I would like to send a big thank you to everyone who offered well wishes this week. We're going to be just fine and life should return to normal soon.
So are we having a brunch this week? Well, yes, of course we are! Things have been mighty busy around here, but not too busy to continue our Sunday tradition.
I think our topic this week is an interesting one. It deals with spankee requests. While the spanker usually makes the decisions about how a spanking proceeds, the needs and desires of the spankees may be considered as well. Invoking a safeword is one obvious example. But our focus today lies at the opposite end of the spectrum.
Do you think it's reasonable for a spankee to ask to be spanked? During the course of a spanking, may the spankee ask for more swats or greater intensity? Have you asked or been asked? What was the spanker's response?
If you would like to join our discussion, I invite you to post a comment below, send me an e-mail, or post a response on your own blog. I hope you'll share your thoughts and experiences!
20 comments :
We are slightly unususal spankos as we normally discuss the spanking first and I get to add my input, then I get spanked. Sometimes I do ask for more or harder swats but I think that my partner has the measure of what I need so that does not happen often.
Addressing this issue from the spanker's perspective, if I may, I have no problem with being asked (or better, invited, ideally by wordless action and/or look) to administer a spanking. Since I'm not into either punishment or dominance but very much into the erotic/sexual that often begins as the playful, I like to know as exactly as possible what she does and doesn't want. Sometimes it's discussed, but often that, too, is wordless, with an implement left out in plain sight (often on my desk), with her stretching across my lap ostensibly to get something off the table beside the couch or emphasizing the bending over to pick something up off the floor, &c. To me, her wants are every bit as important as mine, so I'm not bothered by "topping from the bottom" so long as it's not done in a commanding or petulant fashion.
AnonVII
Oh, absolutely reasonable. Much as I would like DH to take charge and just do, there are always going to be times I want/need a spanking and DH is not in that mind space. If I don't say anything, he's not going to know, and as irrational as it is, I will get frustrated and irritated with him for not giving me the spanking I want/need. I have to remind myself that DH is not a mind reader.
As for asking for more, I suppose it would depend on the type of spanking. Our spankings are play/erotic -- asking for more or harder or whatever, seems reasonable, and I have made comments during, but ultimately it is up to DH how the spanking goes. If we were doing disciplinary or punishment spankings, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to comment about quantity or intensity during the spanking -- it would be too much like questioning his authority.
I may set out my preferred implements, and DH will most likely use them, but if I don't set out what he prefers he'll get them out and use them anyway.
I may ask to be spanked, I may suggest implements, positions, intensity, quantity, etc, and while DH does listen, he's in charge and may or may not do as I suggest. And I prefer it that way.
We think it's reasonable for a spankee to make requests... but it's not always practical. Having to come right out and SAY what is wanted changes the dynamics. It doesn't feel very submissive and thus takes something away from the experience.
So, we have little playful 'rules' that lead to a spanking if they're broken. Nothing bad happens if the rule is broken. We're talking things like... having to shave, and not leaving dirty clothes on the floor. By breaking one of these silly rules, the "I want a spanking" signal is sent.
Some would say this is topping from the bottom, and they're probably right. It works for us though, so... so what! It's better than having to directly ask.
As for more swats, or harder/softer requests... Suzy has subtle ways of letting those desires be known. Like... 'Have you learned your lesson' ... 'What lesson, sir?' lol, okay maybe it's not so subtle!
Also has helped that we've communicated so openly about spanking through the years.
Hope things are settling down for you, Bonnie. Wonderful question!
Oh, I think it's certainly appropriate to ask. Though personally I hate asking. Like Todd and Suzy mentioned, asking changes the dynamic, and I like to feel it's something I don't have a choice about. Sometimes out of desperation (usually at bedtime) I might ask for a spanking, and then it comes outs something like "canIhaveabedtimespanking." You know, get it out there as fast as possible so that the taste of asking leaves quickly.
A. and I have talked about implementing some sort of system where one of us will wear something that's a signal he or she is in the mood for a spanking. And if during the spanking it's not hard enough, I tend to say something like "please don't spank me more, Sir!" Something really smart-assed also does the trick. ;-)
Yes, I think it's reasonable for a spankee to ask for a spanking. We're new spankos, and for now we communicate about everything. I have asked for less and greater intensity, and have "checked" to make sure a spanking was not over when my spanker has given me a break (during which his hands wander to other parts of my body). I would imagine as we gain more experience, we'll use words less and communicate in other ways. I'm seeing this start to develop already. But for now, we're definitely fine with me asking to me spanked, for a particular implement, for a harder spanking, etc.
I also think it is appropriate and at times, when in a new spanking relationship, entirely necessary.
Hugs
Dove
At the very beginning of my spanking journey, I asked few times to be skanked longer and harder. This was because my wife was afraid she could have injured me, and spenked me very light.
