Sunday, January 17, 2010

MBS Spanko Brunch #209


Welcome back to our spanko brunch. We gather here each week to consider a different aspect of our favorite pastime.

Back in the early days of this blog, a friend asked me if I could write a tutorial about submission. My first thought was, "That's a great idea. Some readers would probably find it helpful." Soon afterward, though, I realized that there are few absolutes when it comes to submission. It is a very individual sort of experience.

Even so, I believe there is benefit in sharing our respective realities. I never wrote that tutorial, but perhaps all of us working together can shed some light on the subject of submission.

Here are four thoughts. Do you agree? Why or why not?
  1. It's always been a fascinating paradox that I get what I most desire when I surrender my control.

  2. Submission is not an all or nothing proposition. There are many ways to submit and many degrees of submission for each.

  3. It requires considerable courage and faith to submit. Once established, these qualities are often quite beneficial in other aspects of life.

  4. Everyone who willingly receives a spanking is submitting at some level.

So what do you think? I invite you to share your views in the form of a comment below. Once everyone has had a chance to speak, I will post an edited summary.

11 comments :

Sara said...

Great questions Bonnie! I answered over on my blog.

Sara said...

Hmmm,OK, that did not work. I somehow linked back to you. Let's try that again:

www.Findingsara@wordpress.com

:)

Anonymous said...

Oh, my, these questions are deliciously thought-provoking!

I am headstrong. I hate to be spanked hard. I need to be spanked hard often. I love the feeling afterward! That's my paradox, so question one's phrasing spoke right to me.

Yes to question two; different strokes for different folks, but that being said, I've often come home from a hard day's work to find my boyfriend ordering me over his knee. Before I went ass over tea kettle/bottoms up, I would have sworn that I hadn't an ounce of energy left in me. After he's through (and that might entail his using implements as well as his hand, even a dessert course of anal intercourse) I'm left renewed, relaxed, revitalized. Sometimes that turns into a marathon session of discipline/love-making, and in the morning, I feel like I got a full nine hours of sleep. So sometimes it IS all or nothing.

The word "trust" should be added to question three's wording, and I agree wholeheartedly.

I don't see how anyone could disagree with number four. If you are willing receiving it, you're submitting. I willingly submit to playful foreplay spankings. Part of me willingly submits when I bend over for painful punishment spankings. It is just shades along the spectrum.

These are some of the deepest questions; I hope it produces one of the best brunches ever.

Jean Marie

littleone said...

*It's always been a fascinating paradox that I get what I most desire when I surrender my control.

>i am not sure i understand the paradox and not sure i would even want to try..... all i know is that when i surrender life runs smoothly when i try to run it (life) it all gets a bit bumpy

*Submission is not an all or nothing proposition. There are many ways to submit and many degrees of submission for each.

> that is something i am still learning .. and quite truthfully thank goodness for the internet that has bordened my world more than i ever imagined.... best explain i never imagined there were folks who only like spanking and not (what i considered the whole package) D/s

*It requires considerable courage and faith to submit. Once established, these qualities are often quite beneficial in other aspects of life.

> that is definitely a lesson i am STILL learning... but submission is a quiet strength that can and will bring peace and joy in every day life - bdsm and vanilla

*Everyone who willingly receives a spanking is submitting at some level.

> i keep thinking (over this bit) "duhhhh" obviously !! BUT then is it obvious to those that only receive a spanking once in a while?? i am thinking they may not see it that way... and might even get a wee bit angry to see submit and spank in the same sentence.

But yeah i believe there is a form of submission even in an occasional spanking.


morningstar (owned by Warren)
http://wtsubbie.blogspot.com/

Love4her said...

It's always been a fascinating paradox that I get what I most desire when I surrender my control.

If “surrender my control” means to give up desiring what it seems I can not have and being happy with what I do have yes. The desire for what I think I want (kinks) can seem to almost torment me at times and make me very disgusted, dissatisfied and empty, even given all I do have. When I can stop and look at all that is right and realize you can’t have it all, I feel pretty good.

