All ladies and gentlemen can feel free to skip this post. I am speaking today to the rogues in our midst. Yes, I do mean you, oh immature thrower of textual molotov cocktails. If you don't know what that means, I hope you will pay special attention.
This post started out as a mailbag segment, but as I reviewed my messages, it quickly degenerated into a rant. I could skewer these half-wits one by one, but Erica does it so much more effectively. What I decided to do instead was provide an example of why I dislike even looking at my mail. These are complete, unedited messages sent to me.
| nice ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love to play with it I'm Sorry I don't know you are. But I had to tell you that in your profile pic, that is one of the most beautiful butts I have ever seen. DAMN YOU ARE ONE SEXY ASS CURVACEOUS LIL QT....MY MY MY Hey sexy bottom, So that bottom hurts when you sit, eh???. well that bottom couldn't handle my spankins Do you play dirty Bonnie? You got a nice perfetc ass and legs for my thick Belt Lets chat thought i would say hi to you also see if you did anything fun on your end last weekend or not also did you sleep well last night may I spread ur butt checks ? nice backside for spanking hey if you want one call on me that is one lovely butt !! I am very pleased to inform you that your bottom must be the most spankable on net. Your jeans cant hide your belly cheeks. By the way, I am 44 years old male from Europe who love all sides of spankings. You find me both on the giver and receiver end. I like role - playing, domestic discipline and spanking for fun etc.... Do not hesitate to send me some words and pics and tell me more about your spanking experiences and preferences. Your ass...PERFECT... The panty lines...MORE PERFECT!!!!! I need a spanking |
Guys, we need to work on this communication thing. I get that you're trying to be friendly and perhaps start a conversation. But this approach will simply never work. Women don't go for it. Not even on your luckiest day.
So if blurting out an ill-conceived one-liner about a woman's physical attributes doesn't get it, what does? Almost anything else would be an improvement. But to be specific, here are some simple guidelines.
- Women are people. Don't treat us like a collection of body parts displayed solely for your titillation.
- A good way to begin a conversation is, “Hello, my name is _______ and I'm also interested in _______.”
- Yes, women are sexual beings too, but we are much more. If you want to connect with a female at any level, try first becoming her friend.
- Context is everything. If you know someone well and they feel comfortable around you, you can be blunt when the situation calls for it. Otherwise, it's better to err on the side of caution.
- Don't assume familiarity when none exists. Just because you've read my blog doesn't mean you know me (or that I know you).
- Most submissives I know direct those feelings toward one person. Even if you think you're über-Dom, you're just another guy to me.
- Don't assume that any compliment will be appreciated. Again, consider the context. If you have no relationship with the woman you are complimenting, even well-intended remarks come off as superficial at best.
- If you choose to introduce yourself, you might first see what you can learn about the person (but please skip the whole creepy stalking routine). For example, anyone who spends ten minutes on my blog will know (a) I am straight, happily married, and completely monogamous, (b) I play only with my husband, (c) I'm kinky, but mostly in terms of being spanked, (d) I never switch, and (e) I like meeting spanko friends. Armed with this information, it's pretty easy to strike up a conversation with me.
- Anyone who cannot figure out how to use spell check is perceived as being an idiot. IM-speak is simply annoying. You won't impress me with that.
- Don't think that a woman is stuck-up because she doesn't answer every drooling cretin who sends her mail. Just look at these messages. There's a real person at this end. Many times, it's easier to hit delete than to try to drag these characters one by one out of the stone age.
- Respect and courtesy aren't mandatory, but they are always appreciated. Asking for a favor will get better results than making a demand.
- Very few women want to hear about your personal measurements, especially in an unsolicited e-mail message. Ditto descriptions of your favorite sex acts.
- Be real. If you represent yourself to be someone you're not, you are less likely to find what you seek.
- Keep it light, at least at first. You can send me your life story if you must, and I might even read it, but I would rather hear about a new spanko friend you met or an implement you tried last week.
We now return to our regular programming.
25 comments :
Well said Bonnie, I hope it helps get the message across.
Well-said, Bonnie, but you're preaching to the choir here. Anyone actually reading this post and comprehending its contents is unlikely to be one of your lascivious and illiterate correspondents.
It all boils down to respect.
Hugs,
Hermione
Bonnie:
*Huge eye roll for ya*
The lack of couth exhibited by the kinds of men who make such inappropriate unsolicited comments never ceases to amaze me. I hope you don't bother to reply to any of them. They are sending out dozens of such emails and comments every week just to get a reaction. You don't make their day. :)
ServingB
Bonnie, you are right on with your tips, although anyone who would send you an email like that probably can't read that many words at one sitting! I have recently joined an online dating site, and it amazes me how many people will offer me REAL contact information in spite of the fact that we've only changed a few one or two sentence messages. Do they really expect me to just call them up out of the blue during the time they are at work?
Great Post Bonnie!!! How completely true!
And yes anyone who reads your blog for more then a few seconds can completely understand that you are a happily married woman whose needs are happily met by your husband.
Hope this cuts down on the obnoxious e-mails.
Of course I agree totally Bonnie, but here's the problem. I suspect the guys who send these messages could care less about YOUR feelings. They are titillating themselves...your blog is simply a vehicle. Thank goodness when it is a cyber come-on we can simply we can hit delete!
Bonnie, m'dear -- When I finally write my book, "How NOT to Communicate on the Internet," will you co-write it with me? You are so freaking brilliant! :-D
Butt checks???????????? I prefer butt polka dots, myself.
Thanks, Bonnie, for trying to perform such a valuable public service. If even one person learns something from this post, it will have achieved its purpose. After all, it looked as though one of those guys can actually read.
