Sunday, September 07, 2008

MBS Spanko Brunch #138

Please come in, grab some coffee and a snack, and have a seat. We're here again today to talk about the subject on all of our minds. Our topic this week deals with one aspect of fine tuning a spanking relationship.

If a spankee desires a longer or more intense spanking experience, is it acceptable for them to ask or suggest during or after a session? Does the context of the spanking or the nature of the couple's relationship affect your answer? If asking is permitted, what do you believe is the most appropriate approach for such requests? If not, can a spankee convey their preferences in non-verbal ways such as wiggling their bottom during a spanking or setting out a particularly effective implement beforehand?

To add your voice, you can leave a comment below. Once everyone has had a turn, I will post an edited summary of our conversation.


Em said...

Hi Bonnie. In our relationship the answer is yes and for pretty much the first year of said relationship I did just that.

For me, it was the first time I had received spankings as punishments. For Jack, it was a matter of learning my limits. We both found that it helped for me to let him know when a spanking fell short of what I needed.

We had a couple of different methods for communicating this, although they just seemed to be what came naturally to us it was never specifically planned or discussed. Usually it came up while we were cuddling after the spanking - I was generally not brave enough to say anything while in the process of being spanked!
Often I'd just mention that I thought I deserved a bit more, but sometimes he would ask if felt better and understand that a less than enthusiastic response meant a little more was needed.

This seemed to work quite well for us. Jack was understandably hesitant to go all out when we first started seeing each other until he had a better idea of what I could take. I, having my first experiences at discipline spankings, was still learning what made them a productive experience for me.

Of course, over time we've acclimated to each other and we're both pretty good at reading each others signals now. Every now and then, though, I'll still ask for an encore performance and he's always happy to give me one :)

Maryann Sloan said...

I have wiggled my bottom, bratted, and asked directly for more spankings. Sometimes I have wanted more, but chose to accept the gift he gave me without further comment. Sometimes he has given me more than I thought I could take. Each time is different. I like the out-of-control aspect of being spanked, so I only ask for more if it is appropriate to the playful nature of the game. I'd never want him to feel criticized for his gift of love!'

pmduo said...

I think it really depends on the relationship. While generally he makes the decision about what to spank with, how long, etc., if I feel before we start that I want something more intense I'll tell him very clearly what I want. Communication is important to both of us, especially around spanking and not speaking out, would I think be harmful for our relationship.

I think in a punishment spanking it would be different but we've never done that so I can only speculate. It seems like in that case all the control would go to the person doing the spanking. But again, I think it really would depend on the relationship and situation.

Daisy said...

I think we spankees have many ways we can "convey our preferences" without the need to directly ask; though this may work for some, its not the way our dynamic operates. I find it thrilling and immensely sexy for him to be in control, yet I want to retain that control; sorry if that sounds confusing, but, I AM a woman!
I will remain bratty and filled with attitude until I decide I have had enough...yet, if he stops as soon as I become contrite, I have "won the battle" (for I can become remorseful at will!!!!its one of my good tricks...);no, he needs to continue just to prove HE is in charge.... and he is amazingly good at reading me, considering we have only spent a month in each others company for real,in nearly 3 years!
I don't like to ask directly for more, it ruins the whole idea in my head! I have to "NOT WANT" it, to enjoy it... hugs, xxx

Heather said...

I have a hard time just flat out asking, so even though it IS okay for me to I almost never do. Besides, we have a young child. It isn't easy to work around her even if I felt like I could ask.

By the way, Bonnie, thanks for posting on my blog. And thanks to anyone else who may have posted since I last looked.

Dr. Ken said...

As far as I'm concerned, it's perfectly okay to ask before, during or after for how much spanking she wants. You should be free to ask for what you want in a relationship--even though it may be difficult at times. But I would certainly encourage it--I know very few tops who are going to turn down a request for "more spanking, please" (unless, of course, there's a very good reason for doing so).
With one lady I knew, it was simple--When I thought "that's probably enough", I would say to her, "Now are you going to behave?" and if she wanted more, she'd reply, "Maybe...."

Dr. Ken

Paul said...

Bonnie, with my partner I had to be careful with requests for more. As a masochist she often wanted more than I was willing to give.
I was able to judge what she needed and gave short of injury.
She was well aware of my concerns, as long as she was regularly spanked she was mainly happy.
Warm hugs,

Anonymous said...

For me and my partner spankings are carried out for two reasons - as a roleplay "just because" or as foreplay before sex.

The former has a given scenario and it can be difficult, even spoil the fun, if I was to say "more, harder" when I'm meant to reluctantly "take what I deserve". You hardly hear someone caught red-handed beg for more punishment, do you? However, if the play so to say just tickle my senses I may afterwards give him a mischievious pleading look and ask "again?" which usually means that he either continues to play in the same type of role and convey another made up sin for which I deserve a spanking, or fall out of character and actually asks me what I want.

This is almost like setting a child free in a toy store, coz this means he's alright with giving me whatever - yay!

The latter, foreplay, means that we are more flexible, and since the aim is to turn us both on both him and me can make little suggestions. Luckily we've come to a point when he can tell from my sounds and body language whether I want more. If I for instance move my hips almost as if having intercourse he knows to intensify the spanking. I like to come to the point when I don't want more, rather am struggling not to beg him to stop, and that means my body language is rather a strained cramp, arching my back to get away.
/Major Mischief

Hermione said...

I believe it is completely appropriate for the spankee to make requests if specific needs are not being met. Making those requests is another matter, because often it isn't easy. I prefer to let Ron take charge of the spanking and will rarely interrupt to ask for something during one. I may talk about it afterward, telling him what I liked, and maybe suggesting a change for the next time.

