. The pendulum has swung back and forth between vanilla and D/s (with her being submissive). The current moment is a little more vanilla - kink play is fairly infrequent, scheduled in advance and negotiated.
If one of us is "not in the mood", we just say so and that ends it. Usually the one not in the mood suggests an alternative time.
Uncle Nick decides whether I am to be spanked or not. I might have an input in providing reasons for whatever I am in trouble for, but the ultimate decision lies with him whether he will spank or not.
He has on more than occassion, after listening to what I had to say, declined to spank. In addition, he will not spank me whilst being ill or injured.
Having said that, he has also spanked me without any valid reason - well, I haste to say, that is in my opinion. ;-)
Although I have not verbalised consent, my consent is implied, for I willingly entered into the relationship, full knowing the dynamics.
Raven
My consent is a given and total. It has to be like that because otherwise he would say, "May I spank you?" and I would say, "No." and we would both feel rubbish. For me it is not giving consent that is part of the dynamic. I don't fight him or anything. I just have to be told (in a very firm way) before I will do anything. He would say there is always a reason, even if that reason is to make him or me feel better. As for severity, it is always just what is needed. If I am in a mood he may have to really go for it. We always feel soothed and better afterwards.
I love him, I trust him. He is charge of all of this sort of stuff and always will be.
For us it's still evolving. It started off just as play in the bedroom, and grew to being somewhat disciplinary at my request (limited to certain infractions that were significant to him or to me.)
I'm the one who brought spanking to our marriage, so if and when he wants to spank, I go along with it to encourage him. We do have a safeword but I've never had to use it. I can always take more than he dishes out. He is very careful-- even more than he needs to be.
If I refused, he would not push it. In fact, I did refuse once when I was annoyed at his inconsistency. The result was that he backed off discipline and limited himself to play spanking for months! I think this was worse for both of us; we were not as close during this time.
As we've recently recaptured the disciplinary dynamic with my encouragement, I won't refuse spankings any more. I can't expect him to read my mind or do it "perfectly"; we're both going to make mistakes. It's a learning process, and we're still learning.
I rarely if ever need or want consent... If I am not in the mood for a spanking I usually "get" in the mood pretty quickly. Last night was a good example... I have been suffering from chronic gall bladder problems (am scheduled for surgery come the new year) but because I have been off colour we haven't played in over 6 weeks. Last night we had a Xmas BDSM party to attend.. and I was nervous about playing. Sir went very slowly at first checking to make sure there was no unwanted pain... it didn't take me long to realize how damn good it felt !! So we had a nice long session...
IF however the spankings hadn't felt good.. I could have just asked for it to stop... I might have suggested something other than spankings.. bondage or knife play etc... I enjoy more than just spankings so sometimes when a spanking isn't working its magic.. we simply use something else..
In case I am not around in the next two weeks.. Happy Holidays to one and all :)
Great question, Bonnie! At the beginning of our relationship I gave Michael my blanket consent. He needs no reason and can spank me "just because" he wants to (and because he knows it's what I desire, too). Most of the time we are doing so for fun. I am also subject to punishment spankings and related punishments like corner time, which are rare. We do have a safeword in place but it is not for use just because a spanking hurts. Michael decides how much and in what manner I'm spanked.
I clicked on your "brush" post and loved it so much I added it to the "Favorites" tab on our blog. The dog-leg bath brush is my favorite implement, too!
My consent to being spanked is an ongoing process. In fact, normally, I have to ask. Which, again, I wish I didn't have to all the time. But if we were to take the next step, I would still want to say no if I really wasn't in the mood. I'm finding with this stage of my life, pain is more intense and my hormone fluctuations are wonky. If he spanked me at the wrong time...that would not end well for him. I still think communication is the key to making sure both parties are on the same page all the time.
Excellent question.
Here is how it goes over here: for my part, it's blanket consent. This brings interesting situations at times, much as you describe in your preamble to the question today - when I am not in the mood to receive, not really, but I submit, and this is when it seems to hurt the most and last the longest, but everything is happy in the end. (This sounds like "real" spanking, no?) Sometimes though I have to ask for it, and it always comes.
For my partner (we switch), whether she will accept the spanking depends on the moment and mood, and I do not press when I hear "no" - often times I hear back something along the lines of "but I will spank you instead," and that is fine, I am easy that way since our spanking life is about intense spice and not DD or punishment.
I trust P completely and he has blanket consent to spank me whenever he thinks it's necessary. No reason needed.
We do have a safeword which I've only ever used once.
Love,
Ronnie
xx
I live with a severe masochist. With spanking, my hand / arm / entire being gives out long before he does. It's the dominant that safewords with us not the sub *grin*
Personally I think i have experienced that having limits is best when one is "playing" with someone and not in a lifestyle relationship. However, when one is in a lifestyle relationship then more often than not, there are not much limits. Though end of the day, for a spankee/slave/bottom to submit unconditionally, there must be a certain amount of trust......
i think trust is essential and consent was given in the beginning. and hasn't been revoked. i have a safeword that i have used twice. and one time i felt badly afterwards for using it. so we resumed the next day.
Anne
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