Perhaps spring has finally arrived. I sure hope so! We had all of our windows open yesterday and it felt so good.
Today is Sunday and that means it's time for another Spanko Brunch. Our topic this week was contributed by a rather thoughtful eighteen year old gentleman. He poses the following question and seeks our collective counsel.
How does a male spanko convince a fairly conservative woman to let him spank her? Have you any advice about how best to break the ice?
If you would like to provide some guidance or share some insight, I invite you to leave a comment below. Once everyone has had a turn, I will post an edited summary of our discussion.
16 comments :
Given the youthful age, I just want to caution that if you do enter into this type of relationship it can increase the sense of vulnerableness she feels and possilby you to so please be sure you are willing to provide the emotionsl support as well as the fun. That said, I can say I knew even when I was 18 that I wanted to be spanked. (Although did not find "him" then - and had a very uncomfortable situation come up when I broached ths subject with my boyfriend - he turned me down flat and also told my best friend and I was mortified when she told me how weird he found my request.) Do not be too discouraged - I survived the event.
Now for you to move forward -I would recommend trying little things like playfully scold when an opportunity comes up and see what she does. For example if you both are playfulling tickling or wrestling tell her calmly, "okay time to stop" - if she continues - playfully threaten to spank her - if she says "you wouldn't dare" with a wink or a smile, then continues to tickle --she is testing the waters too-- offer a playful swat or two over the pants and see if it is accepted well. Kiss and make light of it for the time - and then talk later. Let her know it was fun for you. However, if her response is to say something like, "How dare you talk to me like that" then she is most likey not interested and offended, so appologize and perhaps keep looking for someone who wants to enjoy spanking with you. Try patting her bottom during a kiss - or complimenting her in new jeans by saying that her butt looks spankingly delicious, if she seems comfortable with those types of things it is a good sign. Main thing - take baby steps - don't rush, or push too fast. If you win her trust and respect, she will be more likely to be open to increasing the amount of spanking she engages in. There are things I enjoy now, but the first time my guy brought it up - he just presented it as something that might be fun. I never felt pushed -- so I would consider his ideas for a while, and talk further after, and think for a week or two. Generally as I grow to trust him to care about me and how I feel, I want to try new things to make him happy as well. Most of the time I find the new play fun - although may want to have some relaxing vanilla sex a few times and stay in familiar territory before trying it again. Always a bit of a balance. Good luck.
I agree with Mary, very tiny baby steps at first.
Jokes, little compliments, how good she looks in tight jeans, how much you like her rear, how much it turns you on.
Always remember that you are trying to enter the sort of relationship that requires a great deal of trust.
Bending over, or over the knee for a spanking, even a gentle loving one, makes a girl feel very vulnerable.
Spanking of this nature is, I believe, a loving activity, so with the spanking you need to show loving and caring.
Softly, softly, catchee spankee!!!
Baby steps, trust, loving and caring.
Thanks Bonnie.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
For my wife and I, we met in college. I knew I was a spanko at the time, and she was not. The great thing was she was not opposed to playfully swatting or getting swatted when we were fooling around. We were young and both open to just about everything.
As time went on, it didn't take much discussion, she could tell what turned me on, and was ok with it. As we did more, pushed some boundies, whe found it could really turn her on too if done right.
Now, many years later, I can talk very openly about what I'd like to try and why. Even as recently as a few years ago I would get nervous about bringing it up, but she actually told me to stop, just talk about it if I want to need to. She understands completley.
So for advice, I would say, start slow, in the context of being intimate, and let her see what effect it has on you (for me it's tough to hide when pants aren't involved LOL).
For more a more discipline based relationship I don't have much. I would say wait until you have a very strong trusting relationship and then just be honest.
aka_ieland (Mike)
If you are in a sexual relationship, then one way forward might be to open up a discussion about fantasies. If this gets going then you might suggest that you imagine yourself being spanked by a beautiful girl. If this is the girl for you then she might come up with a similar set of dreams. If not at least you have found out what she is turned on by so you can have fun with that. Who knows you might get a spanking from her and enjoy that just as much.
If you are not having sex yet then try a few taps on her bottom whilst you are kissing and see if you get a wiggle. In todays electronic world you could also send her a straight forward e mail - "any chance that I can spank your beautiful bottom?" You might get the reply of your dreams or just a straight "no way".
Good luck.
Michael
I was in the same kind of relationship as you at 18. I had been dating this super conservative guy all through high school. There really wasnt much to the relationship in terms of a sex life, but we thought we loved each other. Anyways, after about 3 years, I flat out asked him to spank me, and he freaked out. I mean really freaked out. He asked me why I wanted to be abused. He also tried to figure out things from my friends about my childhood and whether or not I was abused. (Just for the record, I was never physically abused by anyone, or even spanked at all.)He started to distance himself from me, and a few months later, we graduated high school and he moved to another counrty to help with his favorite religious cause. So there is about the worst things. Like the person above stated, I survived it and have moved on to better situations.
Six months later I met the guy that I am now married to. He was more than willing to spank me. It was a first time experience for both of us. My advice if she is willing to try would be to go slow. Don't rush into it because you don't want to scare her.
