The time has come again for our weekly spanko gathering. Our purpose is to share, listen, learn, and laugh. All adults with an interest in consensual adult spanking are welcome, regardless of their experience level.
Each week, we take on a new question or topic and each participant offers their perspectives in the form of comments. Once everyone has had an opportunity to respond, I post an edited summary of our conversation.
Today's topic is actually a retread. I asked a similar question at the MBS Spanko Brunch #12 on April 9, 2006. The past two and half years have seen almost a complete turnover in brunch participants and those who remain probably have some additional suggestions. I chose to revisit this question because it's one that I am frequently asked.
What advice would you offer to a couple who are beginning to explore spanking in the context of an established committed relationship? What advice, if any, did you find beneficial when you were starting?
16 comments :
We view the key ingredient for a successful relationship, spanking or otherwise to be communications. As embarrassing as it might be, talk to one another about what you like, and don’t like. And keep talking all during the hopefully long lasting relationship.
(I know it's a repeat, but)The best advice luvbunny or I could give would be that communication is the biggest thing. Talk a LOT. Talk about what you each want, then talk about what happened and what worked or didn't. Talk to each other. And don't feel like you are alone - there are LOTS of us spankos out here. ^_^
We didn't have any advice to go one when we started. We really hadn't even done too much reading (books or blogs). We pretty much stumbled onto the fact that luvbunny likes to be spanked, and went with that.
Communication has to be the main thing. Not only at the start... but keep talking. What sounded good may well need to be adjusted. Would also say... be open minded to exploring your partner's desires.
Also... pace yourself, most especially if either one of you is new to spanking. Don't try to match what experienced couples are doing. Have fun with it too!
That's the way we started and it's worked quite nicely this far!
:)
Todd & Suzy
I agree with the above, that communication is the top priority. Kallisto and I have a private blog that we use exactly for that purpose. It's a great way to tell each other things that would otherwise go unsaid. Commentary, advice, fantasies, etc. all find their way into our private blog. The private blog has greatly enhanced our communication and helped us raise our relationship to the next level.
My advice is, if it feels good, do it. If you are both enjoying the spanking experience, then it's right for you. Its important to believe that what you are doing is not wrong or even unusual. If you are both already into it, but not sure where to go from here, then talk about it. Tell each other what you like, what you don't, and what you'd like to try.
When we started spanking we didn't have anywhere to go for information or advice. Our approach was pretty straightforward: he spanked me, I liked it, he liked it, and it became a regular part of our foreplay. We didn't discuss it, but we never felt the need to.
Hugs,
Hermione
Bonnie, the essential basics of any relationship do not change, whether vanilla or spanko.
Love, trust and communication, and communication is the manure that feeds and helps the partnership grow.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.
Hi, Bonnie!
Yes, I am in agreement with all the above. Communication is the key. Also, I would advise any new couple to ALWAYS have a "safe word" ... It is all a learning curve; you are not in a competition, there is no winner and loser, you either BOTH win, or BOTH lose! It is important to take things slowly, talk about what worked and didnt, without either of you feeling personally criticised or needing to be on the defensive.... lots of love and reassurance and encouragement for the wonderful bits.... enjoy yourselves, don't take it all too seriously, laugh together and have fun! Experiment and push limits gently once you are sure you know each other well enough to do so.
Hugs, all, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Happy Sunday Bonny!
Well I guess we have the communication thing covered, so I'll just say that I think its important to read sites like this which has tutorials about how to give a spanking. Giving a terrific and safe spanking is an acquired skill. You can pick up the tips of doing a lovely job by reading and then gently experimenting until everyone is sure that this is the method both the bottom and top thinks is most pleasurable.
I think that its a wise idea to read comments just as extensively as it is to read the tutorials, because readers give terrific advice on sites like yours.
