Monday, May 29, 2006

Recap: Sunday Brunch for May 28

This week, we tackled the challenging question of how to find the spanko of your dreams. As you will see, our beloved MBS readers contributed some marvelous advice.

Tony: The first thing I would say is to be HONEST. If you want a spanking relationship, don't hide the fact that you are a spanko. If it scares the person away, then it wouldn't have worked out as a spanking relationship anyway. I used to spend so much time and effort and money getting to know a lady. After weeks or months I would find the right time to tell them that I had this thing for giving spankings. That often changed everything. I was told I was weird, sick, crazy, whatever. Other times they just stopped answering my calls and e-mails. Now it's different. When I find a lady I am attracted to, I just say, "I want to be honest with you. I have a thing for giving spankings. Have you ever enjoyed a spanking?" They say NO and I don't want to, or they say NO but I'm willing to try, or they say Oh YES! I swear it really works. People are open-minded these days. I just get it out in the open from the start and it saves a lot of stress.

Cuddlybum: I had a chat with the beloved about this. He reckons it's the same as anything else. Take it slowly and don't just dump it on someone, or worse, don’t start laying into them without notice (Mind you, he doesn't mind laying into me without notice now, but that's a different story).

As to telling someone you LIKE getting spanked, I don't know. I'm still hugely embarrassed about the whole thing and I think a lot of that comes back to trust. I'd have to feel I trusted the man a LOT if I were to ever broach the topic. But hopefully, the beloved and I will be happy forever and I won't have to.

It’s funny how a lot of things come back to trust, isn't it?

Jean Marie: Been there, lived that!

On the one hand, Shadow Lane throws these big parties in Vegas and L.A. several times yearly where I envision orgies of spankings go on. Some day maybe I'll attend one, but on a teacher's salary, it won't be soon. They also publish networking ads called Stand Corrected. I humbly but honestly think I present an attractive package to the world. I'm considered pretty, shapely, am sane, and gainfully employed. But I live in the conservative Bible Belt. If I ran an ad, I'd be fired.

So, first, one has to decide how important spanking is to you in a relationship. For a true spanko, it's vital. Therefore, as Tony said, get out there in the dating scene and be up-front about it. I don't advocate promiscuity in these times, but on about the third date or so, tell the prospective partner. I think my kink is something to rejoice in. It fuels a very intense sex drive in me. I couldn't be in a relationship that didn't include discipline in all its forms, playful and punishing. My advice is bare your soul, and then bare a bottom...

Paul: This is a difficult one. I was lucky to discover very early in our relationship that she was very interested. I fell on my feet.

A lot depends on where you live. If you live in the Bible Belt, you have to be very careful. If you live in a big city, it may be easier.

Honesty and trust are essential. Be oblique if necessary, perhaps start with jokes. At some time, you will have to come out with it. Choose your time carefully.

Mike: Lots of great advice has been thrown in already, so I'll offer a few tips that may not otherwise get voiced.

If you are a spankee, invest in some good thick cotton underwear (it helps during and after), and some lotion.

If you're a spanker, invest in a good solid hairbrush. You can't go wrong with that, and it really saves your hand.

Be honest, with yourself and your partner.

Tom: I suggest you search where you can find people interested in spanking. There are all kinds of spanking sites. You can find people, start mailing, and later, telephone or make an arrangement for a visit. In bigger towns, there are the spanking events and spanking clubs. You might consider visiting or joining.

Trust your intuition. Mostly you can feel when those ladies need a spanking, but you can be terribly wrong. So don't push too much.

Rose: I sort of fell into my love of spanking after my cancer episode. I answered an ad on Craig’s List from a man who described himself as a gentle dominant. He gave me my first spanking. Alas, that relationship was not to last long. I ended up doing some research about the world of D/s, BDSM, spanking and such things. I joined an online dating service that caters to such things to meet men. That didn't work so well for me. I finally returned to Craig’s List. I chose to put up my own ads to be able to better vet the men who were answering the ads. I was lucky to find Jefferson through one such ad.