Also, considering the age, she is probably more likely to tell her friends about this experience than an older person would be. So you need to make extra sure the experience is a positive one where you don't end up with her best friends telling her it is strange or abusive.
Finally, you might be surprised. After being in a such a conservative relationship for so many years, I was more than ready to change. It was fun! She might just be waiting for someone to encourage it.
Good luck.
Jeana
Just commenting because I'm the one who asked...a few clarifying things.
1. I'm not sexually active, and don't plan on being so until I am married.
2. Despite my conservative values, I have long known I was a spanko, and have chosen to pursue this part of my sex life when it comes.
3. The spanking I'm looking for is not dominance/submission or DD type. It's all about fun and sex.
Thanks for your advice and I hope that helps you to give better advice.
Aaron, a couple of observations that I hope provide you something that is of value.
Most of us who share a sensual erotic orientation to spanking, know of this orientation from childhood (whehter we actualize its expression early on or later in life). In my case I have been completely aware that this was my sensual erotic identity from my very earliest memories.
You, yourself, I would assess. (without any judgement entailed) are relatively conservative in your planned evolution into adult sexuality, wanting to forego intercourse at age 18 until you are married. Yet you have confidence that spanking is a central theme of your sensual erotic orientation. There is no reason to assume therefore that because your partner is "conservative" she will necessarily be unwilling to embrace spanking as an expression of fun, excitement, and intimacy.
It sounds as though you feel you have a partner or partners with whom you wish to be more sensually intimate. Too you are very intentional about your limits in that regard. I would imagine that might come to involve conversation between you about what it is you both like and and want to experience. At least I hope for you that discussion is part of your relationship. I would be up front that you feel tremendously erotically drawn to and fulfilled by spanking, and you hope that she too could find that exciting and fun and bonding.
Depending on how "in depth" your relationship is, and what you are both comfortable with, there is a book, "When Someone You Love Is Kinky," that is a good way to begin a conversation between a partner wanting to move into a relatively more "kinky" expression like spanking, and a partner for whom that is new territory.
The book, "The Compleat Spanker" by Lady Green, provides a wonderful examination of adult consensual spanking from all angles: how to do it, how to receive it, values, philosophy, variations, etc. and is useful in destigmatizing the subject for folks who are new to the concept.
There is risk, of course,in exposing your sensual identity that perhaps you will find partners who will not embrace this important aspect of who you are. If so, that is about them and not you. You have an absolute right to be who you are.
When the topic of whether one should "expose" thier sensual erotic identity to a relationship partner comes up, I am always reminded of the quote from the great psychotherapist Fritz Perls, "If you are not for yourself, then who will be? If not now, then when?"
All the best:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Nor was I sexually active when I first asked to be spanked. (Since it can be such a fun element to life - I think it is important to marry someone who feels the same way as you do.) I guess that is way I mentioned tickling, wrestling, and kissing - that was some of the silly fun stuff we did to ease the sexual tnesion when sex wasn't an option. BTW this means- someties us conservative girls enjoy spanking too.
You mention the man is approaching "a fairly conservative woman" in this scenario as if that makes it more daunting a challenge -- the fact that she is "conservative" makes it all the more enticing!
He may have an undiscovered gold mine. That is, a consevative woman of refinement and sophistication that in private yearns to be punished for her wicked desires. (After all, the Victorians were a pretty conservative lot!)
The approach here is very simple. First, you have to have already achieved a certain level of connection -- you should have gone on at least a two dates as a minimum. After that when she commits some minor / innocent type offense -- let's say she is late somewhere, or spends more than she expected to at a store, or overcooked the pasta, whatever, then you say, just as if it is a pleasant little joke, "oh, well do remind me the next time you do that and I'll give you a good spanking."
Now the all important part, gauge her response...if she says, "Oh really?..." the voice inflection may say it all, if she says something like, "you and what army?" or "in your dreams," then, not good, probably time to move on. And if she says, "would that be a bare bottom spanking?" Then you have hit the JACKPOT.
It really is an exciting process! Good luck!
NEVER do as jenna mentioned earlier and make a flat out request. Too risky!
--B.
It really depends on how important spanking is to you. If it's close to a must have, you really just need to bring it up and ask her directly. Really don't want to be too shy or coy about the subject. It's not really a 'spanker' thing to do.
If spanking would just be a nice bonus during sexual play... try some playful swats during sex and see what reaction you get.
:)
Todd & Suzy
You could try a few love taps to test the waters, but really I think the only way is a proper discussion, especially if you want to be married before sex. You need to talk about this before you marry someone because if it's as big a part of sex to you as it is to me (and no doubt thousands of others!)...you need a partner who is willing to fulfil your needs, otherwise it will be a major stumbling block to the relationship. Just talk about other aspects of sex and then slowly bring up this topic. Sounds harder than it is, I promise.
Of course, spankings don't HAVE to be sexual. My best friend has been known to bend me over and give me a series of very fast hard slaps and he's gay. Between us, spanking is just fun and a laugh. No sexual connotations whatsoever! If you can seperate spanking from sex and make it purely fun (and like I said, it can be done), you could try it before marriage, surely?