And I have always liked the idea of rituals paired with spanking. Tom and swan of The Heron Clan shared recently about their ending ritual of having swan kiss the spanking instrument that was last used and thanking Tom for the spanking. Paul talks frequently about Domestic Discipline and that he corrected Mel in his office at the end of the work day. He's also shared alot about how he and Mel did stress buster spankings when a big and very stressful day was planned for Mel. Tom and Paul are just two of those who regularly comment here and have shared some lovely rituals. So have you.
Blessings!!
Short and sweet. Two things.
1. What works for everyone else won't necessarily work for you.
2. Just because you've tried it once and you didn't like it doesn't mean you don't ever like it. Try it twice.
Wait, I lied. :p One more thing.
3. Communication just became even more important.
(I think we learned all these things the hard way in some form or fashion.)
As has been said a time or two: communication! I don't think it can be stressed enough - you have to talk to one another. Share fantasies, what felt good, what you hated, absolutely everything. I think good communication in this area makes your entire relationship easier and better.
Also, have fun! This is supposed to be fun and sexy and all that good stuff - enjoy yourselves!
Lots of wise words already spoken here by others.
Although we've been married for many years it's still relatively early days in our spanking relationship.
Communication is vital and I think should be ongoing.
Like daisy said it is a learning curve and I am finding that I'm also being thrown a few curveballs as we play & learn.
For example I find that I sometimes wear my nerves close to the surface & while I am happily handling the physical feelings as I meet them I'm sometimes surprised at how emotional I can be the day after.
My partner would say that a spanking can sometimes last longer in my head than it does on my (well paddled) bottom.
So we make sure that whatever we're doing involves lots of loving contact.
good topic thanks.
roissy
Be prepared for lots of emotions to come with spanking. For me spanking is refreshing and wonderful, but it has also opened stuff I didn't even know I had closed up within me. Also, think through a strategy for the day when one of you wants to spank and the other doesn't. Does the spanker have the final word? The spankee? For us, we used a safe word, but we also had another word for "wait a minute... I do like spanking and want to be positive about it, but let's talk first." That only works for spankings that are negotiable.
I guess my advice is think and keep thinking. Expect spanking to impact your whole life.
Best wishes to new spankos. I count myself among you.
Maryann
If I were a at the beginning of our spanking relationship and I heard all this about communication I would be saying "But HOW?? I can't seem to make the words some out!" At least that was the way I felt. So let me tell you how I was able to do it - email. You may think that is a cop out, you should be able to talk to your partner face to face and I agree but we have now been spanking for about 2 1/2 years and I still communicate important ideas and feelings through email. I can take my time to say exactly what I mean.
I use it to tell Nick what I liked about an afternoon, what I would like to change and what I would like to try next. I can ask him question about what he likes best and what he wants to try. Often I just use it to thank him for going along with this in the first place.
PK
Take the time to get to know each others spanking interests inside and out. You will need to know if one person has an interest that may directly conflict with your own. For instance, I enjoy playing with new people, both at parties and private meetings. However, I have had several bottoms attached to me who have had problems with me wanting to spanking and play with others. True, communication wouldn't prevent this, as they already knew ahead of time that this was who I am. Still, the more communication, the better your odds.
When I first started, there was no real advice I had to go on. I had to learn as I went. The first several partners I had didn't really understand it. After a while, I thought I had found someone who did. The first time he spanked me for real, it was very clear he didn't. The spanking he gave me left bruises, a big no-no for me. The next partner I had didn't even understand me, let alone my spanking interest. He did it, but he didn't do it right. Both of these partners started too fast. Now I have one who understands and does it to my satisfaction.
The best advice I can give is start out slow. If you dive in too fast, someone is liable to get seriously hurt and the experience itself will not be enjoyable for either of you. Also, talk to each other and listen to each other. And by listen, I don't just mean hear what they're saying. Pay attention to what their body is saying.
Remember at first that it's always easy to increase intensity, but impossible to lessen the psychological or physical shock of too strong a start. As with other aspects of a relationship, for heaven's sake, get to know each other first! Also, picking up on Heather's excellent final comment, remember that listening is a two-step process. Step one is hearing. Step two is thinking about what you have heard.
Anon VII
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