There are some groups in NYC, but they tend toward "meat market" type arenas. I don't like the feeling of being looked at as "fresh spanking/bondage meat." So, I stick to Craig’s List and vetting the men carefully. Sometimes I've had to top from the bottom to teach a newbie. It hasn't proven to be an easy task to find that perfect spanko partner, but it's well worth the effort!

Mary: Tom, you suggested, “trust your intuition, but don't push too much.” If you playfully threaten to spank a girl and she says "you wouldn't dare," she is probably daring you to do it, but is too shy to ask.

I met my spanker through a spankee listserv. They advised meeting very publicly, exchanging contact info, and perhaps sharing the details of your plans with a third spanko and asking them to expect a phone call at a certain time. This was all in the interest of providing a safety net. I have had far worse experiences from non-spanko date encounters than through the spanking ones!

As for the Bible Belt, check out Christian domestic discipline sites. Some have personals (however, some are a bit too serious about discipline for my taste, particularly if sex is to be withheld after the spanking so the woman does not associate bad behavior with reward). I love a serious discipline spanking, but I love playful, fun, or erotic spankings too. No matter what got me over the knee, I want the sexual connection. Be safe is the main thing.

Shimon: One way to do it would be like this, "Any ladies interested in starting a spanko relationship with someone in New York City, please contact me. Thank you."

Tulsa: Truthfully, I've always used BDSM personal ads, but I only use them when I know exactly what I want and the kind of person I'm looking for to fulfill those needs. They work pretty well to at least figure out what the other person wants before you meet. Once you do meet, you can find out if there's chemistry. The problem with those web sites is that there's literally a 10:1 ratio of men to women. So the advice doesn't work so well for men.

I'm pretty curious myself to try and find other ways to meet people. I'm shy anyway, and that doesn't help much. I'm also too young for the groups in my area (perfectly legal otherwise though).

Ford: As DW and I were married for about seven years before we made our first tentative explorations into domestic discipline, I find this a difficult question. When we first met, neither of us had any idea of what domestic discipline meant as a lifestyle, or that our relationship might lead here.

Naturally, we still had the issue of how to broach the subject in the first place. Even with a very strong and honest relationship, I cannot pretend that it was easy. But it is worth the risk with someone you know you can really trust.

I imagine it might be easier to be open about your needs before a relationship starts to develop.

Marcus: This question is more my forte. I've found a variety of methods that work. I do know that the response "You wouldn't dare!" often means, "I dare you to spank me!" just as Mary said.

I've had women act like brats around me to see what kind of response I'd give. I've answered, "Keep it up and you'll get a spanking." If they grin, well, you know. If they just go silent, don't bring it up again.

I've found online places that worked for me. At one time, there existed a nice place called on Usenet. It eventually became soc.sexuality.spanking. If you wanted to read about good spanking stories or wanted to talk about good spankings, you could go there. But neither were good places if you wanted to deliver or get a spanking.

It's never been a big overt opening for me. I tend to be more tentative. But I've never had any complaints except, "My butt hurts, you beast!"

SpankedMinx: The net is a great place to meet. That's how EH and I met. He was called "Spanking Services" and somehow that attracted me! We were able to chat on-line and on the phone for six months. This allowed us to get to know each other a damn sight better that a few nights out. The only snag was that I said I would never meet anyone from on-line, so had he not surprised me with smoked salmon and strawberries on Xmas Eve one year, we never would have gotten married!

Since then, we have increased our knowledge and social scene by attending spanking parties and fetish fairs, but I wouldn't recommend this alone. I have to say the web worked for us, but everyone should take real care out there.

I still go in spanking chat rooms, mainly to get ideas for my stories and to talk to like-minded people. Another way is to make blog friends!

Don: I would echo Tony’s advice to “be HONEST. If you want a spanking relationship, don't hide the fact that you are a spanko. If it scares the person away, then it wouldn't have worked out as a spanking relationship anyway.” I would add that I think it would be prudent to wait a few dates and see if there are any “sparks” before getting honest.

I happen to live in the Bible Belt and if that has anything to do with non-acceptance of spanking, it went right by my wee male brain.

