Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for Sept 12

Our topic this week was differing levels of interest in This Thing We Do. Here are your thoughts and ideas.

Florida Dom: This seems to be a common complaint from spanko wives married to husbands who either aren't interested in spanking them or don't spank as often or as hard as they would like.

And I can understand that some husbands may not get anything out of spanking. But I just wish they would think of it in the terms of something that is going to make their wives very happy. Or as something they are doing for their wives that will make their relationship better. And how hard is spanking anyway? And if it arouses her, isn't that what husbands want?

Maybe the wives can strike a bargain. If the husbands will spank them, they won't ask them to go to a chick flick with them or will go with them to some stupid action film. LOL.

I would like to hear some comments from husbands who don't like spanking.

And Bonnie, how fortunate that you don't appear to have this problem because you seem to get all the spankings you want.

Yes, I am fortunate. Whatever problems I may experience, a husband who is reluctant to spank is definitely not among them!

PK: I obviously have NO answer for you or I would have solved this problem long ago! I'll be back to see if anyone else can help those of us with this problem because I can tell you it is VERY frustrating!

Sara: Talk, and talk, and talk again. Communicate about what and how and why. Temper that with a whole lot of listening, and sincere respect for where your partner is coming from, and then add a huge portion of patience into the mix!

I think it is akin to a significant gap in interest in sex. It is a very personal part of us and comes with strong feelings, and takes work and sensitivity and lots of caring to work around and have both parties feel understood and attended to.

I think FD makes a very good point: If you know this is something your wife really wants, why would you not do your best to keep her happy? How much should you give in marriage and what will the payback for that be? Most marriages would yield tremendous return for the investment, and I think that needs to be seriously considered too.

Hermione: That's a good question, and Florida Dom gave some excellent advice.

I think one of the difficulties lies in the dominant partner not wanting to relinquish control to the submissive partner, assuming it's the latter who wants to receive more or harder spankings. In our situation, spanking was a pleasant form of foreplay, and always at my husband's instigation. When I decided I wanted longer, harder and more frequent spankings, it wasn't easy to communicate this. At first, it was just very difficult to talk about TTWD. We had rarely discussed it before, or even joked about it.

Once it became easier to speak about the subject, I made my wishes known, with the assurance that it wasn't intended to be sex on demand, but simply spanking for its own sake. Once Ron realized that he was still in control of the sexual aspect, everything fell into place. I am now getting what I need, my husband understands what it is that I want, and he has taken charge of fun spankings as well.

One thing I would not try to demand is spanking as discipline or punishment. That just doesn't work for Ron, and he wants no part of it. But that's okay with me, because my bottom gets plenty of attention for other reasons.

Daisy: If a couple truly loves each other, isn't a main part of that loving to give, unselfishly, and to want to make their partner happy? When two people find that their dreams are their partner's nightmares, then compromise has to be the dish of the day!

Davey and I discovered we BOTH loved to BE massaged, the whole body massage thing (not sexual). So we compromised. He gave me a lovely massage, then I gave him one. But this arrangement wasn't so good because as soon as I was relaxed from my lovely massage, I had to get up to give Davey one! So, we talked, and it was agreed to take alternate days. LOL. SO, GOOD COMMUNICATION is the key, along with a common goal.

Susan: Surely this is all about having an understanding and a solid relationship with your other half. If I need a spanking, I don't just bend over and say “Spank it'” I drop subtle hints, or pretend to have committed a misdeed, and the message seems to get through because D is always only too happy to spank me.

From his angle, if he wants to spank me, my bottom is always available for him, even when it is a bit tender from a recent bout. As regards severity, I like to get spanked a bit harder than I really bargained for, plus a few extra good whacks which take me over the top. Being restrained also helps, for I know that my upturned bottom is entirely at D's mercy, until he decides to release me. I trust him absolutely not to spank me more than I can tolerate or cause any lasting harm. D knows me so well that he can ignore my yells and pleas, which I am ( not always) putting on for his benefit.

If all else fails, perhaps Kathleen should get herself a Robo Spanker!

Anne: One time, I dressed in a particularly “spank-me” fashion, phoned him and told him he would find me in the bedroom when he got home. I also set out a selection of belts and a brush. He found me bent over the bed wearing short shorts, top fluffy boots and a corset. He laughed and said he didn't know whether to spank me, take me or just take care of himself while enjoying the view. The belts were a big hint and we had fun.

I also talk, not usually at the time, but the next day to indicate my level of enjoyment and severity. I find that Fisher is actually likely to go harder than I bargained for because he reads these blogs. I am a tender tush compared to you ladies. Still, it's not too much and we have a lot of fun making up.

Anon #1: I am currently having this problem too. I want my fiance to spank me harder and more often, but it just hasn't happened yet. We talked about it about a month or so ago. Since then, he has taken opportunities to randomly spank me for things like slapping his ass during sex or just as I walk by. But I am trying to get him to spank me with something other than his hand. Our wedding is this weekend, so I am really hoping for a spanking on our wedding night. Any ideas on how to make that happen?

Best wishes to both of you!

I think experimenting with spanking is wonderful fun and I highly recommend it. But probably not on your wedding night. You will want this evening to become a special memory and that means trying to make everything as positive as it can be. If he's not comfortable or your first experiment doesn't work well, that's the memory you will carry forward. I'd be inclined to save that first real spanking for later in the honeymoon.

Bill: It seems to me that it's easier if you're the one wanting the spanking. In my case, as a spanker, it seems like a lot to ask for someone to let me do something that involves physical pain, especially if they're not turned on by it and it just hurts.

I can still have fun even with less severity, but it's a compromise, and one I would expect to have to make with a non-spanko partner.

P.S. First comment, been lurking awhile.

Welcome, Bill! I'm sure that's true.

Anon #2: I am in a long term, totally committed marriage. There is no option for any activity of this sort outside of the marriage. I try to keep the topic open, but not be too insistent. The end result is paddlings that are sometimes begrudging and sometimes good-humored. I have to be content with this for the sake of our overall relationship. I really appreciate your blog and the help it gives me.

I'm pleased to be of assistance.

Bonnie: I think there are a lot of great suggestions here. I wrote two tutorials that might be helpful for Kathleen and others in her situation: Your First Spanking and Talking with your Partner.

I think the keys are to listen as well as talk, be open-minded, stay patient, and focus on activities that are enjoyable for both partners.

Kathleen, I wish you all the spankings you desire, plus that occasional one that exceeds even your expectations. To everyone else, I thank you for your thoughtful suggestions.