Welcome back, everyone, to our weekly group celebration of all things spanking. For those new to the brunch, this is your opportunity to sound off on a different topic each week. You can register your response as a comment below, send me an e-mail, or post a message on your own blog. Once I have collected everyone's thoughts, I will post an edited summary of the proceedings.
This weeks's question is one that several of my correspondents have asked me. I usually have an answer for reader inquiries, but this one is outside my experience. I knew, however, that you would have some excellent suggestions. So here it is:
What advice would you offer to someone who is seeking to meet a partner and start a spanko relationship?
I look forward to reading your wise counsel.
15 comments :
The first thing I would say is be HONEST. If you are wanting a spanking relationship don't hide the fact that you are a spanko. If it scares the person away then it wouldn't have worked out as a spanking relationship anyway. I used to spend so much time and effort and money getting to know a lady. Afer weeks or months I would find the right time to tell them that I had this thing for giving spankings. That often changed everything. I was told I was weird, sick, crazy, whatever. Other times they just stopped answering my calls and emails. Now it's different. When I find a lady I am attracted to I just say " I want to be honest with you. I have a thing for giving spankings. Have you ever enjoyed a spanking? " They would say NO and I don't want to or they will say NO but I'm willing to try or they will say Oh YES!. I swear it really works. People are open minded these days. I just get it out in the open from the start and it saves a lot of stress.
Tony
I had a chat with the beloved bout this. He reckons it's the same as anything else.....take it slowly and don't just dump it on someone - or worse start laying into them without notice. (Mind you he doesn't mind laying into me without notice now, but that's a different story.)
As to telling someone you LIKE getting spanked.....I don't know. I'm still hugely embarrassed bout the whole thing and I think a lot of that comes back to trust again. I'd have to feel I trusted the man a LOT if I was to ever broach the topic. But hopefully the belvoed and I will be happy forever and I won't have to.
Funny how a lot of things come back to trust isn't it?
cuddlybum
Been there, lived that!
On the one hand, Shadow Lane throws these big parties in Vegas and L.A. several times yearly where I envision orgies of spankings go on. Some day maybe I'll attend one, but on a teacher's salary, it won't be soon. They also publish networking ads called Stand Corrected. I humbly but honestly think I present an attractive package to the world; I'm considered pretty, shapely, am sane and gainfully employed. But I live in the conservative Bible Belt. If I ran an ad, I'd be fired.
So, first, one has to decide how important spanking is to you in a relationship. For a true spanko, it's vital. Therefore, as Tony said, get out there in the dating scene and be up-front about it. I don't advocate promiscuity in these times, but on about the third date or so, tell the prospective partner. I think my kink is something to rejoice in; it fuels a very intense sex drive in me. I couldn't be in a relationship that didn't include discipline in all its forms, playful and punishing. I'm not in the relationship of my dreams right now, we'll probably go our seperate ways in time, and I'll have to put this advice into practice. (It's funny how my writing mirrors my feelings of the moment, sometimes romanticly optimistic, other times bitterly negative. And this short posting, unlike a story I finished yesterday, is taking a turn for the latter.) Gee, these brunches usually get me hot & bothered, I finish a posting, and go rape my sleeping lover until he gives me what I want; hard spanks and an even harder cock. This morning I'm fighting back tears and my fanny is untouched. But it's good to confront. Bonnie tells me that this marvelous blog receives well over one thousand, five hundred hits daily; that's a lot of people who would like to be getting or giving some hits themselves. This spanko needs to stand up for what she believes in; the desire not to be able to sit down. To get back to the theme and away from a political manifesto; my advice is bare your soul, then bare a bottom...
Jean Marie
This is a diffecult one, I was lucky, I discovered very early on in our relationship that she was very interested, I fell on my feet.
A lot depends on where you live, if you live in the bible belt, then you have to be very careful, if you live in a big city it may be easier.
Honesty and trust are essential, be oblique if necessary, perhaps start with jokes.
At some time you will have to come out with it, choose your time carefully, I wish you luck.
Does this help, I don't know.
Hugs,
Paul.
Lots of gret advice thrown in already, so I'll offer a few tips that may not get voiced...