Communication is something that is continuously evolving between us. I am finding it easier to ask for what I want, and Ron is becoming increasingly sensitive to my needs. He will adjust his activity based on my reaction so I don't have to ask.

If I feel stressed and know I need more attention than usual I will let Ron know before we begin, and might suggest an implement that we don't usually use because of its severity. Then he takes control and gives me exactly what is necessary to leave me feeling peaceful, relaxed, and sore.


Radagast said...

I don't put a restriction on what a person I'm playing with can ask for or convey before or after a session (even during if they need to). For the most part, I'm playing because I enjoy it and I'm presuming that the bottom is enjoying it as well. The experience should be what both people want rather than something that's dictated by the Top (unless that is what the other person desires). I have no protocols nor rules regarding how anyone can talk to me outside of what is happening in a scene that has been decided ahead of time. There are times when a person I'm spanking gives me non-verbal or verbal cues during a spanking - bratting is often an example - and that's fine as well (assuming I pick up on it).

Brambleberry Blush said...

It's important to me to maintain the illusion of being dominated during a spanking, so I would never verbally ask for more. I am not above making sounds, sweet moans, and arching my back, to say, "keep going!" When I'm done, I mentally check out and become very still. My husband knows me and is perspective enough to read the signs.

If I haven't been spanked in awhile and am feeling the need, it's relatively easy to get him to notice a cute little skirt or a smart mouth. He knows what's called for.

Mary said...

Exciting how experience allows couples to grow to understand each other's signals. I've been known not to get off his lap when being sent to the corner -- I don't know if it is the wanting of more, or just liking how it feels to be close and safe. Either way, not following directions usually results in a blistering onslought of more spanks. Since he doens't like to have his role challenged much -- I am usually quite ready to go to the corner next time I am directed. Also -I can ask for more -- and there is the difference between enthusiastic promises to to better, vs, the "I'll try to do better" that he seems to clue in on as an indication of if the job is done.


It is not only acceptable but vital that a bottom communicates this kind of desire to a top.

During the first few plays with a new top I find verbal communication not only acceptable but vital, to find the desirable level of play.

Over time this usually develops to reading body language and mutual knowledge of each other.

I believe that it is unreasonable for a bottom to expect a top to come equipped with a crystal ball or an ability to mind read. It is the responsibility of a bottom to communicate with a top.


Erotica said...

Hi Bonnie,
In our relationship my wife likes to be spanked, then when its bright red I will massage and lick her.
There is not really any sign she wants it, it justs happens. Of course I never hurt her, its a love thing with us


A.S.S. said...

t's not only accepted, but it's preferred that a spankee speak up if she wants a longer or more intense spanking. I welcome it without question... minus a discipline spanking (not that I think such a request would be made anyway, lol).

Few spankees every speak up in such a direct way though. I think it would impact their headspace to come right out and say "spank me harder, please." So, I like to *ask questions*... especially when getting to know a spankee. I also think non-verbal cues work well too. Picking an implement and body language are two good ones that you've already mentioned. Bratty is another... as is just talking. If I hear a spankee talking about the weather... lol... I figure it's a safe bet that she's looking for something harder.


Thomas_III said...

It's always permissible to ask for or hint at a longer or harder spanking. How you go about it depends on your relationship, and the context of the spanking in question.

If it's a playful spanking, like the kind that you might get or give at a party for bratting, then the simplest way to get it longer or harder is to simply keep bratting while you're over their knee. There is nothing like pretending to sleep or otherwise be unaffected by the current intensity to get the spanker to up the ante. If you want to feel a certain implement, then reach over and toss it out of his reach. Yes, it postpones the moment, but as soon as it's back in his hands, and be prepared to have to fetch it yourself, you can bet that it's going to be used on you. And there's nothing better than a last second bratting attempt to make the spanker decide that he's not really done and continuing instead of stopping before you're ready for him to.

For more formal spanking play sessions, simply asking for the level of play that you want ahead of time, such as during negotiations when playing at a party, works wonders. Be vocal during your spanking. If you want to feel a certain implement, ask if he'll show you how it feels. If it's not hard enough, ask him to show you what it can really do. If you want a longer session, set aside a certain amount of time for the session, letting him know that you expect the full allotted time to be used.

The most important thing is to never try to be subtle. We can sometimes be dense if you don't smack us over the head with what you want, so keep hints simple, or we may miss the message.

Anonymous said...

I think in a loving relationship the partner should be able to read the other partner's needs. Should be able to - not always; there will always be misunderstandings. In theory, there is no problem with asking for what you need but with something so complex as the desire to be dominated and spanked it is contradictory in certain kinds of play to ask explicitly.

Personally, if I want a spanking, I'll bend over in front of him or somehow place my bottom in his eyeline, temptingly. Or sometimes, I'll pop him one, a light slap on his ass usually gets a "Wrong way round" response and I end up turned over his lap.

If it looks like he's going to let me off too lightly and I want more than I'm going to get, I purr and moan and generally make it clear that I am loving every stroke.


Greenwoman said...

I have partners who take the time to get to know my body and responses and they are also always checking in with me to see if I want more. I'm actually asked about it always, so I don't need to worry about not getting enough. I've only been told I can't have more once. I was bodily lifted and taken to the shower, where I came down and promptly agreed with his assessment. *smiles*

Bonnie said...

Randy has absolutely no problem with me asking for more, regardless of the timing, situation, or method. The only trouble such a request causes is when I attempt to sit after the spanking. He takes such occasions as full license to deliver extra hard swats using his favorite implements.

He knows that I know what happens when I ask for more. I know he knows I know. So when I make such a request, it comes with a complete understanding of the consequences. Sometimes, though, we both know that a very sore, very red bottom is just what I need.

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