Sunday, June 11, 2006

MBS Spanko Brunch #21

Welcome back dear brunchers! Brunchies? Brunchos and brunchettes? Maybe not...

In any case, I'm glad you came to join our Sunday spanko discussion. For those who are new to this concept, each week, we address a topic related to our favorite recreational activity. I'll pose a question and invite you to share your perspectives. Once everyone has contributed, I will post an edited summary of the proceedings.

You can add your response as a comment below, e-mail your answer, or post it on your own blog and give me the link. The choice is yours.

Today's question was inspired by several of our blogging sisters. For the past week or so, Tigger has been pondering the true meaning of submission. I recommended two outstanding essays on the subject. Bethie posted an beautiful description of submission as it operates in her relationship with SpankBoss. Shortly thereafter, CeeCi independently posted a completely different, but equally wonderful, account of her own submission.

Using these fine words as our starting point, our topic is submission:

What does submission mean to you? Do you currently practice any form of submission? If so, how does it operate in the context of your relationship? If not, are you inclined to try it?

I look forward to learning about your thoughts on this timely topic.


padme said...

Great question, bonnie. I am a submissive to Master Anakin. We live a 24/7 TPE relationship. I think for submission means giving him total control of the house, decisions and responsibilities. It goes beyond sex for me. It's with me at all submission to him.
Just because I am submissive to him doesn't mean I am submissive to all men. I can be a strong woman most of the time. To him though, I am submissive and I love it! :)
Hope your enjoying your weekend, bonnie.

thevikingswife said...

What does submission mean to you? Everything. It means I feel complete. Safe, loved, cared for. For me submission means laying my will prostrate at my Master's feet. Letting my submission feed on his dominance and vice versa. Submission is knowing someone has to be the leader. Submission is being at peace with another being in control of you. Submission means I have chosen to follow him and have given myself to him 100% in all things. I can never deny him because I have chosen to trust him and follow him no matter what, no matter where it takes us.

Do you currently practice any form of submission?
Yes....I try to be submissive in all things to my Master.
If so, how does it operate in the context of your relationship? It operates well. We came together knowing exactly what we wanted from the relationship. I know what is expected of me and Master knows what I need from him to feel submissive. It works for us because we know that it is a two way street. Him being dominant in no way means that he gets all and does nothing. My being submissive does not mean I give all and get nothing. Mostly it operates well because we have communication.


IntricatePieces said...

Bonnie this is a great question and and one that is really dear to me... I wrote my own little essay on this years ago so if it's okay I'll just post an excerpt and the link so I don't take up way to much of your space...

"It is a desire to surrender totally and completely with all that I am and all that I am capable of being. It is a need so great that it is just as vital to my life as it is for her heart to beat within my chest. Can life exist without the heart and its capacity to love? If it could, would it be worth living?"

Mike said...

Another thought provoking question. I hope you have plenty of room on the blog, Bonnie. There won't be a shortage of short answers to this one.

We don't proctice submission in our relationship. For us, it's rare, but occasionally in some fantasy we are playing out in the bedroom.

I think submission is giving over your will to another person. Accepting their decisions without question. Submission is something you give to someone else, but it has to be equally accepted. You can submit to someone who does not acknowledge and encourage it. Just giving over control is one thing, and can be purely physical, but submission is just as much, or more mental.

Not having practiced it from either side, my experience is limited, but I have thought about it, and read a lot from people who do live it. It certainly fires more than a few fantasies of mine.

Can't wait to read all these answers.



Bonnie said...

I define submission as a desire to be led by another and to place their needs ahead of one's own. Submission and its mirror image, dominance, take many forms. Some may be perceived as extreme, but others are quite innocuous. For many submissives, spankings can provide an outlet for those feelings.

I consider myself to be basically submissive, at least in the bedroom. Specifically, my husband decides when and how I am spanked. I willingly accept his judgment and whatever spankings he chooses to administer. We’ve had many years to experiment and refine our relationship. This is the arrangement that works best for us.

Outside the bedroom, our roles are not so clearly defined. On some subjects, he unquestionably leads. Others are my domain. Again, this division has developed naturally over the course of many years. It might not work for another couple, but we're happy.

rose said...

another thought provoking question. i think submission takes on many forms, depending on the couple, what each is looking for, trust.......for me, being submissive means, first and foremost, pleasing my whatever form that takes. whether it's anticipating his needs, like wanting a drink, or giving my body to him for his pleasure, trusting him enough to surrender my own need to control and letting him take that control. presently the D/s relationship i have defines our sexual relationship. he gets what he desires.......the wonderful thing is that what he desires is that i am happy, sated, well-taken care of. the true hallmark of a good dom (i believe). and my focus is always to make sure he is happy, contented, pleased. being submissive to him, giving myself to him, being's the true calm in my world. it's what sets my cloak back on track and makes me smile.

Weasel said...

