Recap: MBS Sunday Brunch for August 6

For this week's brunch, we addressed the unavoidable issue of pain and its role in our overall spanking experience. Your answers were, as they so often are, wonderfully enlightening.

Mistress Sky: I need the pain. It makes me come alive like nothing else I've ever experienced. It's my foreplay. As a Domme, I can do BDSM without sex. But as a sub, I can't do sex without BDSM. Not anymore. It's become such an integral part of my life now, that the only thing I fear would be its cessation!

Doc: I love pain. It's simple to say. Sometimes I wonder if it is in part because of my EXTENSIVE martial arts background.

So much about pain can ground a person, and to have my lover inflict it upon me reminds me that I am alive. I'm not talking from a place of emotional disturbance. What I am saying is that pain is something that I am able to embrace with ease and welcome. Perhaps that is because it is associated (for me) with something else pleasurable.

Physical pain is so much easier than emotional pain, and the type of pain that is produced by spanking, I find, is very like the kind of pain incited by say, a great workout, but with sex. When stretching and going past the point that I think I can handle, I find myself slipping into a place of physical and mental knowledge.

Spanking without the pain? It wouldn't be the same, and it serves so many different purposes. I mean, we can't just not acknowledge the fact that the pain feels good (as much of an oxymoron as that that is), but good in a non-destructive way.

Pain is a misleading word. For while the body may rebel, but it is release and pleasure for the mind and self, and ultimately pleasure for the body!

Jean Marie: The old weight-lifting adage is "No pain, no gain." In order to benefit, to grow and develop, you have to feel the burn. It holds true in spanking.

I can enjoy the light, playful session, but to do me any good, it has to hurt. I used to fear the pain, like a child begging, "Please not so hard," or "Not on the bare." Through frequent acquaintance, I now respect the pain. There is a stage when I'll fight against the building pain, (rarely expressed in physical reaction, but always a mental thing), which helps me break through to the other side. And the other side holds release, levels of nirvana, plateaus just like great sex. That's where spanking becomes great sex, in the intensity of sensation. It's why we seek out new implements; more stinging, really wicked, off the charts... The thrill of trying it out on your palm in the store sends tingle-shivers up and down the spine, knowing how it'll feel on the backside later. It's like a drug, Give me more. I can handle it.

I could talk about it at length (and do in my writing), but most bottoms (and all good tops) already know what I'm saying. Those outside will never understand the paradox of craving pain to attain pleasure.

S: Yes, you must have pain to gain, and it must be more than you bargained for. But moderation is best in all things, which is where the safe word comes in.

Bella: It's necessary, but not necessarily evil. I'm like Mistress Sky. Sex without pain doesn't do much for me.

The shift of balance that occurs while it's happening is very much like an orgasm's approach. He gives and I take. He gives more and I take more. And as it goes on, it's less about me and more about him. There's a crescendo... Up and up. Then over the edge and it's blissful.

The pain, to me, brings a more intense feeling of intimacy. I feel more submissive and more grounded afterwards.

Is it the whole purpose of a spanking? Not entirely, but it's a big part of it.

Elis: Oh yes, the pain must be there. We are so new that neither of us is sure of how hard and how long a spanking should go. But I know that when he goes too light, I feel frustrated and unfulfilled. It’s like dying of thirst and instead of him giving me a cup of water, he is just flicking water in my face! I want him to put some muscle behind it! At the same time, I think of some of our more severe toys and wonder if I’ve said too much! We are new at this. We are going to make mistake. Sometimes, I’ll pay with frustration. Other times, I’ll pay with a bruised butt! But when all is said and done, I’m lovin’ it!

Dyke Grrl: Pain is definitely important, but I think it's the very particular kind of pain that a spanking offers. I've got a disorder that causes widespread pain in my body (ironically, the only place that is consistently without pain is my backside). This pain drags me down, exhausts me, and keeps my body from producing endorphins when I exercise (and exercise without endorphins hurts like crazy, IMO).

Spanking pain... Well, for one thing, it does produce endorphins, so I have a net improvement in how I feel. And it grounds me, helps me to center and feel balanced.

I agree with Elis that a spanking without (sufficient) pain is like being flicked with water when you're thirsty.

Bonnie: For me, pain is not an end in itself, but rather the gateway to a whole range of pleasurable experiences and sensations. When Randy repeatedly strikes my bottom with the paddle, the pain it produces frees endorphins. The result is feelings of physical euphoria and emotional connectedness.

But this discussion goes far beyond biochemistry. The act of spanking and the experience of willingly accepting that spanking forge a bond between us. The pain and the heat cure that bond and make it strong. When the spanking is concluded, I feel submissive, aroused, and grateful in ways I could not without first working through and getting past that pain.

Hours later, I adore the dull ache that follows a thorough spanking. Every time I bend or sit, I flash back to being face down across my husband’s lap and receiving his full attention. It’s a tremendous turn-on.

Diane: To me, a new submissive (think barely past vanilla), pain is something I want to avoid. Pain and I don't mix well. I have a low tolerance for it.

My daily morning spankings are not painful. They are a release and a bonding given by my Husband. Having said that, pain is a necessary evil. Without the pain, there is no discipline and no reason for growth or change. I want to change. Pain is the catalyst for me. It is a reminder for me to stay to my goals and dreams faithfully and honestly.