Just a suggestion.
~elle~
Aaron, I was going to let you be anonymous. But since you’ve joined the discussion, I’ll speak directly to you. It’s an interesting conundrum you’ve placed before us. You consider spanking to be sexual (as many of us do). You’re not interested in a sexual relationship at this time (which is certainly a valid choice). And yet, you seek a woman with whom you can share this part of your sexuality. Do you see the contradiction?
Open-mindedness is generally a positive trait in a partner, especially if one has kinky proclivities. However, the combination of being adventurous with regard to spanking and comparatively disinterested in other aspects of sexuality may be difficult to find. Even if you decide that spanking will be non-sexual, as Elle describes, it won’t be easy to conceal your true feelings. Besides, if you’re starting off by being dishonest about your sexual interest, that doesn’t bode well for the relationship.
You might want to re-examine your values and your priorities. Is spanking so important that you would be willing to reconsider celibacy? Or is saving sex until marriage so important that you would be willing to postpone spanking as well? While it’s clear that neither option is attractive for you, that may be the choice you face.
I appreciate all your comments and advice.
Bonnie, you bring up a very good point, one that I did not clarify. Celibacy is more important to me than spanking at this point. However, once I am married, celibacy will no longer be an issue.
I am asking because I want to make sure that when I find this girl that I want to share my life with, I want her to be comfortable with this part of me. I want to discuss what I want from my sex life before I get engaged.
I came here because there is no one in my circle of advisors that would be of any help in this subject. Most of my advisors would consider this "sick" or "perverted"...they just don't get it. Erotic spanking is difficult to justify to conservative people and thus I have been made to keep this part of my life a secret.
But I don't want it to be a secret, something I never indulge in. I came here asking because I realize that this sort of thing is normal, and most of you guys are significantly older than me, so I trust you for advice on this.
Thanks for your time, and Bonnie, thanks for wanting to keep me anonymous. I just realized about three comments in that if I didn't clarify a few things I was going to get a lot of fluff that I didn't need.
I disagree that flat out statements are always a bad idea, it depends on the temperment of the individual. I find I would actually prefer a direct statement, then I could say "I'm not comfortable with that", "Oooooh baby!" or "Hmmmmmm..... tell me more". Why not just ask her what the best way to address sensitive topics would be from her perspective. A discussion about spanking is not going to be the only sensitive topic to arise during a life long relationship. If you approach these conversations in a way that is likely to keep the communication channel open you will have a much more successful relationship.
If you are waiting on all sexual aspects of relationships until marriage and spanking is sexual then definately a out loud adult discussion is needed before you consider marrying. You can read from prior brunches that plenty of people struggle to bring this into the relationship after the fact. Some get lucky - others always feel it lacking. Before you concider being serious there are many things to talk about. Roles within the home, who works?, do both of you work outside the home?, how many children, how will holidays be handles, how will disagreements be handled. Is yelling okay, is walking away okay, or is there a way to take a breather and come back to a converstion when both are calm, how much sex does she want in the relationship, once a week? everyday and twice on Sunday? Does she want to explore once married or does she find it some sort of obligation? What are her intimate fantasies that she hopes to explore once married. What are your secret desires? what is okay between married couples, what can never be considered. Are there words that should never be said, are there expectations of gifts, expectations of duty, who handles the money, how much money should be tithed, spent, and saved, where do you hope to live ???? -- I think if you are wating until marriage then - at some point when you think she may be the one - you will have to come out and ask (not only about spanking) start asking all of these questions. We all have a picture of how it should be in our heads -- many marriages don't make it because we assume the other person's picture is the same as our own. In reality we should check this out before hand rather than learn the hard way. Not knowing what to ask, I assumed my former spouse would love having sex once we were married -- he rarely wanted it. Even in the first months it was often only once or twice a week. I was devistated and disappointed because I valued waiting, but thought of sex as a healthy part of life once married. I wish I would have asked more questions, but I didn't know what to ask. So I just provided you with some of the things I wish I would have known to ask before saying I do.
What i will say, is I feel fairly confident that there is nothing perverted or sick when it is a lovingly shared pleasure and intimacy between a commited couple that values and respects each other. You are very wise to want to sort some of the "how to's" out now. (BTW not only do you have Randy and Bonnie to admire as a happy healthy couple, but you can look back at the brunches at what Paul writes -- to me - you can still hear the love in his "voice" when he speaks of his marriage and thier enjoyment of spanking.)Best of luck.
The task you’ve set for yourself will not be easy. I’ve talked with many different types of spanking enthusiasts during the two and a half years I’ve operated this blog. I observe that many women are not sufficiently comfortable with their sexuality to reveal their darkest fantasies, even to their husbands, until they reach their thirties or forties. While this phenomenon is certainly not universal, it may be unfair to judge a young and inexperienced woman based upon her current sexual expectations. We all grow and evolve over time. If you judge too quickly, you could throw away a true gem.
So to come full circle, how do you introduce the idea (if perhaps not yet the reality) of erotic spanking to a conservative young woman? I think Paul’s response was right on target. You do it slowly, playfully, and with affection.
Thanks, Aaron, for an interesting discussion.
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