Sunday, March 05, 2006

Recap: March 5th Spanko Sunday Brunch

These brunches just get better every week! Let me offer my sincere thanks to all of our wonderful participants. Your wisdom never fails to amaze and inspire.

Question: If you wanted to explain how your relationship operates to a sympathetic but vanilla friend, how would you do so?

Flinchflower: Quite simple, Bonnie. I'd have him read my blog! It's all about me working out how I feel about spanking, after I was able to say out loud that I liked it!

Roper: I've actually tried to do this with a couple of my male friends. They don't really get it. They think it's just about me getting what I want when I need it. Of course they're envious, but I tell them that's not the point. So then they say, well is she a masochist? I have to explain it's not quite that either. It's not that she likes pain. It's that she needs it. She needs it if she is to feel whole and cared for and fulfilled. She needs to concede control. Only by losing herself can she find herself. As for me, it's not mainly a physical thing. I get a jolt of adrenalin from ordering her to kneel and kiss my hand, just as much as from ordering her to kneel for sex. I think they still don't understand. Maybe some of your other readers can pass on some tips!

kk: I love being a slave to my Master. It is the thrill and pleasure I get from not knowing (and sometimes knowing) what Master has planned for me. I get to experience things now that before I could only dream of doing. It is much better living it than just dreaming of it. Life with my Master is never boring!!!

Cuddlybum: OK I asked the beloved for help on this one. He said our relationship is based on trust, love, compromise and all the other bits of a vanilla relationship with a hint of a discipline aspect thrown in.

My ass does NOT agree with that this morning! But he's right. The spanking wouldn't, and couldn't, exist without all of the other stuff. As for the spanking aspect, my friends have seen me go flying off the rails a few times in my life and they're happy enough that I'm managing to stay on for now. If getting my backside reddened is what it takes to keep me out of the morgue/jail/other not nice place, I think they'd be happy (Once they got over asking me how I managed to get into another abusive relationship!).

To be honest, I think I'd follow Flinchflower's example and tell them to read the blog. It’s all in there somewhere! But I really, really don't want to share this with any of my friends ever. I'm still hugely embarrassed about the whole thing in real life!

Our relationship operates just as a vanilla one does, with a few extras thrown in.

Danielle: It depends on the kind of person you wish to tell. If he/she is open-minded, I shouldn't have a problem. If they were really interested and the opportunity was there, I would tell them that I get spanked when I don't behave nicely and when I'm very stressed. If that's OK, possibly I would tell that spanking is an upgrade for our sex life. For some people, you may change the order.

Mike: For us, it's about exciting the other person, and keeping things interesting in the bedroom (or kitchen, or den, or where ever). Whether it's spanking (by far our favorite), bondage, or straight vanilla sex, it's about fulfilling desires.

I've mentioned before we were outed to our friends, and when asked about it I respond, “We've been together a long time, we've tried just about everything you can think of. Some things just require props.”

Tigger: I actually do have a vanilla friend (or so I think!) that I would love to talk to about spanking. So this question is very interesting.

I think that bringing the subject up in conversation would be pretty easy because I actually write spanking stories for an online publisher. Though my friend knows I write these "erotic romances," she doesn't know they are about spanking, and is always asking me what they are about, as well as hinting that she'd love to read them. I usually smile and give her the general idea, sans the part about the spanking, of course. *grin*

Sooooo, were I to actually confess my love of spanking, and tell her that my hubby spanks me quite regularly, I think I would have to explain that it's about more than just getting my bottom reddened, (though that is a huge part of it!!!) but about my desire to explore my submissive side.

Would she understand why being put over my hubby's knee, "held down," and paddled turns me on like it does? I don't know. But it would be fun to find out!

Paul: It depends on the sort of person who is interested. Mel and I talked about this at some length. If the person knew us well, it shouldn't be a problem.

The most important thing is that both partners do the explaining, that way it's easier to prove that it's consensual and that it's an essential part of our relationship. We would point out that it's about love, trust, nurturing, completion and security. I'd then point the individual to some good blogs and web sites, this should do it, if they are reasonable.

Mel's younger sister burst in on us one Sunday and discovered me spanking Mel, she'd had a row with her mum and needed Mel to commiserate with her. Fortunately she knew how much we loved each other, that there was no way I would abuse Mel and that Mel was too strong a character to allow herself to be abused. That was 43 years ago, my sister in law is still alive and one of my best friends, as far as I'm aware she hasn't told a soul.

Rose: Most of my vanilla friends have no idea about my blog or my D/s based relationships. I've tried to explain to a couple friends who are fairly open-minded, mostly by talking about how the spanking or bondage or other play adds spice, fun and adventure to my relationship. The D/s things we share, in my view, make trust, communication, openness and honesty a bigger part of the relationship and, for me, the relationship is better for it. These friends are supportive of my choice, and will tell me they don't understand, but accept this side of me. We ultimately don't talk much about my relationship(s). I find it easier to share that part of my life with people who understand this type of relationship. I think it's difficult for people outside of D/s and spankings to truly grasp that it really can add a great dimension to a relationship.

Master of kk: What kk failed to do was answer the question you ask. We have told a few close friends of ours about her spankings. She even tells them how much she enjoys them. So far everyone is OK with it.

To sit down and tell someone about what we do as a couple at the church brunch might not be as easy.

I think that telling someone you enjoy a good spanking now and then is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as it is something you enjoy and it is done with love and not hate.