When my husband becomes my Dom he dispenses the discipline. It is done with respect, compassion, and love, and it hurts. My Dom says a spanking is supposed to hurt.

Tigger Too: Simply put, I'm not into pain. However, I do like the sting that comes with a good spanking! That being said, though, I don't want the pain to be so significant that I can feel it hours later, or a spanking that leaves bruises. I'm definitely not into that.

Paul: Mel and I discovered very early on, that if it wasn't hurting it wasn't working. Mel's butt has to glow before she could fly. She needed the spanking to last until the next one.

The harder she was spanked, hand, strap, belt or tawse, the hotter the sex. Vanilla sex was OK, but spanking brought out the passion. We are talking good girl spankings here. I suspect that a non-spanker would find our good girl spankings rather hard to take.

This was definitely an endorphin high and Mel needed to be held and loved and have as much bodily contact as possible. This is how we slept, Mel in my arms and a hot butt pressed into my groin. We never needed sleeping aids.
I still fall asleep with the memories.

Mary: What role does physical pain play in your spanking experience? Well "spankings are supposed to hurt." This is what I feel when I am craving them, when I am resisting, and when I am complaining about the one I am getting. The physical pain makes the spanking real. It gets into my head and is freeing overall. It’s such a paradox. I can crave it, but then hate it the minute it really starts to hurt. Of course, if he stopped, I would be unsatisfied. Fortunately, he doesn't listen to my complaints and this is where the magic happens. I am released from all concerns. He is clearly in charge and there is nothing left for me to do except follow directions and accept my spanking. I then relax. I am granted freedom from all responsibility. I can take it gracefully or fight it all the way, but I am no longer concerned about anything but my poor behind. Strangely, I feel incredibly safe. This freedom and feeling him in control, and the pain blend and I become more deeply aroused and connected.

Is it something to be feared? I don't mind that fear thinking ahead or moments before, but I hate feeling really afraid. The best cure for feeling afraid is being over his lap. I am okay there. But if I am asked to bend over the couch or lie on the bed or even go to the corner, I just don't want to. Even though he can create quite a scorching behind while I am over his lap, I still feel incredibly safe there.

Is pain to be avoided if possible? Well, of course you should avoid a spanking, and when recently spanked I will. But time causes the pain to fade and the memory tricks you and you crave the closeness and the excitement and forget just how bad it can hurt. Instead of remembering to be good, you test the limits again or at least wiggle your behind to tease.

Is it a necessary evil? Yes. Without the pain it isn't a real spanking to me, and like others I will be frustrated.

Is it the key to nirvana? Yes. It is a means to an end where I feel connected, alive, have orgasms easily, feel secure, happy, horny, and maybe even gain some discipline. I definitely feel more centered.

Is it whole purpose of a spanking? Pain is not the purpose for me. It is part of the process, the purpose of which being all of the above.

Can pain play multiple roles at different times? Of course. See all the comments. It can play as many roles as we desire.

Mija: I answered this question as part of a questionnaire that Iris wrote just before she joined the Punishment Book:

I’m not someone who gets pleasure out of pain in the sense of conventional (to the degree I understand it) masochism. Everything about this actually *hurts* me, sometimes to the point where I feel a bit ill or faint. But it has to really hurt. Otherwise, it doesn’t feel real or right. Someone said it was about “suffering” for them and that rang true for me as well. I like scenes to be as much like “real” punishments as possible – no gentle warm-ups, no erotic stroking.

What I do with the pain is experience and embrace it. And then, I remember it. Generally, it’s with a lot of pleasure because of how much it hurt and how it didn't stop even when I wanted it to.

Mel: I agree with Doc, "Physical pain is so much easier than emotional pain." I believe that if it weren't for the sharp pain caused by a spanking, I'd be a lot more self-destructive when dealing with my depression. The pain lets me to release all of my built up anger, frustration and sadness. It also enables me to sail on the endorphins produced. A good spanking will leave me on a high for days.

Tony: As a spanker I really don't understand how my wife can take the pain. She has a way of telling me that it "hurts so good." I have tried to switch and I don't enjoy the pain at all. She has often had to coach me to continue a spanking when I felt she had had enough. She is in some sort of a head space where she needs me to continue so she can enjoy the experience. From the look of her bottom and the marks that would last for days, you would think she was suffering. That is not the case. She would suffer if I stopped too soon.

Wind Walker: Personally, I both love and hate the pain. During the spanking (and I'm talking about heavy spankings with the paddle), I'm thinking "please make it stop," but at the same time, I don't want it to stop.

The pain releases something in me that I used to bottle up, and still will bottle if I am not spanked regularly.

As for play spankings, I love the pain. It excites me. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Padme: I agree with Wind Walker. I both love and hate the pain. I am masochistic and find that I really relax after a really good spanking. I want to feel pain to release all the stress and tension. I hate some of the pain with spankings, especially with the cane or paddle.

I find that if I go too long without pain, I start to crave it and really need it. During play spankings, I love the pain! I love a nicely reddened bottom that hurts to sit on.

Anon: I agree with many of the others! I like the release that I get from a good spanking. It centers me and comforts me and makes me feel closer to my husband than anything else ever could. I wish he would spank harder than he does, but so far he isn't comfortable with that. I'll just enjoy what I get!

Thank you, everyone, for your thought-provoking contributions.

Keywords: spanking, spanking pain, spanko brunch