Submission is not an all or nothing proposition. There are many ways to submit and many degrees of submission for each.

This I agree with wholly. There are many things I would like to submit to and a lot I would want nothing to do with. I want to submit with limits. Perhaps that is not submitting but topping from the bottom. I suppose, with a lover that was intimately in tune with my desires and kinks, had my pleasure in mind along with hers, I would submit totally. No script, totally improvisation. Trust me, I don’t have to worry at this point with my wife

It requires considerable courage and faith to submit. Once established, these qualities are often quite beneficial in other aspects of life.

For me, I think this is reversed... I think ones courage to submit and faith that the person they submit to will respect the relationship and them, comes from qualities that are beneficial in other aspects of life, specifically the relationship between the dom and the sub. Qualities like trust, honesty, love and commitment. I would not want to submit to someone outside of those bounds. One could choose to pay for a session of submission with a professional mistress, or find a community of like minded with out their spouse, but not me. I would much rather share this intimate part of myself and literally give myself to my wife, the one I love and that loves me in return. It could be all sex play or go as far as domestic discipline.... But it would be the two of us.

I feel closest to my wife when I am confessing some desire, some kinky and taboo deisre. I am laying myself bare seeking her approval, her willingness to play along and be part of something that is special and unique about me. I am not sure she appreciates the level of trust it takes to share like that.

Everyone who willingly receives a spanking is submitting at some level.

This too I agree with. You submit but when it gets to stinging you might wonder why the hell you did it.... but it feels so good to give up control.... to be dominated... to have someone else decide when “enough is enough” or when it is not and you need more..

Sunflower said...

Very thought-provoking questions this week, Bonnie! My take is a bit different, as a spanko who is still very much in the discovery stages and hasn't yet recieved a "real" spanking (though happily my boyfriend and I are talking about it and it looks like we're going to be getting there fairly shortly!)

1. I haven't found this one to be true. I can see where it is in other examples, but as someone still taking baby steps (and leading my partner in those steps) I still have a lot of control, out of necessity. I hope I will find this to be true in my relationship in the future, though.

2. I definitely agree! A safeword for one thing is a degree.

3. Yes, yes, yes! Even with the few small steps I've taken I can see how it's affecting other parts of my life beneficially.

4. I would agree with this one. To willingly get your ass smacked is a submissive move. Depending on the relationship that might be the extent of it, but it is in and of it's self an act of submission.

(PS I've commented before as anonymous, but I've now chosen to use the moniker "sunflower" on my blog commenting- a small step out of the woodwork!)

Hermione said...

I agree with all four statements.

1. It's always been a fascinating paradox that I get what I most desire when I surrender my control.

This was the hardest of the four points to answer. For me, I think it has a lot to do with my husband's tendency to do the opposite of what I want. As long as I try to be in control and call the shots, he resists. When I let him take charge, things usually resolve to my satisfaction. Once the struggle for control is eliminated, he is more receptive to my point of view.

2. Submission is not an all or nothing proposition. There are many ways to submit and many degrees of submission for each.

That's true. There are many types of relationship dynamics possible, ranging from total submission and absolute obedience to token obedience if and when it suits, and everything in between. It depends on what works for an individual couple. The type of submission may also vary from day to day depending upon the circumstances.

3. It requires considerable courage and faith to submit. Once established, these qualities are often quite beneficial in other aspects of life.

I have definitely seen the benefit of submission in all parts of our relationship. Once I freely and consistently adopted a submissive attitude, I began to receive the respect, trust and admiration that I had always hoped for.

4. Everyone who willingly receives a spanking is submitting at some level.

The act of baring one's bottom and undergoing a spanking is by its nature a submissive act. The fact that the spanking is exciting and that the receiver craves it, enjoys it and is turned on by it does not lessen this fact. Submission is simply part of the parcel.