I found my submissive side in a short-lived relationship 2 years ago. It was easy to trust him, and let him take control. I loved to let him dominate me, it wasn't like he had to force it on me. He took it slow because he knew I'd never been in a relationship like that before. He also loved me graciously and deeply. It was a relationship I could have stayed in forever had the true love of my life not reappeared after an 8 year absence.
That's another question to ponder - Why does the heart choose as it chooses? It only took an afternoon visit after 8 years to know that I had no business in any relation with any other man than that one right there who still totally owned my heart after all those years.
No digressing - on being submissive? I am submissive to my man, even though being submissive is a thing he doesn't require of me. He knows I love to be spanked, it makes him laugh, and if I ask, he spanks me. He loves me enough to do that even though it's not really his thing. I would like it if he wanted to play the role of a creative D, but for nothing would I trade the love we have between us.

jeanmarie said...

I think that to be in a D/s relationship 24/7 would be easier than what most of us struggle with today. In that type of equation, the rules and roles are clear. For my lover & me, we're constantly working out the rules and roles. Even in the bedroom, I'll come on in challenging ways to provoke Kyle to conquer my defiance/willfullness. That's just my personality. Relationships were clearly deliniated for my mom & dad's generation. Imagine Wally & the Beaver walking into their parents bedroom to see Ward wielding a paddle, and June with only her apron on; a butt plug inserted and her cheeks crimson, nipple clamps and a ball gag in place...Hummm, I want to imagine that image awhile longer, excuse me...
Jean Marie

Tigger said...

Dear Bonnie,

How appropriate a topic for me since I’m still feeling the lingering, surreal effects of sub-space from last night’s adventure!

What does submission mean to me? I’ve come full-circle and have learned that for me, it is about me, first and foremost. It is about me trusting myself and my partner enough to completely let go of every facet of my being. I AM submissive, though I often fight and rebel against it. That is part of the submission, too, for if there were no challenge, how could it be real? And if it isn’t worth fighting for or raging against, it hardly seems a worthy venture. It is a gift freely given, fully shared, completely appreciated and never underestimated or minimized.

Do I currently practice any form of submission? Um-hmmm... like I said, I am indeed reveling in sub-space now, as I write this. Most of the time it is a subtlety in our lives, a given that is rarely challenged or consciously brought to the surface. We started with millions of rules, with intense, rigorous, unrealistic structure and gradually abandoned most of that, replacing it with a natural flow that has become our lives. It took us many years to get here, and we are still working to improve on the dynamics and it changes constantly to meet our needs. But the submission, my submission, is always there and I really don’t think that we would last without it. I need it even more than he does...

How does my submission operate in the context of our relationship? It is a mutual understanding, an acceptance, a way of life without complex rules and strictures. But it is there, nonetheless, beneath everything and it is the undercurrent of who we are and how we live. In the bedroom it is at its most prominent, because it is there that I most need to give him control and he most needs to take it from me. It is there, too where I have the most difficulty letting go and trusting myself, so it is only natural that it is there where he takes the firmest hand. He is my sanctuary, my solace, my protector and my best friend. And although am always here for him, I exist in our relationship for myself as much as for him, because my submission is my greatest gift to myself, above all else.


Anonymous said...


Outside of spanking, I'm not really a submissive, and my hubby says that he wouldn't want me to be.

Now, during a spanking, I love being submissive. I love the feel of my hubby's hand on my back, or his arm when he wraps it around my waist to hold me in place while I squirm. And I especially love when he traps my legs with his while he spanks me. On that same note, I also love when he tells me to "go get my paddle" or "assume the position" for a spanking in that sexy voice of his.

So, while my being submissive in our daily life wouldn't work for us, I do love practicing it in the bedroom.


Paul said...

"Dominance and submission are gifts that the partners give each other, they don't imply strength or weakness, they complete each partner and make the sum of the partnership greater than the sum of the two parts."
That is part of what I wrote to a friend a couple of days ago.
My Mel was a very strong character in her professional life, I am very similar.
Our D D was 24/7, our D/s was mainly in the bedroom, Mel wasn't collared, didn't consider herself owned.
We supported each other like the two parts of an arch our D/s was the KEYSTONE of our marriage and held us together until the day she died.
Every couple is unique, each person's take on this will be different.
You've done it again Bonnie, always interesting, thank you.

Mary said...