I really think it depends on who you are telling - a buddy at the bar or the boss at work. I mean, just think of sitting in a meeting and leaning over and telling your boss, “I wish you would just bend me over this table and spank me hard.” The ease of talking about it depends upon whom you are telling and why.

DWC Mike: Before telling others about our spanking life, I first have to tell my wife about my blogging our spanking life, and my describing my thoughts, and some of hers, and details of my being spanked. This I will do in September, when we are alone without any other family members around.

Janeen: I guess I never really think of our relationship as different from anyone else's, we just have a very fulfilling, satisfying sex life.

I do know that we have a closer relationship than many of our friends. They often comment on how close we are, and ask how we can still be so connected after so many years. I usually smile and say, "I guess we just belong together."

Tom: I love football, fishing and... spanking. It's no use talking to people who are not really interested or promoting those items. No problem however when someone is sincerely interested in information.

Bonnie: Our relationship is, at its heart, an old-fashioned romance. Randy and I were fairly compatible from the beginning and we have grown more so over time. Even after all of these years, we are still in love. I consider myself to be very fortunate in this regard.

Our sexuality includes plenty of kink because we both enjoy those activities. For us, spankings, bondage, submission, and all the rest are sex, every bit as much as intercourse. These practices are a turn on. Even talking or writing about them is arousing. The kinks in our relationship serve to amplify the positive elements that are already present - love, trust, communication, sharing, and a feeling of connectedness.

Storm Rider: I would say that I love my slave so much that I beat her! By the way, I’m really starting to have strong feelings for you!

What do you think? Me neither, but it sure would make the vanilla think! LOL

SpankedMinx: I’ve only ever told my best friend who loved all the stories and then gave it a go with her hubby to no avail. Other than that, I have a high powered job where my colleagues would choke on their coffee if I told them what we get up to!

Patricia: Like you, my husband and I have an old-fashioned love. He was my first and only lover. I think our love is deep and knows no bounds. I actually had a friend ask me if Bill spanks me several months ago. I told her that he did. I didn't hide it. She didn't understand. I told her that I don't understand how her husband could ask her for a bj while waiting in a parking lot for others to arrive. It's the same thing. We each have different acts that we are willing to do and enjoy. I, for one, wouldn't feel comfortable having oral sex with my husband in a public parking lot. She asked about the pain and the embarrassment of getting spanked. My answer was that it's no more embarrassing than having sex in public where all can see. Each of us have different things in life that excite us. To her, the excitement of sex in public carried them through the night and exploded when they got home. For my husband and me, we enjoy spanking. Of course, she thinks it's only for pleasure and didn't ask if my husband discplines me, but that is a story for another day.

Cameo: This provoked a lot of thought. I went into a lot more detail on my entry for today's blog. But I think the whole thing comes down to whether or not the person could accept your choices, if you tell them. If I didn't think the person would be accepting, I wouldn't come out to them. Geez, now I sound like my neighbor's gay son who won't tell his very manly dad about his homosexuality because his dad wouldn't accept his choice. WEG

Thanks again, everybody! We’ll be here again, same place, same time, next week.

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Caia said...

AHHHHh.... I missed it again. I'm gonna give my answer anyway...

I have told one close friend about our spanky kink. She is my closest friend and I felt like I was lying to her or something by not telling her. I just came right out and told her. She thought it was perfectly fine. I also tried to explain that we have been using spanking as discipline. She raised a few concerns, but then said if it made me happy, then she was happy too.

Lee said...

As someone who does not have a relationship (nor have I ever), but knows she wants more than a vanilla one, I have not told anybody. I agree with Caia's comment about gauging the person. I have a few very close friends, but would only consider telling one, as I know the others would view kink, in any kind, as perverted, and weird.

Nikki said...

Bonnie! Thanks for the comment on my blog! I'm going to add a link to your blog on mine! I loved it! Nice to meet a new spanko bud!
I am bummed I missed this, shoulda flown Doug and I there! :)
Hugs & Spanks,

Nikki said...

Oh I thought I should answer the question too. I haven't told many. Obviously Doug knows. My best friend knows too, but I have several other close friends that don't know. I have a few male friends that suspect, and nobody seems turned off. I do have one friend that is SUPER vanilla - she'd NEVER get it. I often wonder if her marriage would be better if they added some fun ;)

Great question!

Anonymous said...

As always, great answers!!!
Loved reading them!!!


Bonnie said...

Caia - Sorry about that!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Lee - Welcome to My Bottom Smarts! I think your perspective is one we probably haven't heard. I hope you will be able to join us next week.

Nikki - Hi, and welcome! No need to add my link. It's already there. That's how I discovered your blog.

I'm sorry you missed the brunch. You are most welcome to join us this Sunday.

Tigger - I agree. Everyone did a great job with the answers. Thanks!

IntricatePieces said...

Oh Bonnie another brunch and anther great question. I'm sorry I didn't get to it this weekend but hopefully there are some left overs and I'll follow suit of those who went before me...

A lot of times I explain to our very vanilla friends that my husband and I have a "traditional" relationship in the sense that he runs the family and I will defer to his decisions out of love and respect. Sometimes I get the questions about wanting to be in charge and I just pointing out to many cooks in the kitchen can ruin the soup (implying that there can only be one HOH) and since S can't cook the kitchen is were I rule my part of the house while the rest is his and we end up laughing.

For the friends that are a little more open minded or kink friendly I go a little more indepth but not much and tell them I would love to answer any questions they may have allowing them to determine how indepth they want to go. If they ask I am completely honest since they are taking the time to learn about the lifestyle.

Not sure if that really answered the question or not...

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