Anonymous said...

I want to key in on the levels of submission, and a technique that clearly communicates the present desire/need. It does so without the mood kill of having to verbally articulate extent in order to get both partners on the same wave length. When she needs or wants a spanking my woman wears panties coded by color to how hard and long it is to be. i.e. light pink, light swats. Red, harder. Dark red, even more severe. Deep crimson, a real marathon. When I feel the need to spank her, or observe she deserves it, I hand her a pair of panties. Again colored to the mood and type of session deemed necessary and/or desirable. By color coding the panties, the stage is set, without the embarrassment or discomfort of having to go into expositions about length and severity. As always, both partners must agree. This builds trust, promotes communication and avoids abuse. Boundaries are a shifting sands scenario. Trust is King. It is obtained, developed and retained by comfortable communication. Without trust there can be no intimacy of any type.

jslittlelady said...

This was a very interesing topic and really made me think about things. I agree especially with 1,3&4
I wrote a whole post on 1 here's my paradox that hit me like a brick. Surrendering power and control through submission is empowering and brings me to a place where I am so much more in control of my surroundings.
2. for me that is true to a point when put in comparison with everyone else but I cant say this about myself I'm either all submissive or not submissive at all. I can't be submissive by physically obeying but not obeying in my heart. and when you think about 4, in relation to point number 2 I can bend over for a spanking but until my heart and attitude are submissive I usually can't stop fighting receiving the spanking, but when I do then I've finally been truly submissive. It may not be that way for everyone . It's just that way for me in my experiences. and a huge absolute for point 3 it says all it needs to say all by itself.

SPANKEDHORTIC said...

Answers

1/ Yes I agree, the paradox is most acute because for me to submit the Top has to have my whole hearted consent. By giving up control to her I am getting what I want but the situation can only happen because I have total control over the "yes or no" as to the play happening in the first place.

2/ Oh yes, just looking at the people who submit who have commented here, we see sub's, bottoms, slaves. The varieties of submissiveness are boundless and can alter as play partners change or for those in an exclusive partnership, evolve as their play and relationship progress.

3/ This one is where the male and female subs and bottoms differ. There are very few women who could stop me from walking away from a play scene, if it where going badly. Therefore I am able to take a little more risks when choosing a play partner. For a woman, there partner may be physically more able than them and so they have to have a greater level of faith in a partner before they play with them and therefor might develop a greater sense of courage and faith, that they can use in other areas of their lives, than a male sub or bottom would.

4/ Yes we all are.

Prefectdt

Mija said...

Hi Bonnie,

Interesting topic. Okay, let's try this then.

1. Yes, but I've been jaded enough not to be surprised by this. I am always pleased to remember how much my partner is into this as well -- good to know it's not just all about me.

2. I do agree that submission can be a matter of degree. For me though, it is all or nothing. I don't have headspace for semi-submission. That said, I'm not submissive all that often with anyone other than P.

3. I'm not sure. I think trust is important, but it as well as courage has to go both ways. I don't really see the issue of "faith" coming into it at all for me.

4. Disagree strongly. There are plenty of people who are sensation players, including those who are tops or masters who like the sensation of receiving a spanking. I've watched bottoms / submissives and slaves give spanking to their other half at that person's direction. The spanking in these cases is a personal service, imo. The person receiving the spanking in those circumstances is no more "submitting" than I "submi"t to the woman who gives me a pedicure every other week.

In a pinch, I've spanked friends and they've spanked me because one or the other of us has wanted a spanking. There hasn't been submission there, at least so I noticed, at all. It's been all about the physical act. I don't believe someone can submit unless there's someone on the top side to submit to. Otherwise, as a kid, I submitted to myself when I solo spanked.

I think the word "submission" has to mean something more than just receiving a physical sensation. It's an act of surrendering the self to another. Just for myself, I've bottomed to a number of people, but submitted only to a very few.

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