I do hope you'll cross post this on Fetlife!
Whether it reaches its intended audience or not, you've helped quite a few of us blow of steam!
Thanks again!
Amen.
Great post Bonnie!
Katia
As a man, these kind of creeps embarrass and irritate me to no end. I agree you're probably preaching to the choir, but you're absolutely spot on.
I could not have said it better. I stopped using an email account over this very issue. Most people I hear from are great, but there are always a few jerks who don't have a clue and will probably never get one. Just one email like that can put me in a bad mood and several of them, can make me want to stop writing altogether. Fortunately/Unfortunately, I am too addicted to writing to actually stop, but I do wish these types could learn to be civilized.
Superbly crafted guidelines, Bonnie.
And I'll second Erica's suggestion that you two team up! -JJ
I want to say that most of those emailers are just trolling, but I'm no longer naive and optimistic enough to believe that.
Very nice reply, though. I might just copy/paste this for use in other blogs (with accreditation, of course) with your permission. The fact that there are actually people who NEED to read this saddens me, but what can you do?
Also, I'm back from my long radio-silence. Hi.
Excellent, well said Bonnie, spot on.
Love,
Ronnie
xx
I loved reading this. As a newbie I wondered if it was just me that got some filthy bits of post but it is all of us.
That should not make me happy but it does make me relieved.
I really liked this one!
You said it well >:-)
XXX
Maria
Might I ask why you have a picture of your bottom on your blog facing the reader, if you don't want it commented on?
If you dress in a miniskirt, don't complain if you get complimented on your legs. In the past,those who considered themselves 'ladies' acted in a certain way, and as a result they got respect. Lastly, while you are married, many women are not. Women in clubs want to be treated different than women who are in LTR's or marriages and your advice clearly doesn't apply to casual hookups. Two of the comments also seem ok, all things considered
The second comment seems relatively respectful to me - the authors sole problem being he didn't read your blog enough to know you were married, the 7th comment seems like the fumblings of someone who is trying to establish the "conversation" you claim all women want.
Now all this being said, the rest of the comments were lame and disrespectful and yes, in general when talking to a woman you know is in a relationship or with whom you have no intention of establishing a sexual relationship your tips would do these guys well.
Being friends first, is, after, how I've made most of my "platonic" friends, and yes, some of my sexual ones as well.
Clarence
With all due respect, I don't think Bonnie is deserving of the above scolding.
Bonnie was not complaining about comments on her bottom. She was fed up with the nature of the comments; the way these men don't bother to introduce themselves, talk with her a bit -- they simply drop a one-liner that reduces her to a body part.
Yeah, we put pictures of our bottoms up on our blogs. Are you saying we invite this crap by doing so? I suppose women who get raped because they were wearing a short skirt "asked for it."
Everyone - Thank you for your understanding and support. I do recognize that the main culprits are unlikely to read the words at all, but *I* feel better having vented my grievances. Better still, anyone else who experiences this problem is welcome to link this post and rant by proxy.
Erica - I'm ready when you are!
Clarence - I should clarify that my issue is not with men commenting on my bottom per se. I'm flattered that they find me attractive. I object to e-mailers who cannot muster a two word introduction and/or assume a familiarity that does not exist.
I also didn't mean to suggest that every one of these e-mails was horrible. I intended to offer a representative sample of my mail.
Thanks for joining our conversation.
I dream of the day when I could be that inarticulate! In the mean time, me try harder...get it? HARDER!
Clarence: She wasn't looking for a man to defend the Penile Position, you know. It's her blog. She can say whatever the hell she wants.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Well said, eloquently put, Bonnie!!!!!
(They won't read, they probably can't, haha, limited intelligence, most pervs!) xxxxxxxx
It feels good to tell off the ignoromi, but of course they won't get it and they won't stop.
Bonnie:
I want to thank YOU for your comment to me and your understanding of what I was , in a fumbling way, trying to say. I was not, for example, trying to say you were not a lady. I was using that time and that "status" as an example of how people get certain reactions depending on the way they present themselves.
As a male who is of the 'switch' persuasion in terms of topping/bottoming with women, I often do (as I don't have a gendered screen name) get many come on's from male Doms who think I am a female, and the occasional lesbian looking for an adventure of some sort. While most have been polite some are indeed of the "get on your knees, bitch" or the infamous penis picture type so I do know what many women go through on the net. Thanks for clarifying your stance on comments about your bottom: You are not one of those who insists on wearing whatever they want, whenever they want and expecting no comments, stares , or indeed reaction at all from random men. I respect that degree of responsibility in a woman.
Ericka: I'm way past the feminism 101 stage (Finally Feminism 101 blog, check it out) so I don't need any implication that I'm a rape apologist for positing that people react to how you present yourself in this world. But since you probably would feel free to assume, I will clarify that no matter how one dresses , rape is never "justified". Thanks for playing.
Craig: I felt it useful to insert my own view point into the discussion. Ironically Bonnies gracious and substantiave reply to my poorly articulated points has increased my respect for her and I do see what she is saying as opposed to an almost entitlement mentality on the part of some women of the "I'll put it out there, but don't you dare look or comment pig" type.
Just my opinion. You are welcome to yours.
My only counterpoint to Bonnies list would be to tell men that in general being friends first will get you placed in the friends category forever and to mention that hookups operate a bit differently than trying to establish ltr, even just of the blogging type. As a young stripling I did not know these things and it cost me much misery, so for the benefit of other males who might be in my former position I thought I'd respectfully mention it.
Clarence
I've always hated these kinds of messages but tried to look on the bright side and see them as creeper filters. :)
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