So you want to spank your lover? Here are some thoughts.
- Get her full consent long before you touch her. That means more than just, “Yeah, I’ll try it if you really want.” She should have a good idea of what’s going to happen and how she feels about that. You want a willing participant. She doesn’t have to love every minute, but it shouldn’t be torture either. If she shows reluctance, you need to go back and talk more. If she still doesn’t want to get spanked, then don’t spank her.
- Agree on a safeword. Even if you think you don’t need one, you need one.
- Start with the OTK position on a couch or bed. This technique is easy and not inherently uncomfortable for either person. And the closeness is good.
- Start slow and not very hard. Begin with your hand. Pay attention to her responses. How is she taking it? If she is wiggling her butt or sticking it up (like a certain insatiable spanko), then feel free to turn up the heat, or don’t and let her wonder. But if she shows signs of real distress, back off.
- Check with her regularly. It can be as simple as “How are you doing?” or “Are you OK?” An affirmative answer gives you license to keep going a while longer. If there is hesitation in her answer, it’s time to reassess.
- It’s fun to unveil her bottom one layer at a time. The gradual uncovering strips away her protection, both figuratively and literally.
- If she’s sailing along and enjoying her spanking, you can add implements for a little extra spice. I think a leather paddle like the one above is an ideal first spanking implement. It hurts and leaves behind a cute red glow, but it doesn’t do any serious damage like wood can. Again, start with moderate swats and work your way up, checking in along the way.
- Praise her. Tell her that she is doing a great job of accepting her spanking. Rub her bottom, hips, thighs, and back. Let her know you still care, now more than ever.
- Focus swats on the bottom center of each cheek. Strike low to hit the fleshiest part of her bottom to stay away from bones and other stuff that matters. Avoid her hips and back. The best part of spanking low on her bottom is that she will be more likely feel it when she sits down later.
- Talk to her. Tell her you love her. Tell her she looks beautiful. Tell her how much you enjoy sharing this experience with her. Tell her about other sexy things you would like to do together.
- Watch her body language. Is she breathing fast or slow? Is she rocking with the beat or fighting against it? Is she grinding against your leg? Is she wanting to escape? Adjust your technique and pace accordingly.
- A good spanking session typically consists of 20 to 50 swats, or occasionally more depending upon the situation. A spanking should take a while so that she has time to reflect on what's happening to her.
Ideally, it should eventually feel like a bit more than she thinks she can handle. That moment where she starts to feel out of control and maybe on the verge of panic is when the breakthroughs happen. Slow your pace and watch what happens next. Maybe she will surrender and relax her body (start wrapping up), or maybe she will invoke her safeword (Stop now and hold her), or maybe she will gain a second wind and want to continue (lay it on). Follow her lead. - Listen to her vocalizations. Not just what she says, but how she says it. Is her tone whiny or scared or aroused or determined? Hear her reactions. Try to understand what she is telling you.
- Pause periodically to reassess. Give her rubs and squeezes. Absorb her rising heat. Admire her crimson canvas.
- Vary the pace, intensity, and placement of swats. Let her wonder what is coming next and when. For example, you can deliver three hard, quick swats in one spot and then return to a seemingly random pattern. This tactic reminds her who is in charge during the spanking.
- Acknowledge the pain she feels. Spankings hurt. A sore butt is an unavoidable part of the process. But the real point is the closeness, connection, intimacy, openness, passion you experience together. Make these feelings the centerpiece of this time you share.
- When you sense that she’s had about enough, you can offer her “five more?” or “ten more?” If she declines the offer (which she probably won’t), then it’s time to end. Otherwise, provide the promised swats slowly. Make this spanking one to remember.
- Savor her aftercare. Being spanked is an emotional experience. Demonstrate your love and support. Hug her. Stroke her hair. Kiss her. Hold her close. Feel honored that she chose to share her vulnerbility with you. Let her talk if she wants. This is not the time for analysis. If she wants to open up, then accept her honest words without condition or judgement.
- Offer to soothe her poor, punished bottom with lotion. This often leads to other things, but don’t rush it. Let it happen and drink in each moment.
- Make spankings an activity that you enjoy together as a couple again and again. Treasure the ritual, but make each time a little different
7 comments :
21. If your partner is getting spanked for the first time, warn them that they will have long-lasting bruises for a long time and to plan their activities accordingly. But this will lessen as they are spanked more in the future.
Prefectdt
what an incredible posting. Eve Howard at Shadow Lane wrote something pretty similar many years ago and I have used this careful technique over and over. It always works!
The man knows his stuff. You lucky woman. ♥
Thank you Randy and Bonnie, we often don't hear enough from the spanker's perspective.
This has to be the best advice I have read! You are indeed a lucky woman Bonnie :)
Hugs
Roz
That's really good advice that clearly comes from an expert.
I think the emphasis on talking is important. I find that speaking to my partner during spanking as during sex is important to keep her involved. I want to participate and drive her fantasies. It creates a more intimate connection. The sub should be entranced for maximum impact.
I don't think you just need to praise her, although that certainly can help. It's important, I think, to really enter into her fantasies. I usually tell her what a bad girl she is and how she richly deserves this spanking. Or, whatever will help her mind work with her body.
And, I think it's important to be a good dom. A good dom(mes) forces his/her sub to do what the sub wants to do. To make that work, you have to understand what feeds her fantasies, and know what mental blocks she inhibit her from getting the experiences she wants.
Excellent post, Bonnie. You sure know how to go there.
It is always great to hear both sides of a spanking relationship.I do love when Randy talks as well as it is always a pleasure to hear about a long time spanking relationship as so many have ended because the spankee either stopped wanting to be spanked or it became abuse instead of mutual consent.great post.Thanks for all you share.have a great day.
Jim
Prefectdt - Yes, that's a good point, and one that might not occur to Randy. Thank you.
Anon - If Eve said something similar, then I know we're on the right track. Thanks!
Erica - I really am, and I am grateful for that luck!
Roz - Thanks! He is very knowledgeable indeed.
RP - I agree about talking. Some men don't always share their feelings and thoughts because they think it's obvious. I suggest it's only obvious if you tell us. I want to feel like he is doing something with me rather than to me.
Fantasies are great too and we enjoy this part. I think Randy may have omitted this element because he was thinking about starting a spanking relationship. Fantasies are usually explored later. Or maybe he just didn't think of that. I think the same of the D/s aspects.
Jim - Randy doesn't share on the blog very often, but when he does, it's always a different perspective. There were his words, though I organized them into twenty points. Thanks.
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