When I first explored my desire to be spanked, I believed it had nothing to do with submission for me, except in the moment. In our relationship, submission is a gift given freely - he did not "expect" it as a condition of the relationship outside of submitting to a spanking when I needed one. I now find a certain peace in submission. At times I can get myself spinning out of control – so he has set some rules designed to keep me grounded - no computer games (as I can play for hours when I get overwhelmed), I am limited on my time to internet search for spanking pix and stories, no masturbating without permission, keep the house tidy. Simple stuff, mostly originating out of my own confessions about what starts me spinning out of control. (Or what I do when I start feeling out of control). He tells me, when I am over his knee that he wants my feet planted firmly the ground. (Although usually in those moments my feet are kicking wildly). I ramble - sorry.
Submission to me is letting go of my willfulness and obeying his authority. As I have grown to trust his care, I realize that I feel an ease of heart when I do offer submission. Authority is natural to him, yet he tells me that my willing submission simplifies it for him.
Because of the distance between us, I go many days, weeks even, on my own, fully in charge of every moment of my own actions. This creates difficulty transitioning to submission and acceptance of his authority when he does come to visit.
A couple of months back, I had gotten completely out of control and needed desperately for him to restore discipline to my life. On that particular visit he stated he wanted my waiting over the arm of the couch, so that he could take his belt to my behind immediately upon arrival. I deserved it and more importantly, needed it and did as I was told. During that encounter, I realized that the act of presenting myself in such a way helped me to transition from 95% independent, conflicted and in charge self to 100% submissive, confident and relaxed self. For him the freedom to come in and unwind, bare my behind, spank at his leisure helped him to relinquish the pressures of his day. He said he felt the fatigue melting and felt comfortable just to be with me. It made me happy to know that my submission eased his mind and allowed him to focus on us more readily.
Since then, that is how I wait for his arrival, no matter my behavior; I wait bent over. I do not speak unless spoken to, I do not question how much I will receive, I do not get up or question when it will start or be over. I have a glass of wine ready for him, and sometimes he bares my behind spanks, and sits a while then resumes. I submit to his will entirely. As much as I long to jump up and kiss him when he walks in the door, demonstrating my submission is better for both of us. The stage is set so that my only duty is to submit to his pleasure from the first moment of his visit. No more awkward transitions and time wasted with my uncertainties. The pressure is off of me; I feel comfort knowing that I am doing what makes him happy simply by being obedient. I like being relieved of responsibility of how the evening will go in that way. He also is relieved of the pressure of reading my moods - and knowing how to spend our evening together - it starts out with him so completely in charge that instantly he is comfortable with knowing that anything he asks for is my pleasure to give. We get so precious few hours together –this simple act of submission seems avoid wasting it with uncertain moments of transitioning from busy professional lives to our life together. Having the balance restored so immediately allows us to enjoy each other on all levels and accentuates the pleasure of time together. For us submission is a gift.

kk said...

Submissive has many meanings. For me it means giving my Master total control of my body and soul to do as he pleases. Being under my Master's control makes me feel safe and will always be taken care of.
Yes there are times when I disobey Master. And I am reminded of this by having a red hot butt with Master's marks all over it.
I love being his submissive and would not want to live any other way.

Tigger said...

Mary, your comments really went to my heart... though my man and I don't have the physical distance issues that you face, we (I) face emotional distance issues that are just as strong. Ther eis no lack of love, or trust between us, not on the deepest level. But I don't trust myself completely, and that can easily lead to emotional distance.

My willing and eager submission fills that void, forming the "arch" that Paul so illustrously explained, bring us closer together, merging somewhere in the middle, without pressures, worries, confusion or expectation. For us, too, it minimizes wasted time: just the freely given act of submission on my part, such as baring my bottom or kneeling before him or handing him the paddle, is enough to reconnect us once more. From that point on, we are one.


cuddlybum said...

We practice submission, in our own unique way....same as every one else here I suppose!!

My belvoed spanks me - when he thinks I need it, when I ask for it, when I break my rules.

My rules are not onerous or wierd - they are simple - along the lones of keeping the house tidy, keeping up with my study, keeping my diet and exercise plans going...all stuff I want to do for myself.

What he does? He gives me a structure to do all this stuff. He gives me a reason not to no do these things. He keeps me on track. He takes care of me and makes sure I'm ok.

Submission means allowing him to do these things for me - allowing him to take care of me, to look out for what's best for me, to make me take care of myself.....

I'm not submissive in public life, I'm not submissive in most aspects of my private life, but with the beloved I can be. And its a gift he gives me and I give him.


CeeCi said...

What wonderful responses to your question, Bonnie. Tigger and I discussed synchronicity yesterday, and now

As a teenager I lived in Japan. The cultural differences were intriguing to me then, they fascinate me now. My exploration of submission has brought those differences into my awareness again. I'll do my best to explain why I find the Asian mindset about submission so very interesting.

In our culture we hold ourselves 'above' many aspects of human nature. We, as women, are taught to set aside some of our core values and replace them with aspects that are foreign to our beings. In doing so, personally, I became lost and confused, wondering why I was set aside by man after man when my submissive tendencies came out. I didn't know what they were, I found myself labeled as needy, clingy, weak and sadly, bought into those views. I have come to realize I am anything but weak. My submissiveness is a beautiful gift. The men I met were incapable of accepting it as current cultural trends made them react negatively.

In my feeble understanding of Asian culture, submissiveness is what it is. Women know to the center of their very core their value and place within their culture. Sadly, most Western women do not, hence questions about our submissiveness.

When MoJo came back into my life, I began opening like a flower. Here is a man who understands the gifts I give him as I understand the gifts he gives me. Here is a man who is my equal, the yang to my yin. When we're together I feel empowered, free to finally be who and I what I truly amazing woman!

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