Hi everybody and welcome back! It's time again for our weekly discussion.
Our topic was originally submitted by an MBS reader as an Ask Bonnie query. But I decided it was too good a question to keep for myself. Here we go...
"How do you get back into spanking after a big life change and a change in desire that goes along with it?
I recently had a baby and during my pregnancy I totally wanted to be spanked all of the time. Now I don't want to be spanked or do anything that goes along with it. My husband and I are bickering and that leads to a lack of sexual desire for me. The idea of asking for a spanking just seems weird when we're not getting along.
On the other hand, I believe that getting back into spanking would be good for our relationship. Spankings have a way of relieving my stress, and his too I believe. It also creates a more respectful and playful household which we are so lacking right now.
So, how do I force myself to get back into it when there isn't much desire at present? And if I leave it alone, will it just go away? Will spanking never be a part of our lives again? In other words, do I have to do something to rekindle, and if yes, have you any suggestions?"
There you have it, right from the source. How can we help our friend? What guidance would you offer?
Please leave your response in the form of a comment below. Once everyone has had a chance to answer, I will post an edited summary of our discussion.
10 comments :
We've had times where spankings were an everyday part of our lives... and other times when it's been several weeks. We do tend to talk about spanking quite a bit though, even during those dry spells. That seems to be the number one thing we do to keep the interest going. Beyond that though, we do things like get new implements, watch videos, talk with like-minded friends, blog, read stories, go to parties... basically keep spanking at least in the background.
If you're thinking and talking about it... as a couple... actual spankings will flow naturally. While doing things like planning out free time certainly helps, spanking doesn't seem like the sort of thing that can be forced. As for whether or not it will go away if you leave it alone... that depends on the person. We've seen people walk away from spanking and seemingly not miss it... while others couldn't give it up, even when they very much wanted too.
~Todd and Suzy
Earlier this year, a rather horrific tragedy occurred in my family that certainly curtailed my desire for quite a while. I continued to play a little with my regular partners, mostly just for the reassurance of human touch rather than because I really wanted to be spanked. I even attended a couple parties in that time, mainly to see friends who I knew were concerned about me.
In that time, I didn't try anything new or push limits very much-- I just enjoyed the endorphin rush and the stress relief. A couple months later, I found myself REALLY wanting a spanking in a way that I hadn't in a quite a while. So I think keeping my bottom in it with not particularly challenging spanking play, filled with chatting and laughter, helped a lot.
You re-kindle your activity in this form of intimacy just as you do in any other form of intimacy. What works for you there should be tried here. Sometimes just going out for a night on the town, with no intimacy or its pressures sets a close feeling between a couple. From there, the next day when you both are warm and fuzzy inside, its ok to sit over coffee or tea and talk about what is and is not happening in your lives, for what ever reason these days. Good luck. Keep the lines of communication open. Life throws you its barriers. Its up to you and your partner to climb over, dig under or run around them.
I think there needs to be a sense of easing back into spanking for it to work again. If you just bend over your husband’s lap and he starts whacking away, the pressure of thinking “I used to like this! Why aren’t I liking this now?” will prevent you from fully enjoying the experience. Instead of being a stress reliever, it’s just piling on more. Somehow, it seems like you need to relax before you start spanking. Something like an intimate massage with a couple of smacks thrown in might help, or a warm bath together beforehand. Anonymous’s idea about the night on the town was an awesome one—anything out of the ordinary and romantic would be wonderful.
Also, for what it’s worth, having a new baby in the house can’t exactly be helping the stress levels. Getting a close friend or family member to babysit, even if it’s just for a couple hours while you and your husband reconnect without interruptions might do wonders if you think it’s possible to arrange. In any case, I think the fact that you wish spanking was present in your life means that the desire is just dormant, not gone forever. Good luck, and best of wishes to you, your husband, and the new baby!
Dear friend,
You recently had a baby.
Do whatever you can to be kind to yourself and to your husband. You both need every kindness you can get. A new baby is a wonderful blessing, but also a tremendous undertaking.
When I was nursing a tiny baby I barely wanted to be touched by anybody else. All of my touch needs were met by the baby. I pushed my husband away.
When I was ready, as it sounds like you are, since you are asking the question, I made a choice to put the baby in the swing or the play pen more often. We got out of the house with her in her stroller or car seat a bit more. Basically I just made sure I wasn't saturated with touch when my husband came home. In short order we were touching each other again.
You'll be fine. Just be kind to yourself.
Maryann
Lots of good comments here today. I'm with Maryann. When I had my babies, I discovered that I didn't want to be bothered, either. There was a sense of needing to find "places" for everybody in the household again. My (then) husband was jealous of the time I spent with the baby, and I was angry about that. So take your time, let everyone settle into their place in the home, as anonymous said, get alone together for some private time. Go with any intimate touch, and reassure your husband that you haven't gone off spanking permanently. It'll probably come back to you. I find that my own spanking desire comes in waves or cycles. When I was pregnant the first time was when I "came out" to my first husband (who was vanilla, and was horrified when I asked him to spank me." But after the baby came, I couldn't have been bothered! Life changes do affect your spanking desires. Best wishes and congrats on the new baby!!
The best piece of advice that I can give is don't take advice from people like me, who can only theorize about your situation. The best advice will be coming from the people who have faced your situation and can say from experience what worked and what did not.
The only experience that I have that may be of use to you concerns people outside of your relationship. I once tried to give up the lifestyle, for about three years, in doing this I burnt a lot of bridges and upset some people by totally cutting off from them, this was a mistake. It would be only natural that you may need to get away from kinky friends and groups right now but it it is probably better to do it with tact, so that you know that they will be there, if you want them to be, later.
Prefectdt
As someone with no experience in the arena (I have no children, nor am I married) I have no advice other than the basic communicate well and often. I'm thinking good thoughts for you and your family, though.
Interest in spanking can ebb and flow, depending on what life throughs at you. At some point, it usually does come back--you just have to ride it out and give it time.
You can't "force" it, though--forcing it just might turn your play partner off and make playing with you the last thing they want to do.
You both need to work your way through this new situation and get used to a new routine--eventually you can find your way back to some of your old beloved routines.
Dr. Ken
As one who has never had a baby, I would be the last one to be able to offer an empathetic response. However, you and I have one thing in common: we can both put our feelings into the written word (in my case, better than the spoken word!) I would suggest that you write down your feelings/desires and leave the paper in a place where he will see it. Reading that will give him insight, and a man with insight is truly a beautiful creature!
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