Now after 5 vears of experience she spanks hard, and it never happens to be too light or to short.
However, asking to be spanked is something what turn me and her. From time to time, when she schedule a spanking, she order me to come to her and asked to be spanked in certain day, or/and in certain time. If I forget, I get extra punishment.
Jack
I also think it is not only appropriate but necessary to develop good enough communication so the spanker knows what the spankee feels, thinks, needs, etc. In disciplinary spankings I would not comment, but even with these, we sometimes talk maybe the next day, and will assess how things went and I might say what I think. It really is possible to communicate without taking control.
Bonnie, we were rather relaxed about rules. Mel rarely asked for a spanking in words, there were so many ways that she could show by actions what she wanted.
She always got what she needed and was mostly happy.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
boy that is a debate we have had more than a few times around here.. do i have the right to ask for a session??
Sir has always said "yes" i have the right to ask - respectfully - but it does not mean i am going to receive one....... the final decision as with all things is up to Him.
During a session do i have the right to direct the session?? no.. i don't.. do i ?? you betcha ! but in a nonverbal manner...
if i want more intensity i will stick my ass further out .. and sometimes i have been known to actually wiggle my ass (in a cheeky fashion) at Sir...
If i want less intensity.. i usually without thought move away from the hits.. try to "escape" ..
do either of these messages get through to Sir.. yup .. every time.. does He do anything about them...... sometimes yes.. sometimes no.. again it is entirely up to Him what i get or don't get..
i think the most difficult one is when i don't want a session to end.. when i want it to go on forever and ever.. and Sir decides for whatever reason the session is over.. i have been known to pout (very un-subbie like for sure)...... but after 6 years of being with Sir.. i know He stops things only because there is a very good reason !!
and that's my brunch offering for this Sunday morning.........
morningstar (owned by Warren)
co-owner of drakor
yes i think its reasonable to ask for a spanking. most of my spankings are erotic/sexual. so i dont think i'm topping from the bottom. usually, i will let my lover know with body movements... shaking my rear at him. being cheeky. little sounds... giggling moaning sighing etc. he knows me so well that he gives me what i need. i dont get to pick positions or implements or how hard or soft. love having a warmed up rear.
In the beginning, I used to ask for a spanking. But now, not so much. I usually lay out the implements that I would like to include in the evening's spanking. If the paddle comes out, it is an indication that I want something harder. If nothing is out, then Krishna uses his hand. But, of course, he can choose whatever he wants when he wants. This seems to be working for us now. Maybe things will change when we are done testing our limits. Great topic, Bonnie! Glad you had the energy to host a brunch this Sunday!
Radha
Yeah, I think it is reasonable to ask, although I never ask with words. He can normally take a subtle (or sometimes not so subtle) hint. Sometimes I ask him to spank me harder because he is still kind of paranoid about hurting me. He doesn't mind if I ask, he says he likes it since we are both new at this.
Jeana
I totally like to top from the bottom! And thought my hubby let's me, he chuckles and reminds me that he's supposed to be in charge of spankings! LOL!
*hugs*
Paige
Not only do i think it's reasonable but i ask for certain positions as well. Ours is a mutual fun relationship and usually ends sexually. Big Evil grins!
As far as asking for a harder spanking goes I find that nine out of ten times a woman will not spank hard enough for me the first time playing together. So It's sort of I have to ask for more but when you think about it that is just the spanker being sensible.
Prefect
At the very beginning of our romantic relationship, when we moved from being friends in love with one another to being actual lovers, we talked about what we wanted from our spanking relationship, especially as we'd both been away from it for years. My clearest memory of that conversation is of him telling me, "Sometimes I'll want you to ask for more." Sometimes I'm embarassed to do so, but I know both asking for more and that little bit of shame that comes with asking for it are turn-ons for him. I think asking for it actually gives him more power, because it's me saying "I want you to take control of me that much more."
I hope you're doing well today, Bonnie. Sending you lots of good warm thoughts. Hugs, Abby
Randy says that I am absolutely welcome to ask for spanking or more spanking whenever I please. However, he has made it equally clear that everything that happens afterward is up to him.
He figures that if I am in a state where I need to ask, a simple bottom warming won’t be sufficient. When I ask, his response is usually a fast, hard paddling. It’s usually more than I think I want, but often precisely what I need.
As I’ve described before, we also have a variety of non-verbal signals. Examples include wearing thong-style panties, bending over right in front of him, and laying out an implement. These work quite well (and occasionally too well!). We have a lot of fun with spanking and when I initiate, it doubles our opportunities for play.
I do request spankings at times, but most of the time PS can tell when it is needed. As for how hard, usually PS knows what I need and he has taken to asking near the end if I want some "hard" swats. I usually do! and he always gives them to me. We've incorporated this as kind of a way to build up the intensity for me, and letting him know how intense I'd like it to be.
Carye
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