If you are a spankee, invest in some good thick cotton underwear, it helps during and after, and lotion.
If you're a spanker, invest in a good solid hairbrush, you can't go wrong with that, and it really saves your hand.
Be honest, with yourself and your partner.
Mike
Search where you can find people interested in spanking. You won't find a rich lady in the slums. Certainly not a decent one.
There are all kind of spankings sites where you can find people with the same interest and start mailing and later on telephone or make an arrrangement for a visit. In bigger towns there are the spanking events and spanking clubs. You might consider visiting or joining. And trust your intuition. Mostly you can feel when those ladies need a spanking but you can be terrible wrong. So don't push to much.
bonnie...you always have the greatest questions! i sort of fell into my love of spanking after my cancer episode. i answered an ad on craigslist from a man who described himself as a gentle dominant. he gave me my first spanking. alas, that relationship was not to last long. i ended up then doing some research about the world of D/s, bdsm, spanking and such things. i joined an online dating service that caters to such things to meet men....that didn't work so well for me. i finally returned to craigslist, choosing to put up my own ads to be able to better vet the men that were answering the ads. i was lucky to find jefferson through one such ad.
there are some groups in nyc, but they tend toward "meat market' type arenas. i don't like the feeling of being looked at as "fresh spanking/bondage meat". so, i stick to craigslist and vetting the men carefully. and sometimes i've had to top from the bottom to teach a newbie. it hasn't proven to be an easy task, finding that perfect spanko partner.....but it's well worth the effort!
xoxo,
rose
Tom, As to trust your intuition but don't push too much. FYI If you playfully threaten to spank a girl and she say "you wouldn't dare" she is probably daring you to do it. :-) - but too shy to ask.
I met my spanker through a spankee list serv. They advised meeting very publically; exchanging contact info, perhaps inviting a third spanko to know when and where a spanking meeting was taking place between whom and to expect a phone call at a certain time. This was all in the interest of providing a safety net. I have had far worse experiences from non spanko date encounters than through the spanking one! As for the bible belt - check out Christian domestic discipline sites-and some have personals. (however some are a bit too serious about discipline for my taste -particularly if sex is to be withheld after the spanking so the woman does not associated bad behavior with reward) I love a serious discipline spanking - but I love playful, fun, or erotic spankings too. No matter what got me over the knee, I want the sexual connection. Be safe is the main thing.
Truthfully I've always used BDSM personal ads, but I only use them when I know exactly what I want and the kind of person I'm looking for to fulfill those needs. They work pretty well to at least figure out what the other person wants before you meet, and once you do meet you can find out if there's chemistry. The problem with those websites is that there's literally a 10:1 ratio of men to women... So the advice doesn't work so well for them.
I'm pretty curious myself to try and find other ways to meet people, I'm shy anyway and that doesn't help much. And I'm too young for the groups in my area (perfectly legal otherwise though).
Ohhhh, I want in this discussion. I don't have time right now.
I joined a dating site that let me know something about sexual preference including spanking. I played the numbers and met many guys one time. I didn't go out a second time with very many.
But by meeting so many, I increased my odds. MG came along and the rest was history.
and that is all she wrote.
SNN
As DW and I were married for about 7 years before we made our first tentative explorations into domestic disipline, I find this one a bit difficult to respond to... neither of us having any idea when we first met of what domestic discpline meant as a lifestyle, or that our relationship might lead there (here).
Naturally that still presented the issue of how to broach the subject in the first place. Even with a very strong and honest relationship, I could not pretend that it was easy, but worth the risk with someone you know you can really trust - which I did by that time.
If that is not your situation, I can imagine it might be easier to be open about your needs before a relationship starts to develop, rather than later, but while it is still forming.
All the best.
Ford
This question is more in my forte. I've found a variety of methods have worked. I do know that the response "You wouldn't dare!" often means, "I dare you to spank me!" just as Mary said.
I've had women be brats around me, I think to see what kind of response I'd give. I've answered, "Keep it up and you'll get a spanking." If they grin, well, you know. If they just go silent, don't bring it up again.