I would think anyone reading personal spanking enthusiasts' ads is a spanking enthusiast. And if they happen to attend your church, maybe that would be a good thing.

Is it really that much different than seeking a mate that also enjoys some other activity that not is viewed as a kink? At one point in my life, I would not have considered any woman that did not relish sailboat racing in addition to spanking.

Weasel: I didn't realize how much of a spanko I was until my husband and I broke up. For eight years, we were separated and I discovered how much I loved this spanking thing when I met a guy who did enjoy giving them. Well, life brought me and my beloved back together, and took the spanker away. It took me a year to trust enough to sit D down and tell him what I wanted. He was unsure, but slowly, as he realizes how much it turns me on, he is beginning to realize the benefits.

Bonnie: This topic is largely outside my area of expertise, but I think I can add a few common sense suggestions.

Know yourself – Are you comfortable with your kink and with your sexuality. Are you ready to share them with another? If so, under what circumstances? Where are your limits?

Know the person with whom you are playing – Are they experienced in this type of play? To what degree do you trust them? Do you know their limits?

Know the game – Is this a purely recreational encounter, or are you perhaps laying the foundation for a more permanent relationship? Have you discussed your expectations? Are they compatible?

Know when to get out – Are you willing to accept failure today in order to find success tomorrow? If things go wrong, do you have a plan?

For everyone who is searching, I wish you fulfillment. Until then, I hope you can be both safe and secure.

SmartNnaughty: I joined a dating site that let me know something about sexual preferences including spanking. I played the numbers and met many guys one time. I didn't go out with very many a second time. But by meeting so many, I increased my odds. MG came along and the rest was history.

I believed in myself and was comfortable with who I was. I also trusted my instincts about people. Yes, I played it safe and met guys in public places.

I made two exceptions and one of those lead to an intimate relationship that lasted several months. Even though his screen name strongly inferred spanking, he wasn't and never will be a spanko. I still hear from him from time to time. The other time was a mistake and I got away unharmed, but it was entirely unpleasant.

My point is the danger is greatly removed when you meet in public. There needs to be enough e-mails and/or phone calls before to get to know someone.

Besides spanking, I was looking for someone educated. That was important to me--very important. My ex was very intelligent, but didn't value education. Since I work in that field, it was necessary to find someone who at least semi-agreed with the importance of education. I also think I found a better quality of man that way.

I looked at it this way: You can have great sex and wonderful spankings, but if I can't have a decent conversation with a guy, the relationship is doomed.

As I said in my earlier comment, playing the numbers was important. Yes, the ratio was ten men for every woman. So I had plenty to choose from. I looked for someone with a good heart and admirable qualities. I was surprised that I found so many.

I didn't waste months on e-mails but rather tried to go deep with them quickly to see how they would respond. If I found substance there, I agreed to meet them. The chemistry is something that is there or it isn't. There was no sense wasting time if there wasn't any chemistry. And I had plenty of men to choose from.

It is now a year later and I still hear from a handful of the men I met. One is waiting for me to break up with MG and it isn't going to happen. I was told many times that there weren't many quality girls on the site so being educated and a woman of quality gave me an edge.

My "bottom" line advice is don't put your bottom out there until you know the person at more than a cursory level. Ask tough and deep questions. Trust your instincts. Know what you are looking for and what you have to offer. Have enough self-respect and self-esteem to not let anyone take advantage of you.

And most of all have FUN. Sure, maybe I didn't go out with most of the guys a second time but I got to meet them and hear wonderful stories and laugh and have a good time.

It can work when you use common sense, safety rules and are willing to put yourself out there.

I hope that makes sense. Because any other component to it has to be just this: magic.

MG is the magic in my life and he is perfectly suited to what I need. He heals the parts of me that need healing and I do my best to do that for him. We did that by getting to know each other and listening. I love him with my whole heart and I tell him just as often as I can!

Great job! Thanks again, everybody.


wind walker said...

excellent discussion. i love your brunches.

ross said...

Great stuff. Thanks to everyone for sharing.

partygirljessica said...

"Are you a spanko?"

That has always been an ice breaker, especially when I hit a guy up in It's proven to keep a conversation going (or at least for me).

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