On-line, I've found places that worked for me. At one time, there existed a nice place alt.sex.spanking on Usenet. It became soc.sexuality.spanking eventually. If you wanted to read about good spanking stories, you could go there, or wanted to talk about good spankings. But neither were good places if you wanted to deliver or get a spanking.
It's never been a big overt opening for me. More tentative. But I've never had complaints except, "My butt hurts, you beast!"
:)
The net is a great place to meet. That's how EH and I met....he was called Spanking Services and somehow that attracted me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were able to chat on-line & on the phone for six months which means to get to know someone a damn sight better that a few nights out together. Only snag was that I said I would never meet anyone from on-line so had he not suprised me with smoked salmon & strawberries on Xmas Eve one year we never would have got married!
Since together we have increased our knowledge & social scene by attending spanking parties & fetish fairs but I wouldn't reccomend this alone. I have to say the web worked out for us but anyone should take real care out there.
I still go in spanking chat rooms mainly to get ideas for my stories and talk to like minded people...................another way is to make blog friends!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugggggggs ya all
x x x x
I would echo Tony’s advise “..be HONEST. If you are wanting a spanking relationship don't hide the fact that you are a spanko. If it scares the person away then it wouldn't have worked out as a spanking relationship anyway”. I would add that I think it would be prudent to wait a few dates and see if there are any “sparks” before getting honest.
I happen to live in the Bible Belt and if that has anything to do with non-acceptance of spanking, it went right by my wee male brain.
I would think anyone reading personal spanking enthusiasts ads are themselves a spanking enthusiast. And if they happen to attend your church, maybe that would be a good thing.
Is it really that much different than seeking a mate that also enjoys some other activity that not is viewed as a kink? At one point in my life, I would not have considered any woman that did not relish sailboat racing in addition to spanking.
Don
Okay Bonnie, you must be enjoying a terrific Memorial Day--at least I hope you are. MG has left and now I have time to properly respond to this question and discussion.
As I said before, I met men from an on-line dating site. I believed in myself and was comfortable with who I was. I also trusted my instincts about people. Yes, I played it safe and met guys in public places.
I made 2 exceptions and 1 of those lead to an intimate relationship that lasted several months. Even though his screen name strongly inferred spanking, he wasn't and never will be a spanko. I still hear from him from time to time. The other time was a mistake and I got away unharmed but it was entirely unpleasant.
My point is the danger is greatly removed when you meet in public. There needs to be enough emails and/or phone calls before to get to know someone.
Besides spanking, I was looking for someone educated. That was important to me--very important. My ex was very intelligent but didn't value education. Since I work in that field, it was necessary to find someone that at least semi-agreed with the importance of education. I also think I found a better quality of man that way.
I looked at it this way: you can have great sex, wonderful spankings but if I can't have a decent conversation with a guy, the relationship is doomed.
As I said in my earlier comment, playing the numbers was important. Yes the ratio was 10 men for every woman. So I had plenty to chose from. I looked for someone with a good heart and admirable qualities. I was surprised that I found so many.
I didn't waste months on emails but rather tried to go deep with them quickly to see how they would respond. If I found substance there, I agreed to meet them. The chemistry is something that is or isn't. There was no sense wasting time if there wasn't any chemistry. And I had plenty of men to choose from.
It is now a year later and I still hear from a handful of the men I met. One is waiting for me to break up with MG and it isn't going to happen. I was told many times that there weren't many quality girls on the site so being educated and a woman of quality gave me an edge.
My "bottom" line advice. Don't put your bottom out there until you know the person at more than a cursory level. Ask tough and deep questions. Trust your instincts. Know what you are looking for and what you have to offer. Have enough self-respect and self-esteem to not let anyone take advantage of you.
And most of all have FUN. Sure, maybe I didn't go out with most of the guys a second time but I got to meet them and hear wonderful stories and laugh and have a good time.
It can work when you use common sense, safety rules and are willing to put yourself out there.
I hope that makes sense. Because any other component to it has to be just this: magic.
MG is the magic in my life and he is perfectly suited to what I need. He heals the parts of me that need healing and I do my best to do that for him. We did that by getting to know each other and listening. I love him with my wholeheart and I tell him just as often as I can!
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